However, where guilt is a normal, healthy emotion, there are also forms of guilt that are unhealthy. I will take a few minutes to discuss the different types of guilt that we may experience in our lives...
First, let me discuss "anticipatory guilt". As the name would indicate, this is a guilt that would hopefully prevent you from doing something that would cause you to feel remorse down the road. A good analogy is that of cheating on one's spouse or partner. Although we may feel "tempted" to stray because of a physical or emotional attraction that we are feeling for another person, in most cases, our conscience tells us that this is wrong. Even if one isn't religious (in most religions, such an act would be clearly deemed as immoral), our moral code in society would indicate to us that proceeding with this act might be damaging. With our conscience enabling us with "anticipatory guilt", and depending on the amount of guilt that we might feel, we either proceed with the act or we don't. For many, the guilt would simply be too much to bear.
"Retrospective guilt" is that guilt that we feel after we have done something "wrong". There is no recovering from it - the deed is done. This would be the typical guilt that one feels after wronging another person, stealing something, breaking a law, or breaking a "moral" code that may be attached to one's religious beliefs.
Retrospective guilt can be broken into two different types of guilt... Appropriate Retrospective Guilt and Inappropriate Retrospective Guilt. An example of APPROPRIATE retrospective guilt would be when have intentionally done something to hurt somebody else. We may have intentionally broken an agreement. Or, in a more tragic scenario, we may have gotten drunk, decided it was okay to drive, and then proceeded to hit and kill someone in a motor vehicle accident.
An example of INAPPROPRIATE retrospective guilt would be when a cyclist swerves directly in front of our vehicle without any warning, and we strike and kill him because there was no way to avoid hitting him. It would be totally reasonable to feel sad and regret, of course... but NOT guilty.
Another form of inappropriate guilt is what is commonly referred to as "survivor's guilt". An example of this might be when a soldier fighting in a battle is the only one to survive when all of the other soldiers in his unit die. He might ask, "Why me? Why did I live?" He may feel a sense of guilt that everyone else died and he didn't.
Another inappropriate guilt is "guilt by association". A common form of this is when a young person continually finds himself in trouble and the parent of the young person feels a sense of guilt and shame for the child's behavior. This is a codependent behavior and one that we, as parents, should stay away from.
So, now that we have discussed some of the varying forms of guilt, let's move on to Exercise #8.
EXERCISE #8: How entitled am I to my guilt?
In this exercise, I am going to list several things from my past that I feel guilty about. After recognizing those things that cause me to feel a sense of guilt, I will rate it on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being incredible guilt, 1 being a minimal amount of guilt. After I have rated the guilt, I will then try and determine what percentage of my guilt is "appropriate" and what percentage is "inappropriate".
Be forewarned that this may possibly be uncomfortable for you, the reader. Rest assured that it is going to be far more uncomfortable for me, the writer. I am going to open up about some things that may be considered a little sensitive in nature. If this disturbs you, feel free to go find a blog that deals with scrapbooking or recipes.
And so, we begin...
GUILT #1: TAMPERING WITH THE FACTORY
Okay, let me be honest... this guilt was an immense guilt when I was younger, but now... well... not so much.
I'm assuming that some of you are probably wondering what I'm talking about... "tampering with the factory". Let me explain. I grew up LDS (Mormon). When I was younger, we would occasionally be shown a film strip that talked about the "moral" guidelines with which we were to follow. Our bodies were likened to a factory that produced a life creating substance. Our factories would create their product and release any excess product on it's own accord. We were not to tamper with the factory, for if we did, the factory would speed up production, and we would complicate it's normal output. Not to mention, we'd go blind and/or get hairy palms. Okay... I added that last sentence, but everything else was in the film strip.
Let me say that I began tampering with my factory long before I even knew what I was doing. My factory wasn't even producing anything at that point. My factory must have been unionized and the workers were really lazy, or it didn't actually have a physical product. I had no clue what I was doing, all I knew was that when I did something, it felt really, really good.
Fast forward another year or two, when I finally learn about the factory... and learn that my tampering is not an approved activity within the moral guidelines of my church. We've all heard of "Catholic guilt"... well... in my honest opinion, I don't think it holds a candle to Mormon guilt. For years and years I tried to stop my tampering. I couldn't. For years and years I beat myself up, mentally. I felt like I was broken. Like I was a sick pervert that was a freak of nature. It honestly wasn't until I was an adult and had the topic come up in conversation, that I actually found out that most of my peers had been doing it. Whether or not they were beating themselves up like I had, I do not know, but what I DO know is that I spent the better part of ten years having a guilt inside of me that would probably have ranked at least an 8 or 9, out of a possible 10.
How much of that guilt was "appropriate"? Well... from a religious standpoint, probably 100%. From a sociological standpoint? Probably 0%. It all depends on your moral compass... and what criteria impacts your moral compass. For me, it was my religion.
The reason why I even brought up this personal problem of my childhood is to illustrate how crippling guilt can be. I literally spent a big chunk of my adolescence... between the ages of 11 or 12 to (literally) about the time I got married, feeling like I was "dirty" and "broken" and "evil". It wasn't healthy for me. It truly impacted my happiness as a young person. I don't think that people deserve to carry around that kind of guilt... especially at the expense of their self esteem. That being said, let me move on to my next guilt...
Guilt #2: UNPAID DEBT
The next sources of guilt are closely related, both involving unpaid debt. The first was when we were experiencing some extreme financial hardship and borrowed $300.00 from our teenage babysitter. She had the money saved and offered to lend it to us. We took her up on the offer, with the total intention of paying her back. As the weeks turned to months, we never did have the excess money to pay her back. We eventually moved and had received word that her mother was livid with us for taking advantage of her daughter, and understandably so. To this day, it haunts me. I need to track her down and repay her the money that I owe her... if not to clear my conscience, then at least to do the proper thing.
The second money related guilt was when a friend of mine asked for my assistance in selling a box full of compact discs that he had been given. I did as he asked and ended up receiving a total of $200.00 and failed to give him the $100 that I owed him. At the time, my friend was (and still is) a very successful business man, and we were struggling financially. I intended to get him the money, but needed it for our own needs, at the time. As would often happen in my life, intentions to pay are often brushed under the carpet, as we never seem to have had the excess money to repay the debt. He ended up moving out of the neighborhood, and I have yet to repay him. Again, it is something that I intend to do.
Guilt #3:ABANDONMENT
My greatest guilt in life comes from the events leading up to and culminating in the events of October 25, 2010. At approximately 8:00 PM on the evening of Monday, October 25, 2010, I walked out on my marriage of nearly 21 years. This was not a sudden impulse, but something that had years in the making. In my opinion, it was probably 21 years in the making. First, let me express my feelings that Tiffany, my estranged wife (I hate saying that, but it is the most accurate description), is a wonderful person. She is a funny, sweet person that unfortunately is plagued by demons from her childhood. She has suffered from insecurity most of her life, which laid the foundation for the hurt that was to come. I don't blame her, but the environment from which she came.
In 1996, six years into our marriage, I had become "comfortably numb" with our relationship. It was the early days of the internet, and after being reminded several times that our daughters were Tiffany's main source of happiness, I found myself becoming emotionally attached to other people on the internet. It was a new world, and the excitement and happy emotions that could be found there were like an emotional rebirth for me. In the end, not only did I hurt those that I had become close to, but I had betrayed Tiffany and caused her great pain.
Let me pause to discuss the "guilt factor" that I felt because of my betrayal to Tiffany. In hindsight, I don't remember feeling a terrible amount of guilt. Yes, I did feel guilt that I had hurt Tiffany, but at the same time I must have justified things by thinking that I was driven to those emotional connections. What guilt I had would definitely be considered "appropriate" guilt. I deserved to feel guilty, considering what I did.
Now, let me get back to the story. Tiffany and I tried to work through the hurt and tried to mend our marriage through counseling and focusing on our marriage. It worked... most of the time. On occasion, the insecurities would rear it's ugly head. In addition to the insecurity, because of the hurt that I caused Tiffany, she had built a protective emotional wall to keep her from getting hurt again. Because of this emotional wall, she and I were never able to share the emotional bond that married couples need. There were the occasional times that she would lower her defenses and I would feel a love between us, but more often than not the wall was in place, protecting her from the potential of more emotional abuse. Because of the emotional barrier that stood between us, it opened the door for further emotional betrayal. Over the course of the last 14 years, I would often find myself bonding with other people. It was a Catch 22.... I hurt Tiffany, she builds a barrier to protect herself, which just set her up to be hurt again.
During the last year of our marriage, I had begun to reflect on the state of our marriage. I began to sense the enormity of that barrier that stood between us. I felt like there was no way that we would ever have a happy, healthy relationship as long as she and I couldn't bond with one another. I also felt that our personalities were harmful to each other, mainly because of the insecurities that plagued Tiffany. Again, I reiterate... I do NOT blame Tiffany for any of this. Bless her heart, she has been seeking therapy to overcome the damage that had been caused at such a young age.
Another bad side effect of the insecurities was that I was not able to truly act myself. Because of my extremely outgoing personality, I often felt like it would only fuel Tiffany's insecurities. I honestly feel that now that Tiffany is on her own, she will be able to reach her greatest potential as a human being and child of God. It is my religious belief and personal philosophy that we are on this earth to be tested and to grow and progress from the trials that each of us face. I honestly feel that I hindered Tiffany's ability to truly grow to her greatest potential. In the end, I want to be the best of friends with her. I want to help her overcome her insecurities and not feed them. I care for her very deeply, but honestly feel like she has the potential to become a much happier person without me.
At this point, I would also like to interject my feelings about "guilt" vs. "remorse". For the past four months I have been feeling extreme amounts of guilt about leaving Tiffany. This guilt is fueled by the often judgmental comments of former friends and people from my former church congregation. I always find it ironic that some of the people who proclaim to be Christian are also the first to judge. So much for the Lord's commandment to judge not, lest we be judged. I often hear the term "abandonment" floating around amongst the critics, which fuel my feelings of guilt. I can vividly see the expression on Tiffany's face, the night I left. The look of shock, turned to anger, turned to sadness. To this day, when I get in certain moods, my eyes will fill with tears as I replay the heartbreaking events of that night. I knew, however, that after 14 years (from the time of my initial emotional betrayal), we were not close to overcoming that barrier that was built between us.
Should I feel guilt? Perhaps. In hindsight, I believe that a guilt felt from not being a 100% devoted husband is "appropriate". Do I think that it would be healthy for me to hold on to that guilt? No. Here is where I think "remorse" may be a healthier emotion to deal with. Remorse is a natural emotion to feel when we have hurt someone. The thing with remorse, is that time will hopefully heal those wounds. I know that in time Tiffany will learn to love herself the way she should. I hope that someday soon she will be able to look in the mirror and see the special person that I saw so many times. I hope that she will be able to set the wheels in motion to achieve her personal goals, such as going to school, becoming an independent, successful person and eventually finding a person that she can truly open her heart to... one that won't hurt her, in return.
As for me, I will continue to feel guilt. It's nothing I can run away from. It is the reason why I am going through these exercises. Why I have been working my way through "Radical Self-Forgiveness". Why I have been striving for the "Consciousness Cleanse". Deep down inside, I am happier now than I have ever been. I see myself as a good person. I just hate to see the hurt that I have caused someone I care about. It can't be undone. I will continue to show Tiffany that I do care for her, and will do everything in my power to help her in her life to come.
I know that she and I will BOTH be able to reach a greater potential as friends, rather than dysfunctional partners. As Tiffany begins to see things from my perspective, which I hope she eventually can, my feelings of guilt will diminish and eventually fade into nothingness. I want nothing more than for her to be emotionally healthy. I want to be her friend. I want to see both our lives become more fruitful and free from hurt.
Yes, guilt has played a big part in my life. Sometimes good.... many times not. It is my hope that we each can evaluate our own lives, and figure out for ourselves which guilt is "appropriate", and which guilt is not. And the guilt that isn't... well... it's time to get rid of it and think about self-forgiveness.
Be forewarned that this may possibly be uncomfortable for you, the reader. Rest assured that it is going to be far more uncomfortable for me, the writer. I am going to open up about some things that may be considered a little sensitive in nature. If this disturbs you, feel free to go find a blog that deals with scrapbooking or recipes.
And so, we begin...
GUILT #1: TAMPERING WITH THE FACTORY
Okay, let me be honest... this guilt was an immense guilt when I was younger, but now... well... not so much.
I'm assuming that some of you are probably wondering what I'm talking about... "tampering with the factory". Let me explain. I grew up LDS (Mormon). When I was younger, we would occasionally be shown a film strip that talked about the "moral" guidelines with which we were to follow. Our bodies were likened to a factory that produced a life creating substance. Our factories would create their product and release any excess product on it's own accord. We were not to tamper with the factory, for if we did, the factory would speed up production, and we would complicate it's normal output. Not to mention, we'd go blind and/or get hairy palms. Okay... I added that last sentence, but everything else was in the film strip.
Let me say that I began tampering with my factory long before I even knew what I was doing. My factory wasn't even producing anything at that point. My factory must have been unionized and the workers were really lazy, or it didn't actually have a physical product. I had no clue what I was doing, all I knew was that when I did something, it felt really, really good.
Fast forward another year or two, when I finally learn about the factory... and learn that my tampering is not an approved activity within the moral guidelines of my church. We've all heard of "Catholic guilt"... well... in my honest opinion, I don't think it holds a candle to Mormon guilt. For years and years I tried to stop my tampering. I couldn't. For years and years I beat myself up, mentally. I felt like I was broken. Like I was a sick pervert that was a freak of nature. It honestly wasn't until I was an adult and had the topic come up in conversation, that I actually found out that most of my peers had been doing it. Whether or not they were beating themselves up like I had, I do not know, but what I DO know is that I spent the better part of ten years having a guilt inside of me that would probably have ranked at least an 8 or 9, out of a possible 10.
How much of that guilt was "appropriate"? Well... from a religious standpoint, probably 100%. From a sociological standpoint? Probably 0%. It all depends on your moral compass... and what criteria impacts your moral compass. For me, it was my religion.
The reason why I even brought up this personal problem of my childhood is to illustrate how crippling guilt can be. I literally spent a big chunk of my adolescence... between the ages of 11 or 12 to (literally) about the time I got married, feeling like I was "dirty" and "broken" and "evil". It wasn't healthy for me. It truly impacted my happiness as a young person. I don't think that people deserve to carry around that kind of guilt... especially at the expense of their self esteem. That being said, let me move on to my next guilt...
Guilt #2: UNPAID DEBT
The next sources of guilt are closely related, both involving unpaid debt. The first was when we were experiencing some extreme financial hardship and borrowed $300.00 from our teenage babysitter. She had the money saved and offered to lend it to us. We took her up on the offer, with the total intention of paying her back. As the weeks turned to months, we never did have the excess money to pay her back. We eventually moved and had received word that her mother was livid with us for taking advantage of her daughter, and understandably so. To this day, it haunts me. I need to track her down and repay her the money that I owe her... if not to clear my conscience, then at least to do the proper thing.
The second money related guilt was when a friend of mine asked for my assistance in selling a box full of compact discs that he had been given. I did as he asked and ended up receiving a total of $200.00 and failed to give him the $100 that I owed him. At the time, my friend was (and still is) a very successful business man, and we were struggling financially. I intended to get him the money, but needed it for our own needs, at the time. As would often happen in my life, intentions to pay are often brushed under the carpet, as we never seem to have had the excess money to repay the debt. He ended up moving out of the neighborhood, and I have yet to repay him. Again, it is something that I intend to do.
Guilt #3:ABANDONMENT
My greatest guilt in life comes from the events leading up to and culminating in the events of October 25, 2010. At approximately 8:00 PM on the evening of Monday, October 25, 2010, I walked out on my marriage of nearly 21 years. This was not a sudden impulse, but something that had years in the making. In my opinion, it was probably 21 years in the making. First, let me express my feelings that Tiffany, my estranged wife (I hate saying that, but it is the most accurate description), is a wonderful person. She is a funny, sweet person that unfortunately is plagued by demons from her childhood. She has suffered from insecurity most of her life, which laid the foundation for the hurt that was to come. I don't blame her, but the environment from which she came.
In 1996, six years into our marriage, I had become "comfortably numb" with our relationship. It was the early days of the internet, and after being reminded several times that our daughters were Tiffany's main source of happiness, I found myself becoming emotionally attached to other people on the internet. It was a new world, and the excitement and happy emotions that could be found there were like an emotional rebirth for me. In the end, not only did I hurt those that I had become close to, but I had betrayed Tiffany and caused her great pain.
Let me pause to discuss the "guilt factor" that I felt because of my betrayal to Tiffany. In hindsight, I don't remember feeling a terrible amount of guilt. Yes, I did feel guilt that I had hurt Tiffany, but at the same time I must have justified things by thinking that I was driven to those emotional connections. What guilt I had would definitely be considered "appropriate" guilt. I deserved to feel guilty, considering what I did.
Now, let me get back to the story. Tiffany and I tried to work through the hurt and tried to mend our marriage through counseling and focusing on our marriage. It worked... most of the time. On occasion, the insecurities would rear it's ugly head. In addition to the insecurity, because of the hurt that I caused Tiffany, she had built a protective emotional wall to keep her from getting hurt again. Because of this emotional wall, she and I were never able to share the emotional bond that married couples need. There were the occasional times that she would lower her defenses and I would feel a love between us, but more often than not the wall was in place, protecting her from the potential of more emotional abuse. Because of the emotional barrier that stood between us, it opened the door for further emotional betrayal. Over the course of the last 14 years, I would often find myself bonding with other people. It was a Catch 22.... I hurt Tiffany, she builds a barrier to protect herself, which just set her up to be hurt again.
During the last year of our marriage, I had begun to reflect on the state of our marriage. I began to sense the enormity of that barrier that stood between us. I felt like there was no way that we would ever have a happy, healthy relationship as long as she and I couldn't bond with one another. I also felt that our personalities were harmful to each other, mainly because of the insecurities that plagued Tiffany. Again, I reiterate... I do NOT blame Tiffany for any of this. Bless her heart, she has been seeking therapy to overcome the damage that had been caused at such a young age.
Another bad side effect of the insecurities was that I was not able to truly act myself. Because of my extremely outgoing personality, I often felt like it would only fuel Tiffany's insecurities. I honestly feel that now that Tiffany is on her own, she will be able to reach her greatest potential as a human being and child of God. It is my religious belief and personal philosophy that we are on this earth to be tested and to grow and progress from the trials that each of us face. I honestly feel that I hindered Tiffany's ability to truly grow to her greatest potential. In the end, I want to be the best of friends with her. I want to help her overcome her insecurities and not feed them. I care for her very deeply, but honestly feel like she has the potential to become a much happier person without me.
At this point, I would also like to interject my feelings about "guilt" vs. "remorse". For the past four months I have been feeling extreme amounts of guilt about leaving Tiffany. This guilt is fueled by the often judgmental comments of former friends and people from my former church congregation. I always find it ironic that some of the people who proclaim to be Christian are also the first to judge. So much for the Lord's commandment to judge not, lest we be judged. I often hear the term "abandonment" floating around amongst the critics, which fuel my feelings of guilt. I can vividly see the expression on Tiffany's face, the night I left. The look of shock, turned to anger, turned to sadness. To this day, when I get in certain moods, my eyes will fill with tears as I replay the heartbreaking events of that night. I knew, however, that after 14 years (from the time of my initial emotional betrayal), we were not close to overcoming that barrier that was built between us.
Should I feel guilt? Perhaps. In hindsight, I believe that a guilt felt from not being a 100% devoted husband is "appropriate". Do I think that it would be healthy for me to hold on to that guilt? No. Here is where I think "remorse" may be a healthier emotion to deal with. Remorse is a natural emotion to feel when we have hurt someone. The thing with remorse, is that time will hopefully heal those wounds. I know that in time Tiffany will learn to love herself the way she should. I hope that someday soon she will be able to look in the mirror and see the special person that I saw so many times. I hope that she will be able to set the wheels in motion to achieve her personal goals, such as going to school, becoming an independent, successful person and eventually finding a person that she can truly open her heart to... one that won't hurt her, in return.
As for me, I will continue to feel guilt. It's nothing I can run away from. It is the reason why I am going through these exercises. Why I have been working my way through "Radical Self-Forgiveness". Why I have been striving for the "Consciousness Cleanse". Deep down inside, I am happier now than I have ever been. I see myself as a good person. I just hate to see the hurt that I have caused someone I care about. It can't be undone. I will continue to show Tiffany that I do care for her, and will do everything in my power to help her in her life to come.
I know that she and I will BOTH be able to reach a greater potential as friends, rather than dysfunctional partners. As Tiffany begins to see things from my perspective, which I hope she eventually can, my feelings of guilt will diminish and eventually fade into nothingness. I want nothing more than for her to be emotionally healthy. I want to be her friend. I want to see both our lives become more fruitful and free from hurt.
Yes, guilt has played a big part in my life. Sometimes good.... many times not. It is my hope that we each can evaluate our own lives, and figure out for ourselves which guilt is "appropriate", and which guilt is not. And the guilt that isn't... well... it's time to get rid of it and think about self-forgiveness.
No comments:
Post a Comment