That, my friends, is some intense stuff. A psychologists... ummm.... nocturnal emission. This essay describing the differences between physical and emotional sexuals has really made me think about what I am, and how it has affected the relationships that I have been in over the years....keeping in mind that the bulk of this relationship experience was my 21 year marriage that I have recently left (I will address this in a moment), I have also been reflecting previous relationships, although they were not as sexual as my marriage.
Before I venture into my relationships, let me share my personal analysis of what I am. According to the plethora of descriptions from both sides of the fence, I have concluded that I lean more on the "emotional sexual" side of things, but am probably in the healthy range of 60/40, emotional sexual being the predominant side. I may even venture to say that it could be a 65/35 split. Allow me to list a few of the factors that led me to this conclusion. First, I have always been somewhat of an introvert, and part of that may be due to the fact that I have never been completely secure in my physical appearance. Socially, I can be introverted, as well as from a sexual point of view. I do not flaunt my sexuality One may suggest that this would be because of my religious background, but I honestly don't think that I would be any different if there was not a religious affiliation in my personal life. Although I went through an adolescent phase where I dressed to draw attention to myself, it was not in a sexual way.
Another item mentioned on the list that resonated with me is the fact that emotional sexuals "feel their feelings inwardly and process them mentally. They seldom express feelings outwardly and do not like to show physical affection in public." In regards to these things, I have never been one to express my feelings outwardly. I can be an open book at times, but from a sexual point of view, I do not express many of my feelings outwardly. As for PDA (not the Personal Digital Assistant, but the dreaded Public Display of Affection), I love holding hands... but that is about as far as it goes. I am not one of those people that can sit in a movie theater and make out... although I did do that a time or two, when I was a teenager. Just don't tell my parents... they'd be very disappointed in me.
For the most part, I feel that I am well balanced between the two lists. My family life is important, but is not all consuming. My career is fairly important to me, but I would not risk relationships in order to climb any company ladders. I also feel that my sexuality is healthy in the fact that I do not depend on it to validate myself. To me, sex is simply a way for two people to deepen their emotional bond... and... if I can be bold, a way for two people to enhance their physical lives.
I know firsthand that it is extremely difficult for two people to have a happy, healthy love life if they don't fit together like puzzle pieces... at least as far as their sexual selves are concerned. I know that I am not a good match for someone who depends on sexuality to validate themselves. Sex can't be a game... unless both parties involved want to turn it into a game on their own accord. To each his/her own... know what I'm sayin'?
To close this extensive post, let me just say that this portion of the Radical Self-Forgiveness was eye opening. It has helped me understand the needs that some people have. It has given me some clear cut things to look for in a prospective partner, as I eventually work my way back into marriage. I have a better idea if I would be a good match with another, based on some very simple criteria... much of which isn't sexual in the least bit. It has also given me a deeper appreciation for the power and importance of therapy in our lives... especially if we are someone that has been through a traumatic life experience that has indefinitely caused our sexual self to be pushed out of whack. Most of us are probably acquainted with someone who was molested as a child. That kind of trauma will usually always cause irreparable damage to the victim, unless they seek help. Some close themselves off, sexually.... others become hyper-sexual. Sexuality, in general, is a very fascinating thing...and also a very fragile eco-system (for lack of a better word).
I hope that the words mentioned earlier have assisted in opening your mind to some of the things that affect our relationships, both on a personal level and a sexual level. If you are like me, the things listed in the book will hopefully help you in all of your social relationships, but specifically as you seek out a compatible mate. Even if you have been married for 15 years, this may help you to better understand your partner's needs. Because, heaven knows... if you can take care of your partner's emotional needs, then they will take care of your physical needs. ;-)
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