First, I must point out that of all my "selves" that I have been studying (and subsequently reporting on), the Saboteur Self is the one that I feel is most distant from who I am as a person.
To sum up the Saboteur Self, this is the part of our personality that subconsciously tries to protect us from things in our lives that may cause us harm. Most often, the Saboteur Self manifests itself in the areas of relationships (both familial and between a partner or spouse) and finances.
In our lives, especially during the vulnerable years of childhood and adolescence, we encounter things in our lives that may be disturbing to us. More often than not, we will utilize our psychological defense mechanisms to protect our emotional state from being hurt, but in so doing, we will often suppress the emotions and drive them into our subconscious level.
In the area of relationships, our Saboteur Self may manifest itself throughout life, if we grew up in an environment where we witnessed psychological, emotional or (heaven forbid) physical abuse. It is common for people who grew up in such an environment to conclude that marriage is not good, and therefore our Saboteur Self will manifest itself in every relationship that we become involved in. Once we feel "safe and secure" in our relationship, our Saboteur Self will be activated to try and protect us from getting hurt by the person who we are involved with... even though, in reality, there is probably no cause for such protection.
I spent several years working a swing shift and would listen to the syndicated radio program, "LOVELINES", featuring Dr. Drew (Pinsky) and comedian, Adam Corolla. On the program they would take calls from listeners who had questions regarding physical and emotional relationships. After listening to the program for an extended amount of time, you would undoubtedly see a pattern in people that had been abused, whether physically or emotionally. In almost every case, these people would begin to sabotage their relationships once they began to feel "comfortable". Their subconscious psyche would tell them that a happy, healthy relationship is NOT normal, and that if you continue down that road, you will undoubtedly get hurt. Because of the subconscious sabotage that the (for lack of a better word) damaged personalities would bring into the relationships, these relationships would nearly always end in shambles.
Surprisingly, money is one of the biggest parts of our life that is sabotaged by our subconscious Saboteur Self. Most people think that they are just not cut out to be rich, successful people, when in reality it is this subconscious thinking that, more often than not, prevents us from reaching financial success. In reflecting over my life, I truly wonder if this is the case with me. Most of my adult life has been plagued with financial hardship, but in retrospect I think it was just because of a bad financial chemistry between my (soon-to-be) ex-wife. I lay no blame on one or the other of us, but know that between the two, we had a bugger of a time trying to budget money.
Psychologists say that the main reason for our Saboteur Self manifesting itself, when it comes to money, is that we may have grown up in a home where our father (or other key figure in our life) was so determined to be successful with his work, that his familial relationships suffered. As a child, we witnessed the devastation caused by our father's quest for success, and subsequently buried those emotions into our subconscious. Although we may not directly associate money with the deterioration of a parental relationship, we subconsciously will always associate financial success with heartache.
In studies, psychologists have seen cases where people that manifested this subconscious resentment of money would literally try and sabotage their own businesses, in order to NOT succeed. It was never a conscious decision, but would be manifested by hiring people that they may have known were not the best people for the position.
I, myself, have known people that have seemed to sabotage their own employment with jobs, because they somehow, subconsciously, didn't find peace in having stable employment.
Now, for me, money issues and the Saboteur Self was never an issue. My parents were probably considered lower middle-class. My mother worked out of the house as a seamstress and my father was a police officer. These occupations were anything but financially lucrative. I never had any of the associations brought up by Colin Tipping, in his book "Radical Self-Forgiveness", yet I have never had any real luck with money.
In reality, being financially well off is not a goal of mine. I don't desire wealth. I am not going to be foolish enough to say that I would shun wealth, but I don't feel the need to make money a focal point. Money, in my opinion, does NOT equal happiness. There are too many wealthy people running around this planet of ours that are not happy, even though they have more money than they will ever need. To me, happiness comes from within, not without. I know that contentment comes from having enough money to take care of bills, and have witnessed the stress that is caused by a lack of money, but I don't associate wealth with a long term happiness.
In closing, I reflect over my life and can honestly say that it has been a very normal experience. My family was not wealthy, but we got by. I wasn't robbed a decent childhood, although it did at times require my father to work overtime in order for us to be able to enjoy some of the nicer things in life like camping. Yes, THAT was my wealth in life... memories of camping trips and vacations, albeit inexpensive vacations.
So, to sum up my thoughts, I think it would best be said that IF I have a Saboteur Self, it is a small one... and, in my opinion, does not manifest itself in my day to day life. I work for the Postal Service. My life is, for the most part, simple. I am not on a course to be rich, nor do I desire that. I want enough money to take care of my needs as well as that of my family. In the area of relationships, I honestly don't think that I have an active Saboteur Self. Although I am currently separated from my wife, the decision to leave was not based on any negative experiences as a child. My parents have been married for 46 years and seem to be completely happy. I never saw signs of strife between the two of them. The reality of my situation is that I think separation (and ultimately divorce) from my wife will actually make both of us happier, more functional people in the end. At least that is my hope. I can attest that going through such things does have it's share of pain and that it may be sometimes hard to truly realize that it's for the best, but I have hope that she and I will become better friends in the end, and that we will be able to grow beyond what we were able to do, while living together.
That being said, it's time to buckle down and get my thoughts ready to discuss my Sexual Self. Oh, this is going to be fun...
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