Most of you know that I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons). Most of you know that people that belong to my church either live lives different from most people, or they are supposed to live lives that manifest standards set apart from the rest of the world. In reality, we are taught to be "In the world, but not OF the world", meaning we should be a functioning part of society (not holed up in a compound), but living the standards set forth by the church we belong to, whether in the form of scripture or counsel from our Church leaders.
For those that belong to ANY religion, you are aware that (in most cases) you are asked to live in a way that would sometimes go against your physical nature... or your true self. For example: genetically, our bodies are wired to reproduce. We have urges that, unless controlled, can create havoc in our lives. In many religions (mine included), we are taught to use our procreative power for particular purposes and NOT indiscriminately. Such is the difference between our AUTHENTIC HUMAN self and our SOCIALLY MODIFIED self. My body says it wants to have sex with anyone that it is attracted to... my beliefs say that it needs to be saved for my spouse. This should hopefully give a clear idea of the difference in these two selves... keeping in mind that they are BOTH selves that dwell inside of each and every one of us. Knowing this fundamental fact help us to more fully understand that inner conflict that each and every one of us, as human beings, can go through.
Let me further explain the Socially Modified Self, by quoting from Colin Tipping's "RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS":
This is the self that is not really us, but that we may have become in order to be accepted-the person others have wanted us to be. This is the socially constructed self we have become in order to fit in socially or within a family - even though it is not really us.
As members of any group, we agree to give up some aspects of ourselves in order to conform to certain group norms. Anyone who was brought up in a severely dysfunctional family is likely to have developed a highly modified self, which was simply formed as a way to survive. This conformity occurs at all levels of society: at work, school, church, political situations, in the media, and so on. That's because we are all social animals and are willing to adhere to group norms in order to be socially accepted.
But how much of our individual self-expression are we willing to give up in return for the comfort of being part of these groups? Suppose we are drawn to a particular religious group but have to conform to some very strict rules? Suppose we want to be a monk or a priest or a rabbi? Are we willing to modify who we are for certain purposes? The answer depends on a great many factors and might easily be "yes" if that choice is in line with our overall sense of self and purpose. However, we must ensure that the answer is "no" at the point where, in order to conform, we find ourselves failing to remember our own integrity. To be in integrity means to be whole and complete. If we fall out of integrity with ourselves, we are essentially living a lie. When we are out of integrity with ourselves, our authentic self is completely impaired. When we are inauthentic, we begin to sell ourselves short and chip away at our sense of self. Others will see through us and will eventually reject us. It is clear that we cannot live an inauthentic life for very long. The way to restore our integrity is to reclaim our true selves.
The part of this quote that really hits home to me is where the writer goes into detail about "integrity" and how it is important to be true (to an extent) our who we are and NOT try to conform to others, in order to be part of their group, whether social, religious or political.
In my 43 years, I have witnessed many people who have pretended to be one thing, when, in reality, they have been something completely different. I know that I have been guilty of doing that to an extent, but know that in order for myself to be completely happy and at peace with myself, I need to adapt to my surroundings (socially and religiously) without losing my personal integrity. I have come dangerously close to abandoning my integrity and they have been some of the most (internally) tumultuous times of my life.
The following is an exercise where I am to list the group of "qualities" as set forth in the exercises in RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS and list whether I have "adopted" or "rejected" said quality in order to conform or feel like I have really belonged, to be accepted by my family, church, peer group and so on. Keep in mind that when I list "adopted" or "rejected", it is in reference to my life, and NOT necessarily now.
- Introverted: REJECTED (so many times I have had to leave my "comfort zone")
- Extroverted: ADOPTED
- Talkative: ADOPTED
- Quiet: REJECTED
- Intellectual: ADOPTED
- Excitable: ADOPTED
- A Strong Leader: ADOPTED (where I am most comfortable being a follower, I have had many instances where I have been required to lead... both from a religious and social standpoint)
- Team Oriented: ADOPTED (I am always more comfortable doing "my own thing")
- Individualistic: REJECTED
- Manipulating: REJECTED
- Courageous: ADOPTED (I have spent a great part of my life being "spineless". Times have changed.)
- Fearful: REJECTED
- Seductive: REJECTED (Where my body wants to do one thing, my values tell me another.)
- Shy: REJECTED
- Nervous: REJECTED
- Narcissistic: REJECTED
- Analytical: ADOPTED
- Grouchy: REJECTED (to an extent)
- Stingy: ADOPTED (Sometimes, a person needs to rob himself of "wants" for future "needs". I'm really trying to be better about that.)
- Curious: REJECTED
- Theatrical: ADOPTED
- Ambitious: ADOPTED
- A gambler: ADOPTED (And no, this is not a gambler in the Las Vegas sense. I will only ever play my $5.00 until it's gone. Consider THAT form of gambling to be "video games with ringing bells, butterflies in the stomach, and the lingering smell of an ashtray.)
- Sexy: (What the...?)
- A nurturer: ADOPTED
- Blunt: REJECTED (although I am still far too blunt)
- Competitive: REJECTED
- Indecisive: REJECTED
- Noncommittal: REJECTED (An ongoing struggle in many facets of my life.)
- Practical: ADOPTED
- Obedient: ADOPTED
- Rebellious: REJECTED
- Distrustful: ADOPTED (by default from other bad choices I have made)
- Trusting: ADOPTED (in order to restore any distrust... yeah, it's confusing)
- Caring: ADOPTED
- Inflexible: REJECTED (I try to be flexible emotionally AND physically... not that the latter really matters)
- Energetic: ADOPTED
- Optimistic: ADOPTED
- Pessimistic: REJECTED
- Graceful: ADOPTED (I was dubbed a "clutz", when I was a kid)
- Clumsy: REJECTED
- Judgmental: REJECTED
- Hardworking: ADOPTED
- Lazy: REJECTED
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