Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 9: GUILT

Guilt is something that we, as healthy human beings, should have. If we didn't experience guilt, we would be as handicapped as one who didn't feel fear. If we didn't ever feel a sense of fear, we would continually put our lives in danger by doing things that normal people would deem crazy. If we didn't experience guilt, we would be capable of committing any number of atrocities that would not only hurt other people, but ourselves as well.

However, where guilt is a normal, healthy emotion, there are also forms of guilt that are unhealthy. I will take a few minutes to discuss the different types of guilt that we may experience in our lives...

First, let me discuss "anticipatory guilt". As the name would indicate, this is a guilt that would hopefully prevent you from doing something that would cause you to feel remorse down the road. A good analogy is that of cheating on one's spouse or partner. Although we may feel "tempted" to stray because of a physical or emotional attraction that we are feeling for another person, in most cases, our conscience tells us that this is wrong. Even if one isn't religious (in most religions, such an act would be clearly deemed as immoral), our moral code in society would indicate to us that proceeding with this act might be damaging. With our conscience enabling us with "anticipatory guilt", and depending on the amount of guilt that we might feel, we either proceed with the act or we don't. For many, the guilt would simply be too much to bear.

"Retrospective guilt" is that guilt that we feel after we have done something "wrong". There is no recovering from it - the deed is done. This would be the typical guilt that one feels after wronging another person, stealing something, breaking a law, or breaking a "moral" code that may be attached to one's religious beliefs.

Retrospective guilt can be broken into two different types of guilt... Appropriate Retrospective Guilt and Inappropriate Retrospective Guilt. An example of APPROPRIATE retrospective guilt would be when have intentionally done something to hurt somebody else. We may have intentionally broken an agreement. Or, in a more tragic scenario, we may have gotten drunk, decided it was okay to drive, and then proceeded to hit and kill someone in a motor vehicle accident.

An example of INAPPROPRIATE retrospective guilt would be when a cyclist swerves directly in front of our vehicle without any warning, and we strike and kill him because there was no way to avoid hitting him. It would be totally reasonable to feel sad and regret, of course... but NOT guilty.

Another form of inappropriate guilt is what is commonly referred to as "survivor's guilt". An example of this might be when a soldier fighting in a battle is the only one to survive when all of the other soldiers in his unit die. He might ask, "Why me? Why did I live?" He may feel a sense of guilt that everyone else died and he didn't.

Another inappropriate guilt is "guilt by association". A common form of this is when a young person continually finds himself in trouble and the parent of the young person feels a sense of guilt and shame for the child's behavior. This is a codependent behavior and one that we, as parents, should stay away from.

So, now that we have discussed some of the varying forms of guilt, let's move on to Exercise #8.

EXERCISE #8: How entitled am I to my guilt?

In this exercise, I am going to list several things from my past that I feel guilty about. After recognizing those things that cause me to feel a sense of guilt, I will rate it on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being incredible guilt, 1 being a minimal amount of guilt. After I have rated the guilt, I will then try and determine what percentage of my guilt is "appropriate" and what percentage is "inappropriate".

Be forewarned that this may possibly be uncomfortable for you, the reader. Rest assured that it is going to be far more uncomfortable for me, the writer. I am going to open up about some things that may be considered a little sensitive in nature. If this disturbs you, feel free to go find a blog that deals with scrapbooking or recipes.

And so, we begin...

GUILT #1: TAMPERING WITH THE FACTORY

Okay, let me be honest... this guilt was an immense guilt when I was younger, but now... well... not so much.

I'm assuming that some of you are probably wondering what I'm talking about... "tampering with the factory". Let me explain. I grew up LDS (Mormon). When I was younger, we would occasionally be shown a film strip that talked about the "moral" guidelines with which we were to follow. Our bodies were likened to a factory that produced a life creating substance. Our factories would create their product and release any excess product on it's own accord. We were not to tamper with the factory, for if we did, the factory would speed up production, and we would complicate it's normal output. Not to mention, we'd go blind and/or get hairy palms. Okay... I added that last sentence, but everything else was in the film strip.

Let me say that I began tampering with my factory long before I even knew what I was doing. My factory wasn't even producing anything at that point. My factory must have been unionized and the workers were really lazy, or it didn't actually have a physical product. I had no clue what I was doing, all I knew was that when I did something, it felt really, really good.

Fast forward another year or two, when I finally learn about the factory... and learn that my tampering is not an approved activity within the moral guidelines of my church. We've all heard of "Catholic guilt"... well... in my honest opinion, I don't think it holds a candle to Mormon guilt. For years and years I tried to stop my tampering. I couldn't. For years and years I beat myself up, mentally. I felt like I was broken. Like I was a sick pervert that was a freak of nature. It honestly wasn't until I was an adult and had the topic come up in conversation, that I actually found out that most of my peers had been doing it. Whether or not they were beating themselves up like I had, I do not know, but what I DO know is that I spent the better part of ten years having a guilt inside of me that would probably have ranked at least an 8 or 9, out of a possible 10.

How much of that guilt was "appropriate"? Well... from a religious standpoint, probably 100%. From a sociological standpoint? Probably 0%. It all depends on your moral compass... and what criteria impacts your moral compass. For me, it was my religion.

The reason why I even brought up this personal problem of my childhood is to illustrate how crippling guilt can be. I literally spent a big chunk of my adolescence... between the ages of 11 or 12 to (literally) about the time I got married, feeling like I was "dirty" and "broken" and "evil". It wasn't healthy for me. It truly impacted my happiness as a young person. I don't think that people deserve to carry around that kind of guilt... especially at the expense of their self esteem. That being said, let me move on to my next guilt...

Guilt #2: UNPAID DEBT

The next sources of guilt are closely related, both involving unpaid debt. The first was when we were experiencing some extreme financial hardship and borrowed $300.00 from our teenage babysitter. She had the money saved and offered to lend it to us. We took her up on the offer, with the total intention of paying her back. As the weeks turned to months, we never did have the excess money to pay her back. We eventually moved and had received word that her mother was livid with us for taking advantage of her daughter, and understandably so. To this day, it haunts me. I need to track her down and repay her the money that I owe her... if not to clear my conscience, then at least to do the proper thing.

The second money related guilt was when a friend of mine asked for my assistance in selling a box full of compact discs that he had been given. I did as he asked and ended up receiving a total of $200.00 and failed to give him the $100 that I owed him. At the time, my friend was (and still is) a very successful business man, and we were struggling financially. I intended to get him the money, but needed it for our own needs, at the time. As would often happen in my life, intentions to pay are often brushed under the carpet, as we never seem to have had the excess money to repay the debt. He ended up moving out of the neighborhood, and I have yet to repay him. Again, it is something that I intend to do.

Guilt #3:ABANDONMENT

My greatest guilt in life comes from the events leading up to and culminating in the events of October 25, 2010. At approximately 8:00 PM on the evening of Monday, October 25, 2010, I walked out on my marriage of nearly 21 years. This was not a sudden impulse, but something that had years in the making. In my opinion, it was probably 21 years in the making. First, let me express my feelings that Tiffany, my estranged wife (I hate saying that, but it is the most accurate description), is a wonderful person. She is a funny, sweet person that unfortunately is plagued by demons from her childhood. She has suffered from insecurity most of her life, which laid the foundation for the hurt that was to come. I don't blame her, but the environment from which she came.

In 1996, six years into our marriage, I had become "comfortably numb" with our relationship. It was the early days of the internet, and after being reminded several times that our daughters were Tiffany's main source of happiness, I found myself becoming emotionally attached to other people on the internet. It was a new world, and the excitement and happy emotions that could be found there were like an emotional rebirth for me. In the end, not only did I hurt those that I had become close to, but I had betrayed Tiffany and caused her great pain.

Let me pause to discuss the "guilt factor" that I felt because of my betrayal to Tiffany. In hindsight, I don't remember feeling a terrible amount of guilt. Yes, I did feel guilt that I had hurt Tiffany, but at the same time I must have justified things by thinking that I was driven to those emotional connections. What guilt I had would definitely be considered "appropriate" guilt. I deserved to feel guilty, considering what I did.

Now, let me get back to the story. Tiffany and I tried to work through the hurt and tried to mend our marriage through counseling and focusing on our marriage. It worked... most of the time. On occasion, the insecurities would rear it's ugly head. In addition to the insecurity, because of the hurt that I caused Tiffany, she had built a protective emotional wall to keep her from getting hurt again. Because of this emotional wall, she and I were never able to share the emotional bond that married couples need. There were the occasional times that she would lower her defenses and I would feel a love between us, but more often than not the wall was in place, protecting her from the potential of more emotional abuse. Because of the emotional barrier that stood between us, it opened the door for further emotional betrayal. Over the course of the last 14 years, I would often find myself bonding with other people. It was a Catch 22.... I hurt Tiffany, she builds a barrier to protect herself, which just set her up to be hurt again.

During the last year of our marriage, I had begun to reflect on the state of our marriage. I began to sense the enormity of that barrier that stood between us. I felt like there was no way that we would ever have a happy, healthy relationship as long as she and I couldn't bond with one another. I also felt that our personalities were harmful to each other, mainly because of the insecurities that plagued Tiffany. Again, I reiterate... I do NOT blame Tiffany for any of this. Bless her heart, she has been seeking therapy to overcome the damage that had been caused at such a young age.

Another bad side effect of the insecurities was that I was not able to truly act myself. Because of my extremely outgoing personality, I often felt like it would only fuel Tiffany's insecurities. I honestly feel that now that Tiffany is on her own, she will be able to reach her greatest potential as a human being and child of God. It is my religious belief and personal philosophy that we are on this earth to be tested and to grow and progress from the trials that each of us face. I honestly feel that I hindered Tiffany's ability to truly grow to her greatest potential. In the end, I want to be the best of friends with her. I want to help her overcome her insecurities and not feed them. I care for her very deeply, but honestly feel like she has the potential to become a much happier person without me.

At this point, I would also like to interject my feelings about "guilt" vs. "remorse". For the past four months I have been feeling extreme amounts of guilt about leaving Tiffany. This guilt is fueled by the often judgmental comments of former friends and people from my former church congregation. I always find it ironic that some of the people who proclaim to be Christian are also the first to judge. So much for the Lord's commandment to judge not, lest we be judged. I often hear the term "abandonment" floating around amongst the critics, which fuel my feelings of guilt. I can vividly see the expression on Tiffany's face, the night I left. The look of shock, turned to anger, turned to sadness. To this day, when I get in certain moods, my eyes will fill with tears as I replay the heartbreaking events of that night. I knew, however, that after 14 years (from the time of my initial emotional betrayal), we were not close to overcoming that barrier that was built between us.

Should I feel guilt? Perhaps. In hindsight, I believe that a guilt felt from not being a 100% devoted husband is "appropriate". Do I think that it would be healthy for me to hold on to that guilt? No. Here is where I think "remorse" may be a healthier emotion to deal with. Remorse is a natural emotion to feel when we have hurt someone. The thing with remorse, is that time will hopefully heal those wounds. I know that in time Tiffany will learn to love herself the way she should. I hope that someday soon she will be able to look in the mirror and see the special person that I saw so many times. I hope that she will be able to set the wheels in motion to achieve her personal goals, such as going to school, becoming an independent, successful person and eventually finding a person that she can truly open her heart to... one that won't hurt her, in return.

As for me, I will continue to feel guilt. It's nothing I can run away from. It is the reason why I am going through these exercises. Why I have been working my way through "Radical Self-Forgiveness". Why I have been striving for the "Consciousness Cleanse". Deep down inside, I am happier now than I have ever been. I see myself as a good person. I just hate to see the hurt that I have caused someone I care about. It can't be undone. I will continue to show Tiffany that I do care for her, and will do everything in my power to help her in her life to come.

I know that she and I will BOTH be able to reach a greater potential as friends, rather than dysfunctional partners. As Tiffany begins to see things from my perspective, which I hope she eventually can, my feelings of guilt will diminish and eventually fade into nothingness. I want nothing more than for her to be emotionally healthy. I want to be her friend. I want to see both our lives become more fruitful and free from hurt.

Yes, guilt has played a big part in my life. Sometimes good.... many times not. It is my hope that we each can evaluate our own lives, and figure out for ourselves which guilt is "appropriate", and which guilt is not. And the guilt that isn't... well... it's time to get rid of it and think about self-forgiveness.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 8: IDENTIFYING MY SEXUAL SELF (Part 2)

That, my friends, is some intense stuff. A psychologists... ummm.... nocturnal emission. This essay describing the differences between physical and emotional sexuals has really made me think about what I am, and how it has affected the relationships that I have been in over the years....keeping in mind that the bulk of this relationship experience was my 21 year marriage that I have recently left (I will address this in a moment), I have also been reflecting previous relationships, although they were not as sexual as my marriage.

Before I venture into my relationships, let me share my personal analysis of what I am. According to the plethora of descriptions from both sides of the fence, I have concluded that I lean more on the "emotional sexual" side of things, but am probably in the healthy range of 60/40, emotional sexual being the predominant side. I may even venture to say that it could be a 65/35 split. Allow me to list a few of the factors that led me to this conclusion. First, I have always been somewhat of an introvert, and part of that may be due to the fact that I have never been completely secure in my physical appearance. Socially, I can be introverted, as well as from a sexual point of view. I do not flaunt my sexuality One may suggest that this would be because of my religious background, but I honestly don't think that I would be any different if there was not a religious affiliation in my personal life. Although I went through an adolescent phase where I dressed to draw attention to myself, it was not in a sexual way.

Another item mentioned on the list that resonated with me is the fact that emotional sexuals "feel their feelings inwardly and process them mentally. They seldom express feelings outwardly and do not like to show physical affection in public." In regards to these things, I have never been one to express my feelings outwardly. I can be an open book at times, but from a sexual point of view, I do not express many of my feelings outwardly. As for PDA (not the Personal Digital Assistant, but the dreaded Public Display of Affection), I love holding hands... but that is about as far as it goes. I am not one of those people that can sit in a movie theater and make out... although I did do that a time or two, when I was a teenager. Just don't tell my parents... they'd be very disappointed in me.

For the most part, I feel that I am well balanced between the two lists. My family life is important, but is not all consuming. My career is fairly important to me, but I would not risk relationships in order to climb any company ladders. I also feel that my sexuality is healthy in the fact that I do not depend on it to validate myself. To me, sex is simply a way for two people to deepen their emotional bond... and... if I can be bold, a way for two people to enhance their physical lives.

I know firsthand that it is extremely difficult for two people to have a happy, healthy love life if they don't fit together like puzzle pieces... at least as far as their sexual selves are concerned. I know that I am not a good match for someone who depends on sexuality to validate themselves. Sex can't be a game... unless both parties involved want to turn it into a game on their own accord. To each his/her own... know what I'm sayin'?

To close this extensive post, let me just say that this portion of the Radical Self-Forgiveness was eye opening. It has helped me understand the needs that some people have. It has given me some clear cut things to look for in a prospective partner, as I eventually work my way back into marriage. I have a better idea if I would be a good match with another, based on some very simple criteria... much of which isn't sexual in the least bit. It has also given me a deeper appreciation for the power and importance of therapy in our lives... especially if we are someone that has been through a traumatic life experience that has indefinitely caused our sexual self to be pushed out of whack. Most of us are probably acquainted with someone who was molested as a child. That kind of trauma will usually always cause irreparable damage to the victim, unless they seek help. Some close themselves off, sexually.... others become hyper-sexual. Sexuality, in general, is a very fascinating thing...and also a very fragile eco-system (for lack of a better word).

I hope that the words mentioned earlier have assisted in opening your mind to some of the things that affect our relationships, both on a personal level and a sexual level. If you are like me, the things listed in the book will hopefully help you in all of your social relationships, but specifically as you seek out a compatible mate. Even if you have been married for 15 years, this may help you to better understand your partner's needs. Because, heaven knows... if you can take care of your partner's emotional needs, then they will take care of your physical needs. ;-)

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 8: IDENTIFYING MY SEXUAL SELF (Part 1)

This is going to be a most interesting subject, and not just because it is about sex. Truth be told, this isn't going to deal much with the act of sex, but sexuality in general. And, because this is such an intriguing subject, I am going to quote directly from the book, "RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS" by Colin Tipping.

This is an incredibly complex self. It is certainly worth delving into the sexual self in the interest of self-exploration (not THAT kind of self-exploration kids... that'll just get you hair palms. Oh... and this was my addition. Sorry. My bad. Back to the serious subject at hand... no pun intended.) and self-knowledge. It is also useful in helping us understand how we behave in relationships.

John Kappas, PhD, founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute and author of a number of books on hypnotherapy, developed a model of sexual personality that I find very helpful. It's called the Emotional & Physical Attraction model. On one side of the scale is the self that he describes as "physical sexual". On the other is a self described as "emotional sexual".

The terms physical sexual and emotional sexual can be misleading. What is being referred to here is how we defend the part of ourselves we feel to be most threatened. The physical sexual is driven by an intense fear of rejection. Feeling emotionally vulnerable, we defend our emotions by presenting our physical body at the forefront as a form of protection.

The emotional sexual, on the other hand, is driven by a strong fear of intimacy. Feeling vulnerable physically, we protect our body by constructing a wall of emotion, which contains feelings such as fear, intense shyness, and distrust. There are all sorts of ramifications for how each sexual personality shows up in the world. Following there is a scale that demonstrates the extremes of sexual personality to help you determine where on the continuum you might be. The ideal is to have no more than about a 60/40 bias toward one end or the other. This way you will be able to better understand those with the opposite bias.

100%|-------------------50/50---------------------|100%

Physical Sexual Emotional Sexual

People with a Physical Sexual Self

• They are classic extroverts who project their sexuality outward almost to the point of flaunting it.
• They are very comfortable with their bodies and have a high sex drive.
• They wear clothes and jewelry that emphasize and bring attention to their bodies and their sexual attractiveness.
• Image and appearance are very important to them. No matter what they buy, the main consideration is how it makes them look. They favor elegance, style, color, glitz, and so on. They would never buy a car on the basis of fuel efficiency over style.
• They crave acceptance and attention due to a fear of rejection, which means everything they do is for the purpose of receiving approval. As a result, they are extremely sensitive to criticism.
• When in conversation, the will stand close, lock eyes, and scan others' faces for the sign of possible rejection.
• If rejected, rather than withdraw, they will push forward even more, trying to win others over with charm and persuasion. They become very insistent and pushy. They will not take "no" for an answer, especially from an emotional sexual person of the opposite sex to whom they are irresistibly attracted. They can be assertive and controlling, almost to the point of being obnoxious if they sense rejection.
• They are the life and soul of any party, very popular, and always seem comfortable in social situations. They are never at a loss for something to talk about, and small talk comes easily to them.
• They are natural risk-takers in all aspects of their lives. They are often entrepreneurs or indulge in very physical sports, especially team sports.
• They are less concerned about their bodies being hurt than they are about having their feelings crushed.
• All of their emotions are experienced physically rather than mentally, and when their feelings are hurt, they feel it as intense pain in their bodies. The pain can be so bad that it can literally incapacitate them for long periods of time.
• When a relationship ends, they are devastated and have a very difficult time letting go of it. They take it very personally and feel utterly rejected. They also have a very hard time replacing it. It may be many months before they will have another serious relationship, though they will have plenty of casual sex in the meanwhile. They need it just to feel OK.
• They are hopelessly idealistic about love and relationships and very romantically inclined. Once in a relationship, they tend to be loyal and monogamous. At the same time, they are very jealous and possessive.
• They enjoy children and are very connected to family (or the idea of family). They put family and relationships before career or any other aspect of life - it's their number one priority.
• They communicate by indirect implication and inferences, relying on the listener to make the correct interpretation. In contrast, they hear only what is said literally and don't pick up on implications. You have to tell them explicitly and frequently that you love them. They will not infer that you do just because you are there.

People with an Emotional Sexual Self

• They are classic introverts, and they tend to withdraw into themselves to protect their feelings of physical vulnerability.
• They are not the least bit comfortable in their bodies and have a closed, protective bodily stance that says, "Don't come close, and don't touch me." Their arms will be in front of them as protection, and their feet tend to be turned inward when standing.
• They dress conservatively to divert attention away from their bodies and hide their sexuality, including full-coverage or baggy attire and sensible shoes. Women often wear minimal makeup, if any at all.
• They are not particularly social and have great difficulty making small talk. At parties, they are usually the wallflowers and they leave early.
• They feel their feelings inwardly and process them mentally. They seldom express feelings outwardly and do not like to show physical affection in public.
• They prefer not to be touched. Even the most innocent touch quickly results in some kind of irritation. The type of touch that a physical sexual considers affectionate can seem like physical assault to an emotional sexual.
• They are turned on sexually much more by visual and mental stimuli than by touch.
• For them, sex is not a high priority; neither is family, children or relationships. Their priority is work and career, followed by their hobbies. Relationships come a distant third. They are not very fond of children, and they may choose never to marry.
• They often have extramarital affairs and think little of it, because they do not equate love with sex as do their physical sexual counterparts. They enjoy the mental excitement of affairs.
• When a relationship ends, they get over it in a matter of days and replace it easily. They do not take breakups as a personal rejection.
  
• They don't generally like team sports, but they do excel at individual sports that require rigorous training and personal challenges. They lead with their minds in everything from work, to games, and even sex. They are analytical, careful, and methodical and, therefore, seldom spontaneous.
• They buy cars based not on style and image, but based on which are the most efficient and best engineered. They will research such purchases extensively before they buy.
• If they go into business for themselves, they tend to be accountants, computer programmers, engineers, researchers, or technicians. They like precise, solitary work and are detail oriented. They can be very successful in business.
• They pick up on inferences and subtle implications, but they speak very directly and precisely. They don't waste words and are not physically expressive.

I can't conclude this conversation on the sexual self without explaining how this dynamic plays in our relationships, especially if one or both partners are at an extreme end of the scale. As you might imagine, opposites attract... initially. A high physical sexual will attract a high emotional sexual, and vice versa. At a party, a high physical sexual male will make a beeline for the retiring little emotional sexual who is in the corner clutching her drink and looking shy and embarrassed. He desperately wants to rescue her and "bring her out." She is initially turned off by him because he's so pushy, but eventually succumbs to his irresistible charm and his "take charge" attitude.

Communication seems to flow easily between them, as well. That's because the physical sexual speaks inferentially to the emotional sexual, who easily picks up on the subtle implications of what is being said. Conversely, the emotional sexual speaks directly to the physical sexual, who likes direct communication, not implications. The emotional sexual says little, but is a good listener, whereas the physical sexual loves to dominate the conversation and is more happy to have someone who will just listen. It seems like a match made in heaven. Not only does the communication seem great, but during the honeymoon period, which lasts about six months, they begin reverting to their natural type. As the chemistry that enabled them to let down their defenses for a while begins to fade, so, too, do their defenses reemerge, and their primary behavior returns to the forefront.

Consequently, emotional sexuals begin withdrawing emotionally and wanting less sex. Their fear of intimacy and their tendency to avoid it returns. They begin focusing on things that interest them besides the relationship. This drives the physical sexual crazy because he or she interprets the emotional sexual's behavior as implicit rejection and an indication of the partner falling out of love. That makes him or her even more demanding of love, sex, and physical affection, which in turn makes the emotional sexual withdraw even more.
Once both fear responses have kicked in, the situation goes from bad to worse, and the relationship is virtually irretrievable. If they stay together, it will be the emotional sexual who controls the relationship. That's because the physical sexual will sell a large chunk of himself or herself (remember lost selves?) in order to get whatever sex or physical affection the emotional sexual is willing to give. That's why a lot of strong-looking physical sexual males are controlled by weaker-looking wives. A woman who knows how to manipulate that fear of rejection owns her man.

You might imagine that the ideal arrangement would be two of the same type together. This is not so. Two physical sexuals together would be in competition with each other and would act like a couple of divas. They would talk at each other in implications, with neither of them fully understanding the meaning. They would talk over each other and always see rejection in every utterance. It would be an intensely sexual liaison, but their jealousy and possessiveness would create terrible problems. They would always be fighting.

Two emotional sexuals together would soon get very bored with one another. Sex would be nonexistent, and their communication minimal. Their best chance at survival would be if they were to work together. Otherwise, one or both would likely be out looking for an affair just to relieve the boredom.

Concluding this discussion on the sexual self, I would ask you to please remember that these are the extremes. Most of us are either predominantly physical or emotional, but have enough of the other to find balance to a greater or lesser degree. You can probably make a rough assessment of where you are on that scale, which can give you a sufficient idea of your sexual self. Again, you will want to compare this assessment with your authentic self (see Exercise 1) to ensure that there is congruence.

To be continued...

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 7: IDENTIFYING MY SABOTEUR SELF

First, I must point out that of all my "selves" that I have been studying (and subsequently reporting on), the Saboteur Self is the one that I feel is most distant from who I am as a person.

To sum up the Saboteur Self, this is the part of our personality that subconsciously tries to protect us from things in our lives that may cause us harm. Most often, the Saboteur Self manifests itself in the areas of relationships (both familial and between a partner or spouse) and finances.

In our lives, especially during the vulnerable years of childhood and adolescence, we encounter things in our lives that may be disturbing to us. More often than not, we will utilize our psychological defense mechanisms to protect our emotional state from being hurt, but in so doing, we will often suppress the emotions and drive them into our subconscious level.

In the area of relationships, our Saboteur Self may manifest itself throughout life, if we grew up in an environment where we witnessed psychological, emotional or (heaven forbid) physical abuse. It is common for people who grew up in such an environment to conclude that marriage is not good, and therefore our Saboteur Self will manifest itself in every relationship that we become involved in. Once we feel "safe and secure" in our relationship, our Saboteur Self will be activated to try and protect us from getting hurt by the person who we are involved with... even though, in reality, there is probably no cause for such protection.

I spent several years working a swing shift and would listen to the syndicated radio program, "LOVELINES", featuring Dr. Drew (Pinsky) and comedian, Adam Corolla. On the program they would take calls from listeners who had questions regarding physical and emotional relationships. After listening to the program for an extended amount of time, you would undoubtedly see a pattern in people that had been abused, whether physically or emotionally. In almost every case, these people would begin to sabotage their relationships once they began to feel "comfortable". Their subconscious psyche would tell them that a happy, healthy relationship is NOT normal, and that if you continue down that road, you will undoubtedly get hurt. Because of the subconscious sabotage that the (for lack of a better word) damaged personalities would bring into the relationships, these relationships would nearly always end in shambles.

Surprisingly, money is one of the biggest parts of our life that is sabotaged by our subconscious Saboteur Self. Most people think that they are just not cut out to be rich, successful people, when in reality it is this subconscious thinking that, more often than not, prevents us from reaching financial success. In reflecting over my life, I truly wonder if this is the case with me. Most of my adult life has been plagued with financial hardship, but in retrospect I think it was just because of a bad financial chemistry between my (soon-to-be) ex-wife. I lay no blame on one or the other of us, but know that between the two, we had a bugger of a time trying to budget money.

Psychologists say that the main reason for our Saboteur Self manifesting itself, when it comes to money, is that we may have grown up in a home where our father (or other key figure in our life) was so determined to be successful with his work, that his familial relationships suffered. As a child, we witnessed the devastation caused by our father's quest for success, and subsequently buried those emotions into our subconscious. Although we may not directly associate money with the deterioration of a parental relationship, we subconsciously will always associate financial success with heartache.

In studies, psychologists have seen cases where people that manifested this subconscious resentment of money would literally try and sabotage their own businesses, in order to NOT succeed. It was never a conscious decision, but would be manifested by hiring people that they may have known were not the best people for the position.

I, myself, have known people that have seemed to sabotage their own employment with jobs, because they somehow, subconsciously, didn't find peace in having stable employment.

Now, for me, money issues and the Saboteur Self was never an issue. My parents were probably considered lower middle-class. My mother worked out of the house as a seamstress and my father was a police officer. These occupations were anything but financially lucrative. I never had any of the associations brought up by Colin Tipping, in his book "Radical Self-Forgiveness", yet I have never had any real luck with money.

In reality, being financially well off is not a goal of mine. I don't desire wealth. I am not going to be foolish enough to say that I would shun wealth, but I don't feel the need to make money a focal point. Money, in my opinion, does NOT equal happiness. There are too many wealthy people running around this planet of ours that are not happy, even though they have more money than they will ever need. To me, happiness comes from within, not without. I know that contentment comes from having enough money to take care of bills, and have witnessed the stress that is caused by a lack of money, but I don't associate wealth with a long term happiness.

In closing, I reflect over my life and can honestly say that it has been a very normal experience. My family was not wealthy, but we got by. I wasn't robbed a decent childhood, although it did at times require my father to work overtime in order for us to be able to enjoy some of the nicer things in life like camping. Yes, THAT was my wealth in life... memories of camping trips and vacations, albeit inexpensive vacations.

So, to sum up my thoughts, I think it would best be said that IF I have a Saboteur Self, it is a small one... and, in my opinion, does not manifest itself in my day to day life. I work for the Postal Service. My life is, for the most part, simple. I am not on a course to be rich, nor do I desire that. I want enough money to take care of my needs as well as that of my family. In the area of relationships, I honestly don't think that I have an active Saboteur Self. Although I am currently separated from my wife, the decision to leave was not based on any negative experiences as a child. My parents have been married for 46 years and seem to be completely happy. I never saw signs of strife between the two of them. The reality of my situation is that I think separation (and ultimately divorce) from my wife will actually make both of us happier, more functional people in the end. At least that is my hope. I can attest that going through such things does have it's share of pain and that it may be sometimes hard to truly realize that it's for the best, but I have hope that she and I will become better friends in the end, and that we will be able to grow beyond what we were able to do, while living together.

That being said, it's time to buckle down and get my thoughts ready to discuss my Sexual Self. Oh, this is going to be fun...

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 6: IDENTIFYING MY DISOWNED SELF

My "disowned" Self? What? Well... this is going to be interesting.

To describe the "Disowned Self", let me turn to the book RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS, by Colin Tipping.

Our disowned selves are the parts of ourselves that we have rejected as unacceptable and have put completely out of sight and out of mind. We accomplish this through the mechanism of repression. That means that we have pushed them so deep down in the subconscious mind that we have absolutely no awareness of them whatsoever.

Repression is not the same as suppression. When we suppress parts of ourselves, we know that they are still there. This would be true of our lost selves. We know those parts exist in us, but we intentionally keep them suppressed. Conversely, those parts of ourselves that we have disowned and repressed are out of our awareness altogether. Carl Jung referred to this repressed material as our shadow. Let's look at how these parts of ourselves initially got denied, rejected, and then disowned.

When we were growing up and looking for approval and love from those around us, most notably our parents, we soon learned which of our attributes won us love and approval and which did not. Out of a sense of survival, we selected the most approved attributes to live from and quickly disowned the others.

From the acceptable list, we created the socially modified self that we present to the world, and we dumped the rest into our shadow. It's likely that we've added even more material to our shadow as we've developed, but most of our disowned selves were repressed early as a result of our being shamed over them. Having shifted all the UNAPPROVED attributes into our shadow and repressed them, we might think they are safely buried and inactive. They are not. Attached to every one of them is an energy, which is both active and reactive. Each attribute has the ability to rise up from the depths of our unconscious to be recognized and accepted.

For that reason, we remain ever fearful of our shadow, and we do everything we can to avoid coming to terms with it. The act of repressing it is an avoidance strategy. But an even better way to avoid dealing with our shadow material is to project it onto someone else. In other words, we symbolically take it out of ourselves, project it onto someone or something else OUT THERE, and then convince ourselves that we no longer have it.

Here's how it works: we first find someone who seems to have a lot of the qualities we hate in ourselves. Next, we criticize or judge him or her unmercifully for having those qualities, unaware, of course, that they are our very own attributes. We then become angry and self-righteous and go to great lengths to make the person wrong, and to punish him or her if possible. With our focus strongly set on the "bad" person out there, the need to see what is "in here" is neatly sidestepped and avoided.

Projection is a powerful defense mechanism. It has the potential to keep us stuck in self-loathing, because it automatically prevents us from recognizing and accepting a significant part of ourselves. Nevertheless, it does offer us a way to retrieve our disowned selves. Once we understand the mechanism of projection and can recognize when we are doing it - that is, when we are criticizing another for our own shortcomings - we can decide to reverse the projection.

When we become more aware of our tendencies to project, we are in effect recognizing the principle "If you spot it, you've got it." We reclaim our projection by recognizing the person we are judging as someone who has come into our lives to mirror what we have disowned and to give us the opportunity to see it and welcome it back with love and acceptance.

The exercise that accompanies this section is a most interesting one. Where all the previous exercises have asked me to select traits from a specific list, this one is different. Because these traits have been "disowned", I don't even know that they are there. So, how do I recognize the traits that I may have disowned, only to live deep inside of me, fighting to occasionally get out? Well... it's easy.

In this exercise, I am to list 2 individuals. Now, to not offend anyone, I need not list their names. I merely list two individuals and create a list of all the reasons why I hate or (in my case) strongly dislike the person. If you do this exercise, you are free to choose someone who you may deal with on a daily basis, or it may even be someone that you have never met... like a celebrity. In my case, I will be listing both an individual that I work with AND a celebrity. I find it interesting that in the case of my two individuals, there are some extremely similar, if not identical, traits.

INDIVIDUAL #1: Co-worker

• Arrogant
• Critical
• Condescending
• Pretentious
• Uncaring

Most items that I listed are related, and if I were to continue, the list would just consist of things like "holier-than-thou", "cocky", etc. I feel that they are too closely related to the previous things listed in the list. As a general rule, I try to be a person that overlooks the negative in people. From my perspective, we ALL have negative issues that may or may not annoy other people. I know I have plenty of personality traits that probably annoy other people. I tend to be very outspoken, especially about things that I feel very passionate about. Whether it be politics (although, for the most part, I have pretty much divorced myself from the contentious world of politics), music, film, or even celebrities... like the one I am about to talk about... I try to look at the positive in people. However, in some cases it's just downed right impossible.

Case in point:

Individual #2: a celebrity

• Egocentric... dare I say, egomaniacal? Is it really a word? Spell-check doesn't think so.
• Manipulative
• Self-promoting
• Pretentious
• Shallow
• Disingenuous

Okay, so in hindsight, I guess this list isn't that similar to the first person... yet, I still find myself disturbed that if this exercise is, in fact, accurate.... I'm a dick. So, if that is, in fact, the case... I'm sorry to all of you. BUT, before we all get bummed out about the fact that I am potentially an unpleasant character, let's keep in mind that THIS is the reason why I am going through these exercises. I am going to accept the fact that I am a pretentious, condescending, shallow, self-promoting individual... exercise those traits from my being... and next time you see me, I'm genuinely going to be a sweet guy. Wait... was that a pretentious thing to say?

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 5: IDENTIFYING MY LOST SELVES

This exercise will be short, yet as important as the rest. First, let me explain the "Lost" self to you. This is the self that we have lost by giving them up or shutting them down OR trading them away for love, money, power, status, or something similar.

There is a short list (in the book "RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS", by Colin Tipping) of things that are most commonly given away in pursuit the aforementioned items. A good example would be the classic Hollywood cliche' of people "sleeping their way to the top". Although a prevalent act in Hollywood, this kind of behavior happens all over the place, especially in the workplace. People will give up sex, innocence, trust, integrity... a combination of all of them... or other things, in order to improve their career pursuits.

It isn't just sexual related sacrifices that we make, as there are any number of things that we may give up in pursuit of something that we think are more important. Some people will give up their freedom or their happiness in order to secure a relationship with somebody who isn't the best match, but is desirous in other ways (looks and appearances, etc.).

I will now go through the list and write down some of the items that I feel I have sacrificed, at one point in my life or another, in order to get something else. Before doing this, I would like to point out that, for the most part, I have always been someone that does what I want. I am not particularly ambitious in the way of many professional people. I don't sacrifice my standards or personal beliefs in order to get gain. I have, however, occasionally sacrificed one of my "selves" in order to find happiness in another part of my life. Sometimes the trade-off has been worth it, other times not.

Probably one of my greatest sacrifices... and by great, I mean big... NOT good, was back in the late 1990's, when my marriage was all but dead. It was functioning, but barely. In the early days of the internet, I became emotionally attached to a young woman thousands of miles away. It wasn't a sexual thing. I didn't even know what she looked like, until some time into the "relationship". In the end, it all blew up in my face, and I had betrayed my wife's trust. In essence, I gave up MY trust. The trust she had in me. Over the years, we tried to make it work, but in the end that trust which I had sacrificed years before, cost me dearly. I gave up trust in pursuit of what I thought was happiness. It was happiness then... albeit short lived... and is now, 14 years later, probably one of my biggest regrets in my life.

Part of my reason for going through this exercise is to purge my conscience of these things that have burdened me for so many years. With any luck, when all is said and done, I will have restored any lost "selves" that were sacrificed, and I will be able to move forward with my life a complete person, with my integrity intact. In the future, I don't ever want to sacrifice any of my precious "selves" in the pursuit of something that I may want at that moment.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 4: IDENTIFYING MY MODIFIED SELF

The particular "self" hits very close to home. Let me explain why...

Most of you know that I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons). Most of you know that people that belong to my church either live lives different from most people, or they are supposed to live lives that manifest standards set apart from the rest of the world. In reality, we are taught to be "In the world, but not OF the world", meaning we should be a functioning part of society (not holed up in a compound), but living the standards set forth by the church we belong to, whether in the form of scripture or counsel from our Church leaders.

For those that belong to ANY religion, you are aware that (in most cases) you are asked to live in a way that would sometimes go against your physical nature... or your true self. For example: genetically, our bodies are wired to reproduce. We have urges that, unless controlled, can create havoc in our lives. In many religions (mine included), we are taught to use our procreative power for particular purposes and NOT indiscriminately. Such is the difference between our AUTHENTIC HUMAN self and our SOCIALLY MODIFIED self. My body says it wants to have sex with anyone that it is attracted to... my beliefs say that it needs to be saved for my spouse. This should hopefully give a clear idea of the difference in these two selves... keeping in mind that they are BOTH selves that dwell inside of each and every one of us. Knowing this fundamental fact help us to more fully understand that inner conflict that each and every one of us, as human beings, can go through.

Let me further explain the Socially Modified Self, by quoting from Colin Tipping's "RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS":

This is the self that is not really us, but that we may have become in order to be accepted-the person others have wanted us to be. This is the socially constructed self we have become in order to fit in socially or within a family - even though it is not really us.
As members of any group, we agree to give up some aspects of ourselves in order to conform to certain group norms. Anyone who was brought up in a severely dysfunctional family is likely to have developed a highly modified self, which was simply formed as a way to survive. This conformity occurs at all levels of society: at work, school, church, political situations, in the media, and so on. That's because we are all social animals and are willing to adhere to group norms in order to be socially accepted.
But how much of our individual self-expression are we willing to give up in return for the comfort of being part of these groups? Suppose we are drawn to a particular religious group but have to conform to some very strict rules? Suppose we want to be a monk or a priest or a rabbi? Are we willing to modify who we are for certain purposes? The answer depends on a great many factors and might easily be "yes" if that choice is in line with our overall sense of self and purpose. However, we must ensure that the answer is "no" at the point where, in order to conform, we find ourselves failing to remember our own integrity. To be in integrity means to be whole and complete. If we fall out of integrity with ourselves, we are essentially living a lie. When we are out of integrity with ourselves, our authentic self is completely impaired. When we are inauthentic, we begin to sell ourselves short and chip away at our sense of self. Others will see through us and will eventually reject us. It is clear that we cannot live an inauthentic life for very long. The way to restore our integrity is to reclaim our true selves.

The part of this quote that really hits home to me is where the writer goes into detail about "integrity" and how it is important to be true (to an extent) our who we are and NOT try to conform to others, in order to be part of their group, whether social, religious or political.

In my 43 years, I have witnessed many people who have pretended to be one thing, when, in reality, they have been something completely different. I know that I have been guilty of doing that to an extent, but know that in order for myself to be completely happy and at peace with myself, I need to adapt to my surroundings (socially and religiously) without losing my personal integrity. I have come dangerously close to abandoning my integrity and they have been some of the most (internally) tumultuous times of my life.

The following is an exercise where I am to list the group of "qualities" as set forth in the exercises in RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS and list whether I have "adopted" or "rejected" said quality in order to conform or feel like I have really belonged, to be accepted by my family, church, peer group and so on. Keep in mind that when I list "adopted" or "rejected", it is in reference to my life, and NOT necessarily now.

• Introverted: REJECTED (so many times I have had to leave my "comfort zone")
  
• Extroverted: ADOPTED
• Talkative: ADOPTED
• Quiet: REJECTED
• Intellectual: ADOPTED
• Excitable: ADOPTED
• A Strong Leader: ADOPTED (where I am most comfortable being a follower, I have had many instances where I have been required to lead... both from a religious and social standpoint)
  
• Team Oriented: ADOPTED (I am always more comfortable doing "my own thing")
  
• Individualistic: REJECTED
• Manipulating: REJECTED
• Courageous: ADOPTED (I have spent a great part of my life being "spineless". Times have changed.)
  
• Fearful: REJECTED
• Seductive: REJECTED (Where my body wants to do one thing, my values tell me another.)
  
• Shy: REJECTED
• Nervous: REJECTED
• Narcissistic: REJECTED
• Analytical: ADOPTED
• Grouchy: REJECTED (to an extent)
• Stingy: ADOPTED (Sometimes, a person needs to rob himself of "wants" for future "needs". I'm really trying to be better about that.)
  
• Curious: REJECTED
• Theatrical: ADOPTED
• Ambitious: ADOPTED
• A gambler: ADOPTED (And no, this is not a gambler in the Las Vegas sense. I will only ever play my $5.00 until it's gone. Consider THAT form of gambling to be "video games with ringing bells, butterflies in the stomach, and the lingering smell of an ashtray.)
  
• Sexy: (What the...?)
• A nurturer: ADOPTED
• Blunt: REJECTED (although I am still far too blunt)
• Competitive: REJECTED
• Indecisive: REJECTED
• Noncommittal: REJECTED (An ongoing struggle in many facets of my life.)
  
• Practical: ADOPTED
• Obedient: ADOPTED
• Rebellious: REJECTED
• Distrustful: ADOPTED (by default from other bad choices I have made)
• Trusting: ADOPTED (in order to restore any distrust... yeah, it's confusing)
• Caring: ADOPTED
• Inflexible: REJECTED (I try to be flexible emotionally AND physically... not that the latter really matters)
• Energetic: ADOPTED
• Optimistic: ADOPTED
• Pessimistic: REJECTED
• Graceful: ADOPTED (I was dubbed a "clutz", when I was a kid)
• Clumsy: REJECTED
• Judgmental: REJECTED
• Hardworking: ADOPTED
• Lazy: REJECTED

One last note: In the process of creating the socially modified self, we often lose many parts of ourselves. These selves are distinct and deserve to be recongnized in their own right - and are referred to as our "lost selves." These will be the focus of the next exercises...

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 3 cont.: MY ROLE MODELS

This portion of Exercise 3 is going to be a little more difficult for me than one would think. I think the reason for this is that I have strayed away from a mentality where I have tried to pattern my life after other individuals. Yes, there are people that I admire... and perhaps I shall list them... but, for the most part, I don't pick any particular individuals as "role models".

When I was a child, I used to attach myself to other people's "role models", in particularly my cousin, Chris. Chris and I grew up a few streets apart, and were in the same grade at school. He was my childhood chum. Chris was a few months older than me, so I was always comfortable being his "follower". I have always manifested a somewhat meek personality, especially when I was young. Because of this, I must have carried around a significant amount of insecurity as a child, and didn't fully begin to shake a great deal of that until I was in high school.

As a child, Chris loved airplanes. I, too, loved airplanes... but, mainly because Chris did. I would seek to learn what information he would throw my direction. In addition to this love of aviation, I would also follow Chris's lead when it came to the role models that he would try and identify with. I remember Chris being an avid Los Angeles Rams fan. I recall endless conversations about the likes of Fran Tarkenton and..... oh, screw it..... I'm lucky I remember Fran Tarkenton's name. My love of the Rams (and football in general) was based simply off of Chris's obsession with it. I wanted to fit in with him, as well as my peers.

My reason for rambling on about my grade school years is to make that point that I would create role models for myself, especially at a young age. Where some of the more confident children would openly idolize their sports heroes (like Fran Tarkenton), I idolized Chris. I don't believe that it was my intention to, but Chris seemed to know everything.

It wasn't until I was in junior high that I really began to form heroes of my own... and that came in the form of musicians. "Yes", you're saying.... "THAT is the group of people for you to pattern your life after". Oh... wait... you were being sarcastic? Ah, who am I fooling?? However, this was, in fact, the people that I really began to idolize. I think it must have been the image purveyed by my favorite musical group (as a teen) that really laid the path for who I would become as an adolescent.

Cheap Trick were a quirky four-piece Rock band from Illinois, with two of the members being good looking, fashionably dressed (well, as fashionably dressed as one could be in 1978) individuals, while the other two members were... well...not. Bun E. Carlos, the drummer, would simply wear his short sleeved, white dress shirt and tie, dark dress slacks, with a cigarette hanging out his mouth. And, NO... before you ask... I did NOT take up smoking on account of Bun E.'s incessant habit. However, the other "reject" in the group was Rick Nelson... guitarist extraordinaire. Rick, at one point in his career, owned over 500 guitars, most of them custom made to display a song title... or an object... or, in one case, HIMSELF. Either way, through the first 4 albums of their career, you would find Rick Nelson dressed in cardigan sweaters and dress pants, with a ball cap on his head. He was a nerd. He was proud to be a nerd. He knew he would never be the sex symbols that Robin Zander and Tom Petterson were, so he embraced his quirky nature and ran with it. I admired that. I knew that I wasn't ever going to be a jock. I knew that I was never going to be big. I was always going to be average. Average height, average weight, average shoe size, average looks, average... well... you get the point. Rick Nelson gave me the confidence to embrace who I was, and possibly even manipulate my appearance with quirky little accessories to make myself stand out. And... he helped give me my love of music.

Now, for the record, I never did take much stock in the Rock'n'Roll lifestyle OR the attitude. I loved the people that ran a little left of the mainstream. I vividly remember reading an article about REO SPEEDWAGON, when I was in 9th grade. It was one of the teen rags that would highlight whomever was at the top of Pop Culture. This happened to be after the release of HiInfedelity, the REO album that made them a household name. I loved that album. Many a night would I spend out in the living room... accordion door pulled shut... tennis racket in hand, pretending to be Gary Richrath (REO's guitarist at the time) playing the guitar solo from "FOLLOW MY HEART" as if I were, in fact, Rock's greatest guitarist. HEY!! MR. DAHL!! WHAT IS YOUR POINT?!? My point is that as much as I wanted to BE the big shots in my favorite bands, the guy I embraced as my role model was REO's drummer, Alan Gratzer. In this "teen rag"... you know, the one I was speaking of way back there, in the early part of this boring story... there was a short bio about each of the band members. In the short bio, the members were asked to describe their cars, their home, some of the things that they had acquired along with their celebrity. I remember seeing Mercedes Benz cars listed, rather expansive homes, all the things that you would expect to see from a Rock star. Alan Gratzer, on the other hand, was married... he had a wife and children... and lived in a 3 bedroom home and drove a Volvo station wagon. I was touched by his humility and his ability to lead, at least what appeared to be, a normal life.

As I have grown into an adult, something which I am STILL in the process of doing, I have looked elsewhere for the admirable traits that I have, at the very least, WANTED to emulate in my life. I have not always been successful, as I am who I am, and it is often difficult to be someone you are not. I try... sometimes I succeed... sometimes I fail.

One such example to me was that of my high school choir teacher. Some of my high school friends that may stumble across this blog post (via Facebook) will remember the quiet, professional dignity of Mr. Flinders. There was one trait that Mr. Flinders exhibited that I always held above the rest... and that was his patience. Not only his patience, but his ability to control over 100 students. Sure, Mr. Flinders had to reprove some of us, but he had a quiet, intense way of demanding our respect. I have ALWAYS wanted to handle people the way he did... and I have always failed.

Another person that I have always wanted to emulate... and may I add, MOST importantly... is that of Jesus. As I have become an adult I have reflected on the example of Jesus Christ, and the example of how He lived. Now, I don't want anyone to think that I am preaching my religion here, because I am not. If anything, I have separated my feelings about the example and life of Christ, APART from the way many Christians will do. Too many people in our world use the life and ministry of Christ as a catalyst to spread intolerance and hate.... two things that I have NEVER found in the teachings of Christ. Christ exemplified humility. He showed an unfailing patience. He told us to show only love for our fellow man. He told us that we should forgive those that have wronged us in any way. All of these things seem to contrast the attitude that too many "Christians" seem to emulate, in our world.

Another example to me is my father. Now, I know that my father will probably never read this, so I will be very candid about my relationship with him. First, let me say that my father is a good man and that I do love him. In retrospect, I think that I have spent a significant amount of my life trying to please him and feel that I have fallen short of that. In many ways, I think my father has had a difficult time understanding that we all have our own struggles in life, and we are anything but perfect. Especially me. Where my father really has been an example to me, is how he has taken a lifetime of physical adversity and used it as a catalyst to increase his faith in God. He has been diabetic since his early 30's (if not his late 20's) and has suffered all types of health problems over the years.

Serious health problems began to plague him back in the mid to late 80's, when he experienced kidney failure. At the time, I was serving a mission for my church, and was absent through the first half of his kidney problems. Before I had left on my mission, my dad was (for the most part) a rather jovial human being. He had a sense of humor and had always dealt with teens in a very good way. He was very popular with all the teenagers that dealt with him. After his kidney failure, his life seemed to take on a much more sober approach. Part of that, I'm sure, had to do with months of Dialysis, seeing people come and go... often to their graves. It must have been a horrible experience, not to mention the inner conflict of wondering IF and WHEN his kidney would become available. By time all was said and done, he received his kidney in May of 1989. Most doctors stated that the average life of a transplanted kidney is 8-10 years. Here we are, nearly 22 years later, and my father is still plugging along with that same kidney. After his transplant... and, more accurately, after his initial kidney failure... he really became a more serious person. Part of that was an introspection brought on by his endless hours of contemplating his mortality. At the same time, his faith in God really seemed to take off... just when many people might turn away from God, wondering why such horrible things were happening to THEM. I admire that quality in my father. I respect the way he has been able to turn the subsequent health problems (including amputation of his foot, endless eye problems, excessive weight gain due to many of his anti-rejection medications) into a catalyst to draw himself closer to his spiritual beliefs.

While I don't always see eye to eye with my father's spiritual and political beliefs, I do admire his faith and determination to NOT let his physical trials get him down.

If there is any trait that I would like to adopt... if it is at all possible for me... it would to become a more nurturing and loving father. I have always tried to be a "cool" dad... to be an open minded father... but, when it boils down to it, I seem to manifest the same impatience that I often from my own father. Especially, as my children have grown older. Sometimes my liberal approach to parenting has come back to bite me in the butt... other times I have not been nearly liberal enough to let my children stumble and fall, wanting to protect them from the dangers of the world. And, in reality, it's those times that we are down that we truly become better people.

So, to summarize this long reflection of my life, it is time for me to take what I have learned over the last 43 years and create my "ideal" self. My ideal self would be an all loving person, like Christ.... someone who is tolerant of everyone, regardless of their spiritual beliefs, their sexual orientation, or the way that they may treat me, personally. I would be a patient person, like Mr. Flinders. I would be a person that can take endless trials and use them to my betterment, like my father. I would like to be a truly humble person, someone who is comfortable with what he has and without feeling a need to have more. Okay... I think I have this one taken care of, but I am still thankful for Alan Gratzer's example of (at least what seemed to be) humility.

I have a long ways to go. I know that. However, I don't dwell on that. I take my life one day at a time, hoping that when I go to bed at night, I wake up a better person. THAT is all I can ask of myself...

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 3: IDENTIFYING MY IDEAL SELF

Before I get busy identifying my "IDEAL" Self, I need to post a few more things about my (false) Inferred Self. The book (RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS by Colin Tipping) has requested that I write in my journal a statement that describes how I tend to be seen as a certain kind of person, with the qualities I have checked (both good and bad) that are NOT an accurate reflection of who I am. Hmmmmm.... let me think.

I would have to say that the quality that people tend to perceive me as, is that of "Extrovert". Because I can be an extremely outgoing person is some situations, people often think that I have no shame, when it comes to putting myself out on display. The reality is that I tend to be a fairly private person (so says the guy that seems to be putting a great deal of his personal life into a series of blog posts) that would prefer being at home, doing his own thing, over most social events. Frankly, I can't stand being in environments or groups of people, where the majority of people put on their "phony" face and try to portray themselves as something that they are not. Many people in "high society" seem to come across as anything but genuine.

The book also reminds me that I am NOT to blame the people "out there", but that I am to take full responsibility for the potential that I, myself, created the disparity. Hey, it's true... I won't deny it. I ofttimes come across as a very social person, when I am not. Plain and simple.

Anyhoo..... on to identifying my IDEAL Self.

What exactly, you ask, is an Ideal Self? Well, let me explain...

The Ideal Self is the Self that we would really LIKE to be. It is a "fantasy" self. Often times, we will strive to pattern ourselves after our perception of another person. It is usually harmless, and in the case of teenagers, actually helps us to define who we will eventually become.

I remember when I was back in high school. Many of the clothes that I wore were reflections of the musical artists that I listened to. I was a big fan of Paul Weller's band, THE STYLE COUNCIL. I would watch Style Council concert videos and use Paul Weller's outfits as a model of what I wanted to dress like. Or, perhaps I would see a hairdo that looked like something I wanted to model. Well, as far as my thick, wiry hair would allow. Sheesh... thick, wiry hair? Whoduthunk?!?

I am now going to go through the list in the book and highlight those traits that I do NOT feel that I currently have, but would like to have as part of my "ideal" Self.

• Extroverted: It would be nice to actually be completely comfortable going out of my way to talk to people. For anyone from the Salt Lake area that watches the KUTV (Channel 2) morning news, you may be familiar with a young woman that does different fitness routines, on Thursday mornings. This young woman was from my last LDS "ward" (a church congregation) and I will never forget the first time that we met anyone from the ward. It was the annual Christmas party and we walked through the door, only knowing a couple people. Young Megan (who was probably 17 or 18, at the time) immediately left her family and came and sat by my family, openly engaging us in conversation. I was truly envious of her ability to leave her comfort zone.... ah, who am I fooling... her "comfort zone" is ENORMOUS.
  
• Talkative: In a related story to the above mentioned person, I also have another close friend that seems to have the ability to talk to ANYONE, at any time. She travels a lot and will strike up conversations on the airplanes with just about anyone who is willing to talk. Me? I get on an airplane and count down the minutes until the plane has lifted off, so I can get my noise canceling headphones back on, and lose myself in my music.
  
• Intellectual: Over the past couple of days, I have been giving great thought about going back to school. I may be 43 years old, and it may take me until I'm 50 to get a Bachelor's Degree, but I feel a very strong need to study Psychology. I have too many people in my life that are in great need of someone who can understand their emotional and mental needs, and I would like to have some kind of knowledge in the field. Heck, maybe I could become an actual therapist by time I'm 55!
  
• A Strong Leader: In my last LDS ward, I was immediately thrust into the position of Scoutmaster for the Boy Scouts of America. This is a position that requires a strong leader. An organized leader. A focused leader. I'm not any of them. If it weren't for the talented bunch of men and women that assisted me, I would have failed miserably. I have also served in a couple of subsequent leadership positions, in my church, yet still don't feel like I'm truly qualified for any of those positions. I had a desire to help... to do those things that most people try and escape from (service projects)... but never considered myself a leader. I could really dig being one.
  
• Courageous: Courageous? Yeah... not me. I was the kid that was scared to death to turn 18, because I didn't even want the remote possibility of being drafted into the military, not to mention being shipped off to war. I'm a chicken... plain and simple.
  
• Ambitious: To quote the musical group, GOLDEN PALOMINOS, 'my ambitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing...' Hmmm... I could probably use some more ambitions... like going back to school.
  
• Sexy: I could really use some classically handsome features. Like George Michael, any of the actors to play James Bond... or Marty Feldman.
  
• A nurturer: If I have one regret, as a father, it's that I was never very nurturing. I know that the nurturing usually comes from "mother", but I could have used a little more that I seem to manifest. If my daughters would come to me with a "boo-boo", I'd say something akin to, "Oh, it's nothing... stop crying... you'll be fine." Geez, I'm an arse.
  
• Practical: Practical. Heck, I don't even think I really know what that means! Oh... yeah... practical would be like my friend, Kristy Bassett, who is the queen of coupon shoppers. She would rather stock up on 5 of something, rather than let a good coupon go to waste. I don't even know how to cut coupons out of the newspaper. That's practical.
  
• Trusting: Sure... leave your Black Lab (NOT on a hot day) in your mother-in-law's piece of crap car for a short while, only to find that the dog has completely shredded the interior of the car, and you are NEVER trusted again. Or am I the only one that this has happened to?
  
• Energetic: I'm tired. I'm almost always tired. My job is exhausting. I can't even function without a bottle of Mountain Dew, in the morning. Heck, I can hardly function now. I wish I were energetic.
  
• Hardworking: I'm VERY hard working at work.... it's when I get home that I struggle. I'd like to be hardworking all day long. That'd be swell.

Tune in tomorrow(?), when I will list specific individuals that have (what I consider to be) admirable traits...what those specific traits are.... and whether or not I think those individuals would be a good role model for me. Yeah.... this will be fun.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 2: IDENTIFYING MY (FALSE) INFERRED SELF

What in the Sam Heck is an INFERRED SELF, you ask? Good question! It, in fact, is the part of our self that is perceived by other people. Or, rather, it is OUR perception of ourselves, based on what other people see in us. If we are around people and they are continuously laughing at our jokes, we perceive ourselves to be funny. If people are continually flirting with us, we may perceive ourselves as charming or attractive. Does that make sense? Sure, I knew it did.

The problem that the (false) Inferred Self can give, is when our perception of ourselves is NOT aligned with the perception of other people. This is most commonly found in teenagers as they are struggling to chisel out an identity, and are continuously having people (parents, peers, teachers) thrust THEIR perception of what that teen is, when the teen himself (or herself) doesn't even know.

Another problem with the Inferred Self is that it can change, depending on who we are with. We may socialize with one crowd and receive a perception of who we are, and turn around and get a completely different response from a different crowd. This was actually something I faced when I was a teenager. I remember some people being very amused by my sense of humor or outrageous antics, while others simply thought I was a freak. I am proud to say that one of my biggest critics (a guy who thought I was a freak of nature) ended up being one of my best friends in high school.

Well... now that we SHOULD have some kind of an idea as to what our (false) Inferred Self is, let's see how I perceive OTHERS' perceptions of me. In this exercise, I am supposed to list traits NOT listed in yesterday's exercise, although I may need to duplicate some. The reason being is that, in yesterday's exercise, I posted "Introverted" AND "Extroverted". Obviously, I am not both. One is a perception of me. SO, in reality, I need to go back and edit yesterday's post. Let's see how we do, today...

I AM NOT THESE, THOUGH PEOPLE THINK I AM:

• EXTROVERTED (As stated, yesterday, I am really an introverted person. Much more comfortable holed up in my "Fortress of Solitude", doing my own thing.)
  
• TALKATIVE (Another misconception about me is that I am talkative. I "can" be, given the right circumstances. Otherwise, I am rather reclusive and keep to myself.
  
• INTELLECTUAL (This one is true, yet not true. I graduated high school with a cumulative GPA of 3.3 -give or take a couple points- and only took one piano class in college, before becoming misled about the possibilities of a college education. By time I had realized that my life truly COULD benefit from a college education, it was nearly impossible... what, with young children to feed and not enough money to pay tuition. Because I am somewhat "well read" and have continued to feed my mind, some people think I'm intellectual, to an extent. The truth is, I'm a good faker.)
  
• GROUCHY (Many people probably think I'm grouchy. Kids, are you there? Do you think I'm grouchy? Trust me... if they were reading this, they would concur. Oh, there I go, being a pseudo intellectual by using big words like 'concur'. Silly me.
  
• SEXY (A "few" people have said that I'm sexy. I don't see it. My eyes. Okay, I'll accept my eyes. But, other than that, I've never really been blessed with looks. In my opinion. I don't think I'm ugly, I just don't consider myself 'sexy'.
  
• INFLEXIBLE (I was recently told, by someone very close to me, that I am the most stubborn person they have ever known. Wow. That is pretty inflexible. In reality, I tend to adapt to my surroundings, whatever they are. I'm a chameleon of sorts. Sometimes, my surroundings may be out of my comfort zone, but for the most part I can bend myself to fit most situations.

There you have it, folks... you now know a little more about me. Now, to go back to yesterday's exercise and edit it so you don't think I'm crazy.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 1: IDENTIFYING MY AUTHENTIC SELF

What is my "authentic self", you ask? Well... let me attempt to explain...

In his book, RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS, Colin Tipping explains that we all have several different "selves" inside our being. No, we're not Sybil... this goes much deeper than a multiple personality disorder. Housed within our beings, we have a total of 9 selves. They are...

1. My Judging Self
2. My Inferred Self
3. My Saboteur Self
4. My Self-Loving Self
5. My Socially Modified Self
6. My Ideal Self
7. My Sexual Self
8. My Authentic Human Self
9. My "I Am" Self

I will further explain the balance of the "selves", tomorrow.... for now, let's find out about MY Authentic Human Self, shall we?

First, the definition of my "Authentic Human Self": This is the self that expresses my natural essence as a human being. It's who I am at the core of my personality...my basic character... my genetically determined disposition and way of being, both good and bad. In humans, as long as we are not seriously altered by early life experiences severe enough to cause a split into subpersonalities (did someone say "Sybil"?), we will be more or less this same person all our lives.

So... what is my Authentic Human Self? Let's look at the activity and find out the answers to this question. This activity simply asks me to describe my authentic "real" self. I need to pretend... ah, heck.... I don't need to pretend anything.... I will assume that you don't know me from Adam, and I am here to describe myself. So, the following will be a list of traits that I believe I have manifested all of my life. Let's see how fun and exciting this gets.... (note: these descriptions were taken from the book, followed by my own personal descriptions.)

• Introverted (This may come as a surprise to some, but I am more happy holed up in my personal space than doing just about anything.)
  
• Quiet (This comes from my "shy" side. If I don't know you, chances are I won't talk to you.)
  
• Happy-Go-Lucky (It would typically describe me, unless I get in one of my "moods")
  
• Team Oriented (I usually try to get along with anyone I associate with... whether in my personal life or my professional life.)
  
• Individualistic (For those of you that may have known me back in school, you would remember the "individualistic" side of me. The plaid blazer with contrasting plaid pants. The red, white and blue platform shoes. The trenchcoat. My dad sure hated that thing.)
  
• Shy (Another one that people may have a hard time believing. I can be a very shy person. Most of the time I am.... but, there are the odd times where I am the opposite.)
  
• Generous (I don't have much, but when I do, I am always willing to share. Unless we are talking about my gummy bears... and if THAT is the case, then you may get one. But just one.)
  
• Passionate (I can be very passionate about things that I love. Especially when it comes to music. I remember my wife once reading a blog post about a recent musical discovery and she said that I wrote it as if it were a woman. No wonder things didn't work for us.)
  
• Forgiving (With the exception of Christine Campbell turning me down at the church dance, when I was in 8th grade, I usually forgive anyone for any wrongdoing against me. It may take a little time, but it comes eventually. Christine, if you're out there..... grrrrrrrr.)
  
• Blunt (Whether this trait was instilled in me from a genetic point of view, or if I just learned it from my friend, Craig, I'm not sure.... but fact of the matter is I am BLUNT. If your cellulite shows through your capri pants, I'll let you know. Trust me... I got in serious trouble for that one.)
  
• Rebellious (Although not extremely jealous, I have had a tendency to do things a different way just to be different. I want to be a person to do things on my own, NOT because I have been told to.)
  
• Optimistic (This has always been one of my most positive assets in life. I am an optimist, through and through. I try and see the good in any situation. I try and see the beauty in everyone. Although the lady at the grocery store really pushed that trait to the limit. Heck... there wasn't any beauty.)
  
• Lazy (This one is funny, because I am an extremely hard worker at work. Then, when I get home.... pfffft. I don't know if it is due to the fact that I exert all my energy at work -honestly, I think that is the case... especially in the hot summer-, but when I get home it is very difficult for me to do much.)
  
• Funny (I have always made it a point to make people laugh. I love brightening people's days... and if my humor helps, then I'm happy.)
  
• Peacekeeper (Another trait that usually helps, but sometimes hinders me... I am a peacekeeper. I hate contention. I strive to bring people together. You could say I'm an emotional cupid.)

There you go, folks... tomorrow we will identify my (False) Inferred Self. That should be fun.

Consciousness Cleanse: DAY 5: THE GIFT OF.....?

I don't know what to say. I really am at an impasse. I wanted to work my way through the 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse, but found myself getting held up with the "Forgiveness" section. The reason being is that I just got "RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS", the brand new book by Colin Tipping (author of "Radical Forgiveness"), and started reading it, last night. As far as "forgiveness" is concerned, it follows the same lines as the 21-Day Cleanse, but goes MUCH deeper. The concept being that humanity tends to bury things that they may feel guilty about, creating a negative energy that bleeds into their relationships. The program in "Radical Self-Forgiveness" is set up to purge one's soul of these buried emotions, replacing those dark spaces with light... creating an energy that can actually be felt by others.

Another reason why I am struggling to move forward with the Consciousness Cleanse is that I had some emotionally traumatic events occur over the weekend. I won't go into details, but will just say that positive emotions that I have worked to establish over the past four months have been (all but) thrown out the window. I am working on getting myself back into a "happy place", while trying to focus on both programs that I have gotten myself involved in. So..... what to do, what to do?

I think I am going to wrap this up and read more of "Radical Self-Forgiveness". I will proceed tomorrow.... either sharing stories of THAT program, or conclude the "Forgiveness" portion of the 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse. So... stay tuned.

Consciousness Cleanse: DAY 4 - THE GIFT OF FORGIVENESS

Ah.... Day 4....The Gift of Forgiveness. This is something that is very near and dear to my heart. Something that hits VERY close to home. Forgiveness is something that I believe each and every one of us could utilize a little more. Some more than others. With the possible exception of a guy I work with. His nickname is "Smiley", and that sums up everything about him. I have literally never met an individual like him. He literally smiles nearly all the time and, in my years of being acquainted with him, has shown no guile whatsoever. He can receive a "letter of warning" (a form of Postal discipline) and, although a little perplexed about the situation, still walk out of the manager's office with a smile on his face. Oh, if we could all be like him.

I think that, although I consider myself a fairly forgiving person, I have a long way to go before I have the principle of forgiveness mastered. Christine Campbell, if you're out there, I STILL remember the time I asked you to dance, back when I was in 8th grade. I still vividly remember you saying to me, "I'd rather not." Was it because I was a zit riddled kid? Was it because you were in 9th grade and wouldn't be seen with an 8th grader? Did I smell? WHAT WAS IT?!?!? *pfft* As you can see, I have some things I still need to work out.

If I can, I'd like to the words of Debbie Ford, in her book "The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse". In her book, Ms. Ford describes how we can only achieve the person we want to become, when we can shed the chains of our past that keep us prisoner from our true potential. She states: "You must give up all your old ways of thinking, being, acting and behaving in order to form new patterns of life based on who you know you can be rather than who you've been in your past. And you cannot do this until you release your ties to those who have harmed you, left you, deceived you, or hurt you in any way."

For those of you who know me, you are probably aware that I have recently separated from my wife of 21 years. I do not blame her for the dissolution of our marriage, but know that her upbringing created a deep seeded inability to truly forgive. It wasn't her fault. It was an already existing cycle of negativity that made it difficult for her to let go of things that I did. I take full responsibility for doing the things that led to the unbreakable cycle of hurt that eventually led to the demise of our relationship. At the same time, I know that if BOTH of us had had the ability to truly forgive each other, as well as everyone else that had caused us emotional harm, we probably would have survived as a couple. As a matter of fact, I have no doubt about that. Again, I don't lay the blame at her feet.... ultimately, I take that burden upon myself.

Again, let me revisit the words of Debbie Brown.

"Without forgiving all those you have harbored bad feelings toward, you continue to be imprisoned by your past. If you do not cut the cords of resentment, you will be held captive by the very people you are trying to get away from."

Wow.... how true is that?

"Without activating this most powerful agent of change, you will continually have hooks binding you to the incidents that caused the resentment in the first place. Because the outer world is a reflection of your inner world, these hooks throw out energy and will ensure that you re-create, in other situations, the same bad feelings you are holding on to inside yourself."

This is SO true. I know... it's something I have lived through. It breaks my heart to see those that I care about end up in and endless cycle of hurt and pain because they don't know how to forgive those that have hurt them. As a Christian, I am often humbled by the teachings and admonition of Christ, when he commanded us to forgive those that have hurt us... not just once, but "seventy times seven". It breaks my heart when I see so many people, who profess to be Christians, refusing to forgive those that may have caused them pain and suffering.

This reminds me of another story. I used to work with a girl that seemed to be enveloped in negative energy. Apart from her small circle of friends, she seemed to openly loath everyone around her. I didn't take it personally, and tried to just recognize it as her personality. Then, during the course of our working relationship, I found out that she worked at a local catalog company's warehouse. This company was mentioned in a conversation on a local radio program, referring to rumors that a box with over a thousand Brown Recluse spiders had been shipped to the company from Africa, releasing the army of extremely dangerous spiders into the warehouse. Because this species of spider is rare to the area, the radio hosts had speculated that it wasn't true. They attempted to contact the company and were intentionally blown off. If my effort to help resolve the situation, I asked the girl I worked with, if the story were true. She said that it was, if fact, true, so I proceeded to call the radio show and let them know that "my co-worker from the (name withheld) Post Office" had confirmed the story. Without any names being used, her company put two and two together and realized that this girl had indirectly gotten the story on the radio, which they had been fighting tirelessly to prevent from happening. I had no idea that the company was trying to keep a lid on it, and my sharing the story was an innocent gesture to try and put to rest a debate that had actually surfaced on two subsequent days. In the end, this girl lost her job with this company. She was livid and lashed out at me. I profusely apologized, and told her that I would contact the company and let them know that it wasn't her fault, that it had actually been my fault. In the end, she got her job back with the company. I didn't even need to contact them. One would think that the drama would have ended at that point right? Right? Wrong. To this day, I believe that she still harbors a grudge against me, even though she never did permanently lose her job. It was an innocent thing. If I had ever known that it would have put her job on the line, I would have never contacted the radio station.

For months, I dreaded going to work. I hated to face her, knowing how much she disliked me. It was very difficult for me. At one point, I had even considered bidding out of the office, just so I could get away from her negativity and anger. Knowing that one can never run away from problems, I eventually decided to stay. But, also knowing that I needed to be happy, I simply resolved to let it all go. To NOT worry about it. All I could do was tell myself that I was not going to let my life be affected by HER inability to forgive.

This is the practice that we all need to take on... as difficult as it may be. We need to list all those that have hurt us, and do everything in our power to forgive them. Life is too short to fill it with hate and anger. I have a very passionate belief in this, and I hope that if YOU are harboring these types of feelings, to anyone in your lives, that you will be able to let them go.

In his book, "A NEW EARTH", spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, talks about this. He likens our human nature to hold grudges to that of the duck. We have heard the statement that we need to shed anger like water from a duck. Eckhart takes it one step further. He refers to the behavior of ducks when they find themselves in conflict with other water fowl. Two ducks will engage each other, proceed with what we would consider a fight, then immediately after the conflict has seemingly finished, they will erupt into a frenzy of flapping wings. Then, after they seem to have completely shed the energy that has engulfed them, they drift away (assuming they are in the water) as if nothing happened. They seem to have the ability to shed the chains of resentment and contentment in a matter of seconds, and continue on with their lives as if nothing has happened. That is what WE, as human beings, need to do. When we bury that hate and resentment deep inside ourselves, we not only affect our lives for (literally) years to come, but the lives of everyone around us.

So... what are the "cleansing rituals" that I need to engage in? Well, tune in later today for that answer. I've been "yakkin'" on long enough. In the meantime, I hope that you, the reader, can take an inventory of YOUR lives. Think of those that have hurt you, and do what you need to break those chains that have held you back from reaching your greatest potential. By doing that, not only will your lives become more fulfilling, but so will the lives of those around you.