Words to Live By.... No Matter Who You are!

CHRISTIANITY: All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye so to them; for this is the law and the prophets. (Matthew 7:12)

CONFUCIANISM: Do not do to others what you would not like yourself. Then there will be no resentment against you, either in the family or in the state. (Analects 12:2)

BUDDHISM: Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. (Udana-Varga 5,18)

HINDUISM: This is the sum of duty; do naught onto others what you would not have them do unto you. (Mahabharata 5,15,17)

ISLAM: No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself. (40 Hadith of an-Nawawi 13)

JUDAISM: What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellowman. This is the entire Law; all the rest is commentary. (Talmud, Shabbat 3id)

TAOISM: Regard your neighbor's gain as your gain, and your neighbor's loss as your own loss. (Tai Shang Kan Yin P'ien)

WICCAN: Whatever you send out, to you comes back times three. (The Three-fold Law)

Simply put........ 'nuff said.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 13: THIS IS WHO I AM

This exercise is simple....... in theory. It may not be so easy as I put pen to paper... or fingers to keyboard... but I will do my best. In this exercise, I have been instructed to write a journal entry and write a description of who I am today, listing both my positive and negative attributes. This is going to be interesting...

This is who I am...

Who, exactly is Michael Sean Dahl? In this journey of mortality, who is he compared to the person he was 20 years ago? 10 years ago? A year ago? Let's find out, shall we?

If you have been reading my exercises up to this point, you will know that I am a recently separated father of three girls. I'm LDS (you know... the Mormons). I'm a mostly "left" leaning individual. I'm a drummer (not literally) that walks to the beat of my own drum.

These descriptions may describe me in a few simple words, but they don't really describe the person that I am. In fact, I don't even know if I have truly decided who I am. This past 5 months (the amount of time that has passed since I separated from my wife of 21 years) has been a journey of self-discovery. It has been a time for me to venture out (nearly) on my own and ponder exactly who I am. The reality of my situation is that I am still struggling through that process.

I was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (The Mormons) and have been an active member my entire life. There have been periods where my "activity" may have been a little sub-par, but I have always maintained fairly regular attendance to my meetings. As I reflect back over my life, I have often times been a person that has been in tune with my spiritual and religious upbringing, and other times "not-so-much". I have observed those around me and seen people of all varieties. There are those that were, as we often say, "born into the Church", that always seem to maintain a strong faith in what they believe, and go throughout their lives rarely, if ever, deviating from those things that they were raised to believe. I have witnessed people that, although raised in the LDS Church, just seemed to cruise by, never completely falling away, but never completely immersing themselves in what they believe. I have seen many that, upon reaching adulthood, completely went the opposite direction, taking years and years of what they may have perceived to be some sort of personal "oppression" and completely rebelling from those beliefs, where they set out to consciously (and often subconsciously) do everything in complete opposition of the LDS belief structure. More often than not, I have witnessed people like myself. People that go to church on a near weekly basis, people that cling to their religious beliefs, but people that struggle with their own "demons" in life.

I think that, with the twists and turns that my life has taken over the past several months, I have spent more time seriously reflecting over what I actually believe. I can honestly say that in all these hours of reflection, I still have a very similar belief structure than I did, say...a year ago. Or even 10 years ago. One thing that has changed is how I look at my spiritual belief system. What this means is that where, perhaps many years ago, I used to just "go with the flow", attending meetings, doing things that I have been taught, all without thinking twice about them, NOW I will consciously ponder things. In many cases, I need to dissect things and seek some serious answers to...well... "life, the universe and everything".

To sum up the person that I am now, a big portion of it IS tied to my spiritual life. Religion aside, I have spent the last several years researching different philosophical ideas from other religions (Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism) as well as those ideas from today's contemporary "spiritual teachers", like Eckhart Tolle. With these spiritual teachers, religion is not the central theme (although many of these teachers will quote from teachings of Christ, the Buddha, as well as other key religious figures throughout the ages), but personal betterment and exercises to make the Spirit more in tune with it's purpose in this world. Between my religious upbringing and the spiritual ideas that I have encountered, I have actually forged a more solid idea of who I am as a spiritual being. In essence, it has actually helped me to more fully understand (for myself) all the things that I have been taught over the years.

Really, in respect to my spiritual and religious self, I think the only thing I can surmise is that I do have a definite spiritual belief structure. At the same time, I have also surmised that I don't think I (or anyone else for that matter) will fully understand all there is to know, until I have moved on from this life. The other thing that I have surmised is that I believe that God is an all wise, all knowing and all LOVING being. That He loves each of us individually, regardless of what race, religion, creed or personal background we hail from. I know that in MY life, I have made many mistakes. TOO many mistakes. But, at the same time, I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today without having made many of those mistakes.

Who am I? I'm a spiritual person. I'm a person that is continually falling down, but hopefully pulling myself back up, dusting myself off, and doing my best to avoid tripping in the same spot. I'm a fun-loving person. I love to laugh. I love to be moved emotionally. I love to bask in the positive energy of those that have positive energy to share. I try to love everyone, unconditionally. It's hard... and I often fail... but I try. I am passionate about art, in it's many forms. I love music. I love cinema. I love literature. I love the beauty of the world. I love when it is captured in photographic or painted form. I love being with my friends. I love life. Most of the time.

Who am I? I'm me. I'm like no other. Nor would I want to be.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 12: MAKING THE NEGATIVES POSITIVE

Up to this point, most of the exercises have been an open reflection of the things in my life that I have felt, or do feel, guilty about. Many of the exercises have had a negative feel about them, but it was a necessary thing to do in order to achieve a "self-forgiveness". In this exercises, I will be taking some of the negative things that I have felt guilt or shame about, and turning them into positive things.

Before I proceed, let me remind you of the five steps to transforming negative beliefs, which were previously described in Exercise 10 (Shame). They are:

1. Discover
2. Recognize
3. Evaluate
4. Neutralize
5. Transform

I have spent the two previous exercises going through the first three steps. With this step, it's time to NEUTRALIZE. How we neutralize the negative beliefs is to make them a positive thing. The first thing we need to do with these negative beliefs is to stop giving them energy. One way to successfully accomplish this is to turn these negative things around so that you are able to recognize what you were previously criticized for in a more positive light. For example, if you were criticized for being undisciplined, perhaps it could be seen as evidence of your creative mind and your ability to think laterally and outside the box. By taking this new approach, you diffuse the charge of the original criticism and thereby neutralize the shame-based belief. (Previous example and text taken from, or paraphrased from, RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS by Colin Tipping.

It is also important to remember that recasting these negative qualities or beliefs into a positive attribute is NOT the same thing as making an "affirmation". Many of us may recall the great Saturday Night Live character portrayed by (now Minnesota Senator) Al Franken, Stuart Smalley. The character, Stuart Smalley, was well known for being a sheepish, somewhat insecure character who would continually look into the mirror and speak daily affirmations, trying to convince himself of his positive values and attributes. With positive affirmations, the belief is that if you tell yourself positive messages enough, you will eventually believe them to be true. It never happens that way.

According to Colin Tipping, affirmations are very weak because they reside in your conscious mind and are, in effect, just another form of denial. The negative belief that you are trying to eliminate with your affirmation is fully alive in the subconscious mind and is many times more powerful than your affirmation, and it never gives way easily. When the chips are down and the belief gets activated, it will simply brush the affirmation aside.

So, the only surefire way to turn these negatives around, is to cast them into a positive light.

I will list some of my personal examples mentioned in the previous exercises and, this time around, cast them in a positive light.

As I mentioned in Exercise 9 (Guilt), probably my greatest negative belief (and associated guilt) is that of abandonment.... leaving my wife after twenty years of marriage. I know for a fact that I have been harshly judged by people that knew us, because they simply look at me as a guy who walked away from his family. I try not to take these criticisms too personally, as nobody really understands the situation except for those that walk in MY shoes, or the shoes of my estranged wife. For me, I have experienced a plethora of emotions over the past five months, ranging from relief to sadness to extreme guilt to happiness to peace to loneliness to anger. It has been a difficult several months, and I know that there are many more difficult months ahead, especially as I move closer to the finalization of divorce.

One thing that has acted as a comforting thought to me and, in reality, one of the major catalysts for my leaving Tiffany, is the fact that I honestly feel that Tiffany will eventually become a stronger, happier, more independent person. A person that she couldn't become as long as she was living under my shadow. I honestly see her blooming into an incredibly confident person, something that she has struggled to become all of her life. So, I feel that it was necessary to walk out on my marriage because I honestly feel that it is the only way Tiffany will reach her greatest potential, and happiness in life.

Another negative that may be attached to me is that of being "less spiritual" than other people of my religious background. In my church, there are many disciplined values that we strive to live by, and I sometimes fall short. My honest belief is that most people in my church fall short, but some try and hide it by putting on an air of self righteousness. My positive spin on my personal "falling short" is that I feel that I am a person who is exercising the "free agency" (that I believe to be the most important facet of this mortal life) by exploring things of a spiritual nature outside of the sometimes closed off belief system practiced by so many of my religious background. I don't think of myself as an evil person and I most certainly don't think of myself as a wicked person. I think of myself as a mortal person who has my own set of trials that I need to deal with, hopefully overcoming them in a way that will make me a stronger person. In my exploration of other spiritual belief systems, I have taken the positive messages that I have learned and incorporate them into my Mormon beliefs, creating a more solidified belief in the teachings and example of Christ, who is the "Author and Finisher of my Faith". By doing so, I feel that I have gained a greater acceptance and understanding of all my human brothers and sisters... much more than I would have garnered from simply ingesting all the things that were, for lack of a better description, "shoved down my throat" by some of the more conservative thinking members of my church.

As I reflect over my life, I don't think there are too many things that have cast a negative light on the person that I have become. If there were two biggies, it would be the ones mentioned. I know that they are the two that could really have a negative impact on who I am IF I didn't attach the positive beliefs to them. As a result of making these negatives a positive thing, I feel that I am not only a good enough person, but that I honestly am trying to make a positive difference in others' lives as well. I hope this turns out to be the case.

It is my hope that IF you have negatives in your life that have taken a toll on you reaching your greatest potential, that you will be able to find positive aspects to those things that some may view as a negative trait. It will do wonders for your progression in life, not to mention your overall happiness.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 11: TRUE/FALSE NEGATIVE CORE BELIEFS

In Exercise 10, I identified my "shame-based core negative beliefs". In this exercise, I need to go through two steps which will conclude with me recognizing and rating my "True/False Core Negative Beliefs". First, let me explain a few things to get us to that point.

To begin, we must recognize where we get most of our "core negative beliefs". In most cases, we get these beliefs from our parents. Parents, bless their hearts, are broken people, too. They, like us, stumble through this life making mistakes, (hopefully) learning from those mistakes, and eventually becoming better people. Parenthood is a most difficult thing, as we are thrust into it with little to no preparation. The only preparation we have is our own life experiences and, if we are lucky, the occasional class to help prepare us for parenthood. However, even in those cases, being a parent to a doll, egg or bag of flour is hardly the preparation that we really need.

There are many ways that we cultivate core negative beliefs from our parents. Parents inevitably rear their children with the same set of values and morals, codes of behavior, skills, attitudes, prejudices, dreams, thought habits, and so on to their children. Reflecting on my own childhood, I can say that I was born into a warm, loving home. I grew up with two parents who, although having the occasional disagreement, loved each other. They were, and still are, a very religious, faith promoting couple. They instilled in me a core set of beliefs and morals that helped create the man I am today. However, because of my inherent weaknesses (some of which I described in Exercise 9), it also assisted in creating "core negative beliefs". I felt like I was a bad person. I felt like I was a filthy person. I felt like I was nowhere near the person that they wanted me to be. Keep in mind that these thoughts were of my own volition and (for the most part) NOT thrust upon me by my parents. To me, it has always been amusing when I talk candidly with my parents and they share stories about their own lives that simply reiterate the fact that we ALL have our own problems to deal with.

An example of some of these core beliefs that we may have learned from our parents... or rather, had described to us by our parents, would be things like being told we are untidy, lazy, lacking ambition, unintelligent, antisocial, uncaring, etc.
In reality, we may have been told these things in a moment of weakness for our parents, when they simply commented out of frustration. I know that in my life as a parent, I have been guilty of that too many times to count. Over the past few months, especially recently, I have mentally played over the past 20 years of my life,... over... and over... and over. I have asked myself what I did right... and what I did wrong. I look at the relationship that I have with my three daughters. I need to continually remind myself that I did the best I could, and that my daughters, like myself, are broken people, struggling to make sense of their own lives. If anyone is to ever try and convince you that the people your children become is based entirely on how they are raised, I say RUBBISH! My wife and I raised our three daughters in the same house, with nearly identical standards, and they have all turned out to be completely different from one another. The core of what we are is based on how we were made. Our genetic structure. So many different variables go into the formation of a baby, and each of us, even though coming from (in most cases) the same gene pool, are very different human beings.

The second step in this exercise, and the thing we need to remember, is that we must EVALUATE our negative core beliefs and remind ourselves that these are not inherently bad things. People may look at our behaviors as being bad, but it is THEIR problem, NOT ours. The problem is in their judging. Nobody lives a life free of criticism. If we spend our lives worrying about the criticism that comes from other people (trust me, this is one of my greatest weaknesses), we will forever be stuck in a rut of self-pity. We won't be able to break the shackles of negativity that keep us bound.

In evaluating my negative core beliefs, I need to go back to the list of qualities that I considered to be my "Authentic Self" (Exercise 1) and separate those things that are actually ME, and those things that were thrust upon me, whether by my parents, teachers, church leaders, etc. Some of our "negative core beliefs" are simply who we are. Now, when I say this, I am by no means saying that we should just sit back and continue doing the negative things that we do, but we should by no means (mentally and emotionally) beat ourselves up over them.

In this exercise, I am going to list some of the negative core beliefs that I mentioned in Exercise 10, and list some of them that I feel were cast upon me by others, whether by my parents, teachers, bosses or church leaders. After doing so, I will ask myself this question: which of these would I lay claim to as being either true or at least partially true as an honest description of how I am NOW? I will give them a rating on a scale of 1-100 of how much truth it holds, where 100 = 100% true.

• I have to be perfect to be loved. (20) I honestly don't think that I need to be perfect to be loved, although I did spend a great amount of my life thinking that, at least with my father, his demeanor towards me was greatly affected by the way I acted. The sad reality of this, is that I have become the same father. I love my girls, but I know my behavior towards them is greatly determined by how they are living their lives. It's not intentional, but it happens. Just another thing that I need to work on...
  

• I have to struggle/work hard for everything. (60) I have always lived in a middle class home where we didn't have much excess money. My parents made sure that we had wonderful memories from camping trips, vacations, etc., but we never had the latest fashionable clothes or the finest things like some of the other kids did. My parents, bless their hearts, did their best. I have come to learn that my success in life depends on my work ethic. My first job out of high school was for a very strict, anal retentive boss. He expected perfection and IF we didn't meet his expectations, we heard about it. I have always taken that work ethic into account, and know that I will never be handed my success. If success is even the word to describe my middle-class, blue collar life.
  
• I never quite measure up. (80) This outlook on my life is all too real. I think it has to do, for the most part, with my religious upbringing. That and the very conservative nature of my father. I have often felt like I am not nearly the person that my siblings are, although I know we have all had our trials in life. I think the heaviest moment I have ever encountered, in regards to this subject, was at my uncle's funeral a month ago. The entire meeting was filled with kind words about a successful, incredibly spiritual man, by his children, who have all grown up to be like individuals. Gazing at the extended family around me, I felt so.... so.... imperfect. My marriage is in shambles, thanks in part to me.... at least one of my children stands at the precipice of having an extremely "difficult" life, of which I also take partial blame....each day I am reminded of how I fall short to the greatness of my ancestry... and I hardly feel like I'm measuring up to anything great.
  
• I can never do it right. (60) I struggled some with this, throughout my life. I remember as a child that I was often referred to as "heavy handed", as I would often break things that were fragile, or damage my parents' belongings in some way. I felt like I did okay in school, receiving accolades from teachers (certificate awards, etc.), but was never 100% confident in my abilities to do achieve greatness. When it came to sports at school, I had NO confidence in my abilities. I did not grow up playing any kind of sports, and knew that had nowhere near the abilities of the other boys.
• I'm always left out of everything. (30) My parents never excluded me from anything, but as stated in the previous statement, when it came to any kind of athletic events at school, or with my friends, I always felt excluded. In the grand scheme of things, I would say that it only affected 30% of my life.
  
• Something must be wrong with me. (20) Where my own psyche was extremely brutal in this regard (see Exercise 9: Guilt), I have rarely been made to feel like I had something wrong with me. Yes, I occasionally felt like I was a disappointing child (although this was just my interpretation). The 20% would stem from the occasional body language that I, to this day, get from my father. I can't blame him, as I manifest
  
• I am spiritually flawed. (30) This is yet another area where I, myself, was my worst enemy. I was the one that put the "spiritually flawed" levels to nearly 100. However, as far as my parents and church leaders are concerned, I didn't get too much of it. Yes, there was some.... especially in regards to "the factory". And, unfortunately, that was a very crucial 30% in regards to how I felt about myself, as an adolescent.

To sum up my life, there have been some things that I absorbed from my parents and leaders that had a negative impact on my life... or, at the very least, my mental interpretation of my life. My parents were, and are, wonderful people. My dad is still not the kind of person that exudes much in the way of joy and pride, when it comes to my achievements in life. As for employment, I work for the Postal Service.... this pretty much means that there will be little to no recognition for any good work that I do, but I will surely hear about the bad. I don't let that affect me too much, however. In regards to my spirituality, I know that I have a lot of exploring to do. I maintain a belief in my basic religious/spiritual structure, although I often question the way those in my religion may cast judgment on others, when Christ, himself, has told us not to judge. I know that I need to cast off the chains of shame and guilt that I have often dragged around, like Jacob Marley in Dickens' A CHRISTMAS CAROL. Many of these things are the basis on which I am going through this process. I have done so many things in my life of which I am not proud. Things that I may always regret. I need to do everything in my power to utilize these steps, to let them go, and then turn my life around to the point where I become the kind, loving father that my children need. I need to be the friend to my (soon-to-be) ex-wife that she needs me to be. I need to show loving kindness to everyone around me. I need to continue to grow spiritually, following the example of Christ in each and every step. It's a lot to do... but, utilizing "baby steps", it's something I can achieve.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 10: SHAME

This next exercise is regarding shame.... shame being guilt's little brother. To further illustrate the close relationship between guilt and shame, I will quote from the book "Radical Self-Forgiveness", by Colin Tipping.

To be shamed is to be made to feel worthless, bad, undeserving, less than, and simply no good. The result of being consistently and severely shamed is a feeling of considerable self-loathing.

The saboteur self is also always looking for opportunities to create problems for us by defending some of our shame-based, core negative beliefs about ourselves, such as, "I am worthless," "I am bad," "I am no good", and so on.

In his book, Mr. Tipping also shares the five steps in the process of transforming your core negative beliefs. These are:

1. Discover
2. Recognize
3. Evaluate
4. Neutralize
5. Transform

This exercise will deal with me discovering my core negative beliefs. Most people are aware of their core negative beliefs. One of the worst things we can do is play these core beliefs over and over in our minds, convincing ourselves that we are actually what we "think" we are.

For beliefs that are more deeply buried in the subconscious mind, we might have to do some real detective work to uncover them completely. One way to uncover what we subconsciously feel about ourselves is to observe what is actually showing up in our lives. Life will always mirror your beliefs for you, no matter what they are. Here are a couple of examples:

Observation: I don't have much of anything in my life.
Likely belief: I am not deserving of nor worthy of it.

Observation: I always seem to screw things up.
Likely belief: I can never do it right.

Also, through the Law of Attraction, you will attract people into your life who will treat you exactly in accordance with these beliefs. This helps even more in discovering what they are. For example:

Observation: People seem not to notice me.
Likely Belief: I am invisible.

Observation: People are always trying to change me.
Likely Belief: I am not okay the way I am.

Observation: My relationships never last long.
Likely Belief: I am unlovable.

The exercise which I am going to do, is take from a list included in the book, RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS, and list things that I feel may be Core Negative Beliefs that are buried within me. The things that I list may seem a little negative... well... they are ALL negative (after all, they ARE Core Negative Beliefs) and will seem a little sad, but like so many people in this world, I do have beliefs that I struggle with.

I was raised in a good home, by good parents, but always seemed to struggle with self-esteem issues...at least during the early part of my life. I was always the last kid to get picked for sports teams, when I was in Jr. High. I had no desire to play any kind of sports, because I felt that I would be a failure at whatever I did. I always felt like I wasn't one of the cool kids, and struggled to settle into an attitude that I was never going to be as cool as some of the other kids. Also, as stated in my last post (Guilt), I struggled with feelings of filthiness, because of habits that I had as an adolescent. Even today, I struggle with minor insecurities that probably stem from Core Negative Beliefs. Allow me to list a few:

• I have to be perfect to be loved.
• I have to struggle/work hard for everything.
• I never quite measure up.
• Others are more important than me.
• I can never do it right.
• I don't deserve love.
• I'm always left out of everything.
• I'll never be good enough.
• Something must be wrong with me.
• I'll never be a success.
• It's not safe to be me.
• I am spiritually flawed.

I need to point out that several of the items on the list are things that have plagued me during the earlier parts of my life, and that several of the things listed are things that haunt me today. Although most people don't openly talk about negative feelings that they may have for themselves, it is my belief that most of us struggle with similar things. This life is a proving ground to try and overcome things that my "hold us back".

I have made many mistakes in my life. I will continue to make more. I have struggled with feelings of little self-worth, and I may even occasionally battle similar thoughts. When I wake up in the morning, I want to be a better, stronger, more loving person than I was the day before. If I can make it a goal to shed my Core Negative Beliefs and embrace the good qualities that I know I have, I can attain that goal. It's my hope that we can all do likewise.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 9: GUILT

Guilt is something that we, as healthy human beings, should have. If we didn't experience guilt, we would be as handicapped as one who didn't feel fear. If we didn't ever feel a sense of fear, we would continually put our lives in danger by doing things that normal people would deem crazy. If we didn't experience guilt, we would be capable of committing any number of atrocities that would not only hurt other people, but ourselves as well.

However, where guilt is a normal, healthy emotion, there are also forms of guilt that are unhealthy. I will take a few minutes to discuss the different types of guilt that we may experience in our lives...

First, let me discuss "anticipatory guilt". As the name would indicate, this is a guilt that would hopefully prevent you from doing something that would cause you to feel remorse down the road. A good analogy is that of cheating on one's spouse or partner. Although we may feel "tempted" to stray because of a physical or emotional attraction that we are feeling for another person, in most cases, our conscience tells us that this is wrong. Even if one isn't religious (in most religions, such an act would be clearly deemed as immoral), our moral code in society would indicate to us that proceeding with this act might be damaging. With our conscience enabling us with "anticipatory guilt", and depending on the amount of guilt that we might feel, we either proceed with the act or we don't. For many, the guilt would simply be too much to bear.

"Retrospective guilt" is that guilt that we feel after we have done something "wrong". There is no recovering from it - the deed is done. This would be the typical guilt that one feels after wronging another person, stealing something, breaking a law, or breaking a "moral" code that may be attached to one's religious beliefs.

Retrospective guilt can be broken into two different types of guilt... Appropriate Retrospective Guilt and Inappropriate Retrospective Guilt. An example of APPROPRIATE retrospective guilt would be when have intentionally done something to hurt somebody else. We may have intentionally broken an agreement. Or, in a more tragic scenario, we may have gotten drunk, decided it was okay to drive, and then proceeded to hit and kill someone in a motor vehicle accident.

An example of INAPPROPRIATE retrospective guilt would be when a cyclist swerves directly in front of our vehicle without any warning, and we strike and kill him because there was no way to avoid hitting him. It would be totally reasonable to feel sad and regret, of course... but NOT guilty.

Another form of inappropriate guilt is what is commonly referred to as "survivor's guilt". An example of this might be when a soldier fighting in a battle is the only one to survive when all of the other soldiers in his unit die. He might ask, "Why me? Why did I live?" He may feel a sense of guilt that everyone else died and he didn't.

Another inappropriate guilt is "guilt by association". A common form of this is when a young person continually finds himself in trouble and the parent of the young person feels a sense of guilt and shame for the child's behavior. This is a codependent behavior and one that we, as parents, should stay away from.

So, now that we have discussed some of the varying forms of guilt, let's move on to Exercise #8.

EXERCISE #8: How entitled am I to my guilt?

In this exercise, I am going to list several things from my past that I feel guilty about. After recognizing those things that cause me to feel a sense of guilt, I will rate it on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being incredible guilt, 1 being a minimal amount of guilt. After I have rated the guilt, I will then try and determine what percentage of my guilt is "appropriate" and what percentage is "inappropriate".

Be forewarned that this may possibly be uncomfortable for you, the reader. Rest assured that it is going to be far more uncomfortable for me, the writer. I am going to open up about some things that may be considered a little sensitive in nature. If this disturbs you, feel free to go find a blog that deals with scrapbooking or recipes.

And so, we begin...

GUILT #1: TAMPERING WITH THE FACTORY

Okay, let me be honest... this guilt was an immense guilt when I was younger, but now... well... not so much.

I'm assuming that some of you are probably wondering what I'm talking about... "tampering with the factory". Let me explain. I grew up LDS (Mormon). When I was younger, we would occasionally be shown a film strip that talked about the "moral" guidelines with which we were to follow. Our bodies were likened to a factory that produced a life creating substance. Our factories would create their product and release any excess product on it's own accord. We were not to tamper with the factory, for if we did, the factory would speed up production, and we would complicate it's normal output. Not to mention, we'd go blind and/or get hairy palms. Okay... I added that last sentence, but everything else was in the film strip.

Let me say that I began tampering with my factory long before I even knew what I was doing. My factory wasn't even producing anything at that point. My factory must have been unionized and the workers were really lazy, or it didn't actually have a physical product. I had no clue what I was doing, all I knew was that when I did something, it felt really, really good.

Fast forward another year or two, when I finally learn about the factory... and learn that my tampering is not an approved activity within the moral guidelines of my church. We've all heard of "Catholic guilt"... well... in my honest opinion, I don't think it holds a candle to Mormon guilt. For years and years I tried to stop my tampering. I couldn't. For years and years I beat myself up, mentally. I felt like I was broken. Like I was a sick pervert that was a freak of nature. It honestly wasn't until I was an adult and had the topic come up in conversation, that I actually found out that most of my peers had been doing it. Whether or not they were beating themselves up like I had, I do not know, but what I DO know is that I spent the better part of ten years having a guilt inside of me that would probably have ranked at least an 8 or 9, out of a possible 10.

How much of that guilt was "appropriate"? Well... from a religious standpoint, probably 100%. From a sociological standpoint? Probably 0%. It all depends on your moral compass... and what criteria impacts your moral compass. For me, it was my religion.

The reason why I even brought up this personal problem of my childhood is to illustrate how crippling guilt can be. I literally spent a big chunk of my adolescence... between the ages of 11 or 12 to (literally) about the time I got married, feeling like I was "dirty" and "broken" and "evil". It wasn't healthy for me. It truly impacted my happiness as a young person. I don't think that people deserve to carry around that kind of guilt... especially at the expense of their self esteem. That being said, let me move on to my next guilt...

Guilt #2: UNPAID DEBT

The next sources of guilt are closely related, both involving unpaid debt. The first was when we were experiencing some extreme financial hardship and borrowed $300.00 from our teenage babysitter. She had the money saved and offered to lend it to us. We took her up on the offer, with the total intention of paying her back. As the weeks turned to months, we never did have the excess money to pay her back. We eventually moved and had received word that her mother was livid with us for taking advantage of her daughter, and understandably so. To this day, it haunts me. I need to track her down and repay her the money that I owe her... if not to clear my conscience, then at least to do the proper thing.

The second money related guilt was when a friend of mine asked for my assistance in selling a box full of compact discs that he had been given. I did as he asked and ended up receiving a total of $200.00 and failed to give him the $100 that I owed him. At the time, my friend was (and still is) a very successful business man, and we were struggling financially. I intended to get him the money, but needed it for our own needs, at the time. As would often happen in my life, intentions to pay are often brushed under the carpet, as we never seem to have had the excess money to repay the debt. He ended up moving out of the neighborhood, and I have yet to repay him. Again, it is something that I intend to do.

Guilt #3:ABANDONMENT

My greatest guilt in life comes from the events leading up to and culminating in the events of October 25, 2010. At approximately 8:00 PM on the evening of Monday, October 25, 2010, I walked out on my marriage of nearly 21 years. This was not a sudden impulse, but something that had years in the making. In my opinion, it was probably 21 years in the making. First, let me express my feelings that Tiffany, my estranged wife (I hate saying that, but it is the most accurate description), is a wonderful person. She is a funny, sweet person that unfortunately is plagued by demons from her childhood. She has suffered from insecurity most of her life, which laid the foundation for the hurt that was to come. I don't blame her, but the environment from which she came.

In 1996, six years into our marriage, I had become "comfortably numb" with our relationship. It was the early days of the internet, and after being reminded several times that our daughters were Tiffany's main source of happiness, I found myself becoming emotionally attached to other people on the internet. It was a new world, and the excitement and happy emotions that could be found there were like an emotional rebirth for me. In the end, not only did I hurt those that I had become close to, but I had betrayed Tiffany and caused her great pain.

Let me pause to discuss the "guilt factor" that I felt because of my betrayal to Tiffany. In hindsight, I don't remember feeling a terrible amount of guilt. Yes, I did feel guilt that I had hurt Tiffany, but at the same time I must have justified things by thinking that I was driven to those emotional connections. What guilt I had would definitely be considered "appropriate" guilt. I deserved to feel guilty, considering what I did.

Now, let me get back to the story. Tiffany and I tried to work through the hurt and tried to mend our marriage through counseling and focusing on our marriage. It worked... most of the time. On occasion, the insecurities would rear it's ugly head. In addition to the insecurity, because of the hurt that I caused Tiffany, she had built a protective emotional wall to keep her from getting hurt again. Because of this emotional wall, she and I were never able to share the emotional bond that married couples need. There were the occasional times that she would lower her defenses and I would feel a love between us, but more often than not the wall was in place, protecting her from the potential of more emotional abuse. Because of the emotional barrier that stood between us, it opened the door for further emotional betrayal. Over the course of the last 14 years, I would often find myself bonding with other people. It was a Catch 22.... I hurt Tiffany, she builds a barrier to protect herself, which just set her up to be hurt again.

During the last year of our marriage, I had begun to reflect on the state of our marriage. I began to sense the enormity of that barrier that stood between us. I felt like there was no way that we would ever have a happy, healthy relationship as long as she and I couldn't bond with one another. I also felt that our personalities were harmful to each other, mainly because of the insecurities that plagued Tiffany. Again, I reiterate... I do NOT blame Tiffany for any of this. Bless her heart, she has been seeking therapy to overcome the damage that had been caused at such a young age.

Another bad side effect of the insecurities was that I was not able to truly act myself. Because of my extremely outgoing personality, I often felt like it would only fuel Tiffany's insecurities. I honestly feel that now that Tiffany is on her own, she will be able to reach her greatest potential as a human being and child of God. It is my religious belief and personal philosophy that we are on this earth to be tested and to grow and progress from the trials that each of us face. I honestly feel that I hindered Tiffany's ability to truly grow to her greatest potential. In the end, I want to be the best of friends with her. I want to help her overcome her insecurities and not feed them. I care for her very deeply, but honestly feel like she has the potential to become a much happier person without me.

At this point, I would also like to interject my feelings about "guilt" vs. "remorse". For the past four months I have been feeling extreme amounts of guilt about leaving Tiffany. This guilt is fueled by the often judgmental comments of former friends and people from my former church congregation. I always find it ironic that some of the people who proclaim to be Christian are also the first to judge. So much for the Lord's commandment to judge not, lest we be judged. I often hear the term "abandonment" floating around amongst the critics, which fuel my feelings of guilt. I can vividly see the expression on Tiffany's face, the night I left. The look of shock, turned to anger, turned to sadness. To this day, when I get in certain moods, my eyes will fill with tears as I replay the heartbreaking events of that night. I knew, however, that after 14 years (from the time of my initial emotional betrayal), we were not close to overcoming that barrier that was built between us.

Should I feel guilt? Perhaps. In hindsight, I believe that a guilt felt from not being a 100% devoted husband is "appropriate". Do I think that it would be healthy for me to hold on to that guilt? No. Here is where I think "remorse" may be a healthier emotion to deal with. Remorse is a natural emotion to feel when we have hurt someone. The thing with remorse, is that time will hopefully heal those wounds. I know that in time Tiffany will learn to love herself the way she should. I hope that someday soon she will be able to look in the mirror and see the special person that I saw so many times. I hope that she will be able to set the wheels in motion to achieve her personal goals, such as going to school, becoming an independent, successful person and eventually finding a person that she can truly open her heart to... one that won't hurt her, in return.

As for me, I will continue to feel guilt. It's nothing I can run away from. It is the reason why I am going through these exercises. Why I have been working my way through "Radical Self-Forgiveness". Why I have been striving for the "Consciousness Cleanse". Deep down inside, I am happier now than I have ever been. I see myself as a good person. I just hate to see the hurt that I have caused someone I care about. It can't be undone. I will continue to show Tiffany that I do care for her, and will do everything in my power to help her in her life to come.

I know that she and I will BOTH be able to reach a greater potential as friends, rather than dysfunctional partners. As Tiffany begins to see things from my perspective, which I hope she eventually can, my feelings of guilt will diminish and eventually fade into nothingness. I want nothing more than for her to be emotionally healthy. I want to be her friend. I want to see both our lives become more fruitful and free from hurt.

Yes, guilt has played a big part in my life. Sometimes good.... many times not. It is my hope that we each can evaluate our own lives, and figure out for ourselves which guilt is "appropriate", and which guilt is not. And the guilt that isn't... well... it's time to get rid of it and think about self-forgiveness.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 8: IDENTIFYING MY SEXUAL SELF (Part 2)

That, my friends, is some intense stuff. A psychologists... ummm.... nocturnal emission. This essay describing the differences between physical and emotional sexuals has really made me think about what I am, and how it has affected the relationships that I have been in over the years....keeping in mind that the bulk of this relationship experience was my 21 year marriage that I have recently left (I will address this in a moment), I have also been reflecting previous relationships, although they were not as sexual as my marriage.

Before I venture into my relationships, let me share my personal analysis of what I am. According to the plethora of descriptions from both sides of the fence, I have concluded that I lean more on the "emotional sexual" side of things, but am probably in the healthy range of 60/40, emotional sexual being the predominant side. I may even venture to say that it could be a 65/35 split. Allow me to list a few of the factors that led me to this conclusion. First, I have always been somewhat of an introvert, and part of that may be due to the fact that I have never been completely secure in my physical appearance. Socially, I can be introverted, as well as from a sexual point of view. I do not flaunt my sexuality One may suggest that this would be because of my religious background, but I honestly don't think that I would be any different if there was not a religious affiliation in my personal life. Although I went through an adolescent phase where I dressed to draw attention to myself, it was not in a sexual way.

Another item mentioned on the list that resonated with me is the fact that emotional sexuals "feel their feelings inwardly and process them mentally. They seldom express feelings outwardly and do not like to show physical affection in public." In regards to these things, I have never been one to express my feelings outwardly. I can be an open book at times, but from a sexual point of view, I do not express many of my feelings outwardly. As for PDA (not the Personal Digital Assistant, but the dreaded Public Display of Affection), I love holding hands... but that is about as far as it goes. I am not one of those people that can sit in a movie theater and make out... although I did do that a time or two, when I was a teenager. Just don't tell my parents... they'd be very disappointed in me.

For the most part, I feel that I am well balanced between the two lists. My family life is important, but is not all consuming. My career is fairly important to me, but I would not risk relationships in order to climb any company ladders. I also feel that my sexuality is healthy in the fact that I do not depend on it to validate myself. To me, sex is simply a way for two people to deepen their emotional bond... and... if I can be bold, a way for two people to enhance their physical lives.

I know firsthand that it is extremely difficult for two people to have a happy, healthy love life if they don't fit together like puzzle pieces... at least as far as their sexual selves are concerned. I know that I am not a good match for someone who depends on sexuality to validate themselves. Sex can't be a game... unless both parties involved want to turn it into a game on their own accord. To each his/her own... know what I'm sayin'?

To close this extensive post, let me just say that this portion of the Radical Self-Forgiveness was eye opening. It has helped me understand the needs that some people have. It has given me some clear cut things to look for in a prospective partner, as I eventually work my way back into marriage. I have a better idea if I would be a good match with another, based on some very simple criteria... much of which isn't sexual in the least bit. It has also given me a deeper appreciation for the power and importance of therapy in our lives... especially if we are someone that has been through a traumatic life experience that has indefinitely caused our sexual self to be pushed out of whack. Most of us are probably acquainted with someone who was molested as a child. That kind of trauma will usually always cause irreparable damage to the victim, unless they seek help. Some close themselves off, sexually.... others become hyper-sexual. Sexuality, in general, is a very fascinating thing...and also a very fragile eco-system (for lack of a better word).

I hope that the words mentioned earlier have assisted in opening your mind to some of the things that affect our relationships, both on a personal level and a sexual level. If you are like me, the things listed in the book will hopefully help you in all of your social relationships, but specifically as you seek out a compatible mate. Even if you have been married for 15 years, this may help you to better understand your partner's needs. Because, heaven knows... if you can take care of your partner's emotional needs, then they will take care of your physical needs. ;-)

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 8: IDENTIFYING MY SEXUAL SELF (Part 1)

This is going to be a most interesting subject, and not just because it is about sex. Truth be told, this isn't going to deal much with the act of sex, but sexuality in general. And, because this is such an intriguing subject, I am going to quote directly from the book, "RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS" by Colin Tipping.

This is an incredibly complex self. It is certainly worth delving into the sexual self in the interest of self-exploration (not THAT kind of self-exploration kids... that'll just get you hair palms. Oh... and this was my addition. Sorry. My bad. Back to the serious subject at hand... no pun intended.) and self-knowledge. It is also useful in helping us understand how we behave in relationships.

John Kappas, PhD, founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute and author of a number of books on hypnotherapy, developed a model of sexual personality that I find very helpful. It's called the Emotional & Physical Attraction model. On one side of the scale is the self that he describes as "physical sexual". On the other is a self described as "emotional sexual".

The terms physical sexual and emotional sexual can be misleading. What is being referred to here is how we defend the part of ourselves we feel to be most threatened. The physical sexual is driven by an intense fear of rejection. Feeling emotionally vulnerable, we defend our emotions by presenting our physical body at the forefront as a form of protection.

The emotional sexual, on the other hand, is driven by a strong fear of intimacy. Feeling vulnerable physically, we protect our body by constructing a wall of emotion, which contains feelings such as fear, intense shyness, and distrust. There are all sorts of ramifications for how each sexual personality shows up in the world. Following there is a scale that demonstrates the extremes of sexual personality to help you determine where on the continuum you might be. The ideal is to have no more than about a 60/40 bias toward one end or the other. This way you will be able to better understand those with the opposite bias.

100%|-------------------50/50---------------------|100%

Physical Sexual Emotional Sexual

People with a Physical Sexual Self

• They are classic extroverts who project their sexuality outward almost to the point of flaunting it.
• They are very comfortable with their bodies and have a high sex drive.
• They wear clothes and jewelry that emphasize and bring attention to their bodies and their sexual attractiveness.
• Image and appearance are very important to them. No matter what they buy, the main consideration is how it makes them look. They favor elegance, style, color, glitz, and so on. They would never buy a car on the basis of fuel efficiency over style.
• They crave acceptance and attention due to a fear of rejection, which means everything they do is for the purpose of receiving approval. As a result, they are extremely sensitive to criticism.
• When in conversation, the will stand close, lock eyes, and scan others' faces for the sign of possible rejection.
• If rejected, rather than withdraw, they will push forward even more, trying to win others over with charm and persuasion. They become very insistent and pushy. They will not take "no" for an answer, especially from an emotional sexual person of the opposite sex to whom they are irresistibly attracted. They can be assertive and controlling, almost to the point of being obnoxious if they sense rejection.
• They are the life and soul of any party, very popular, and always seem comfortable in social situations. They are never at a loss for something to talk about, and small talk comes easily to them.
• They are natural risk-takers in all aspects of their lives. They are often entrepreneurs or indulge in very physical sports, especially team sports.
• They are less concerned about their bodies being hurt than they are about having their feelings crushed.
• All of their emotions are experienced physically rather than mentally, and when their feelings are hurt, they feel it as intense pain in their bodies. The pain can be so bad that it can literally incapacitate them for long periods of time.
• When a relationship ends, they are devastated and have a very difficult time letting go of it. They take it very personally and feel utterly rejected. They also have a very hard time replacing it. It may be many months before they will have another serious relationship, though they will have plenty of casual sex in the meanwhile. They need it just to feel OK.
• They are hopelessly idealistic about love and relationships and very romantically inclined. Once in a relationship, they tend to be loyal and monogamous. At the same time, they are very jealous and possessive.
• They enjoy children and are very connected to family (or the idea of family). They put family and relationships before career or any other aspect of life - it's their number one priority.
• They communicate by indirect implication and inferences, relying on the listener to make the correct interpretation. In contrast, they hear only what is said literally and don't pick up on implications. You have to tell them explicitly and frequently that you love them. They will not infer that you do just because you are there.

People with an Emotional Sexual Self

• They are classic introverts, and they tend to withdraw into themselves to protect their feelings of physical vulnerability.
• They are not the least bit comfortable in their bodies and have a closed, protective bodily stance that says, "Don't come close, and don't touch me." Their arms will be in front of them as protection, and their feet tend to be turned inward when standing.
• They dress conservatively to divert attention away from their bodies and hide their sexuality, including full-coverage or baggy attire and sensible shoes. Women often wear minimal makeup, if any at all.
• They are not particularly social and have great difficulty making small talk. At parties, they are usually the wallflowers and they leave early.
• They feel their feelings inwardly and process them mentally. They seldom express feelings outwardly and do not like to show physical affection in public.
• They prefer not to be touched. Even the most innocent touch quickly results in some kind of irritation. The type of touch that a physical sexual considers affectionate can seem like physical assault to an emotional sexual.
• They are turned on sexually much more by visual and mental stimuli than by touch.
• For them, sex is not a high priority; neither is family, children or relationships. Their priority is work and career, followed by their hobbies. Relationships come a distant third. They are not very fond of children, and they may choose never to marry.
• They often have extramarital affairs and think little of it, because they do not equate love with sex as do their physical sexual counterparts. They enjoy the mental excitement of affairs.
• When a relationship ends, they get over it in a matter of days and replace it easily. They do not take breakups as a personal rejection.
  
• They don't generally like team sports, but they do excel at individual sports that require rigorous training and personal challenges. They lead with their minds in everything from work, to games, and even sex. They are analytical, careful, and methodical and, therefore, seldom spontaneous.
• They buy cars based not on style and image, but based on which are the most efficient and best engineered. They will research such purchases extensively before they buy.
• If they go into business for themselves, they tend to be accountants, computer programmers, engineers, researchers, or technicians. They like precise, solitary work and are detail oriented. They can be very successful in business.
• They pick up on inferences and subtle implications, but they speak very directly and precisely. They don't waste words and are not physically expressive.

I can't conclude this conversation on the sexual self without explaining how this dynamic plays in our relationships, especially if one or both partners are at an extreme end of the scale. As you might imagine, opposites attract... initially. A high physical sexual will attract a high emotional sexual, and vice versa. At a party, a high physical sexual male will make a beeline for the retiring little emotional sexual who is in the corner clutching her drink and looking shy and embarrassed. He desperately wants to rescue her and "bring her out." She is initially turned off by him because he's so pushy, but eventually succumbs to his irresistible charm and his "take charge" attitude.

Communication seems to flow easily between them, as well. That's because the physical sexual speaks inferentially to the emotional sexual, who easily picks up on the subtle implications of what is being said. Conversely, the emotional sexual speaks directly to the physical sexual, who likes direct communication, not implications. The emotional sexual says little, but is a good listener, whereas the physical sexual loves to dominate the conversation and is more happy to have someone who will just listen. It seems like a match made in heaven. Not only does the communication seem great, but during the honeymoon period, which lasts about six months, they begin reverting to their natural type. As the chemistry that enabled them to let down their defenses for a while begins to fade, so, too, do their defenses reemerge, and their primary behavior returns to the forefront.

Consequently, emotional sexuals begin withdrawing emotionally and wanting less sex. Their fear of intimacy and their tendency to avoid it returns. They begin focusing on things that interest them besides the relationship. This drives the physical sexual crazy because he or she interprets the emotional sexual's behavior as implicit rejection and an indication of the partner falling out of love. That makes him or her even more demanding of love, sex, and physical affection, which in turn makes the emotional sexual withdraw even more.
Once both fear responses have kicked in, the situation goes from bad to worse, and the relationship is virtually irretrievable. If they stay together, it will be the emotional sexual who controls the relationship. That's because the physical sexual will sell a large chunk of himself or herself (remember lost selves?) in order to get whatever sex or physical affection the emotional sexual is willing to give. That's why a lot of strong-looking physical sexual males are controlled by weaker-looking wives. A woman who knows how to manipulate that fear of rejection owns her man.

You might imagine that the ideal arrangement would be two of the same type together. This is not so. Two physical sexuals together would be in competition with each other and would act like a couple of divas. They would talk at each other in implications, with neither of them fully understanding the meaning. They would talk over each other and always see rejection in every utterance. It would be an intensely sexual liaison, but their jealousy and possessiveness would create terrible problems. They would always be fighting.

Two emotional sexuals together would soon get very bored with one another. Sex would be nonexistent, and their communication minimal. Their best chance at survival would be if they were to work together. Otherwise, one or both would likely be out looking for an affair just to relieve the boredom.

Concluding this discussion on the sexual self, I would ask you to please remember that these are the extremes. Most of us are either predominantly physical or emotional, but have enough of the other to find balance to a greater or lesser degree. You can probably make a rough assessment of where you are on that scale, which can give you a sufficient idea of your sexual self. Again, you will want to compare this assessment with your authentic self (see Exercise 1) to ensure that there is congruence.

To be continued...

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 7: IDENTIFYING MY SABOTEUR SELF

First, I must point out that of all my "selves" that I have been studying (and subsequently reporting on), the Saboteur Self is the one that I feel is most distant from who I am as a person.

To sum up the Saboteur Self, this is the part of our personality that subconsciously tries to protect us from things in our lives that may cause us harm. Most often, the Saboteur Self manifests itself in the areas of relationships (both familial and between a partner or spouse) and finances.

In our lives, especially during the vulnerable years of childhood and adolescence, we encounter things in our lives that may be disturbing to us. More often than not, we will utilize our psychological defense mechanisms to protect our emotional state from being hurt, but in so doing, we will often suppress the emotions and drive them into our subconscious level.

In the area of relationships, our Saboteur Self may manifest itself throughout life, if we grew up in an environment where we witnessed psychological, emotional or (heaven forbid) physical abuse. It is common for people who grew up in such an environment to conclude that marriage is not good, and therefore our Saboteur Self will manifest itself in every relationship that we become involved in. Once we feel "safe and secure" in our relationship, our Saboteur Self will be activated to try and protect us from getting hurt by the person who we are involved with... even though, in reality, there is probably no cause for such protection.

I spent several years working a swing shift and would listen to the syndicated radio program, "LOVELINES", featuring Dr. Drew (Pinsky) and comedian, Adam Corolla. On the program they would take calls from listeners who had questions regarding physical and emotional relationships. After listening to the program for an extended amount of time, you would undoubtedly see a pattern in people that had been abused, whether physically or emotionally. In almost every case, these people would begin to sabotage their relationships once they began to feel "comfortable". Their subconscious psyche would tell them that a happy, healthy relationship is NOT normal, and that if you continue down that road, you will undoubtedly get hurt. Because of the subconscious sabotage that the (for lack of a better word) damaged personalities would bring into the relationships, these relationships would nearly always end in shambles.

Surprisingly, money is one of the biggest parts of our life that is sabotaged by our subconscious Saboteur Self. Most people think that they are just not cut out to be rich, successful people, when in reality it is this subconscious thinking that, more often than not, prevents us from reaching financial success. In reflecting over my life, I truly wonder if this is the case with me. Most of my adult life has been plagued with financial hardship, but in retrospect I think it was just because of a bad financial chemistry between my (soon-to-be) ex-wife. I lay no blame on one or the other of us, but know that between the two, we had a bugger of a time trying to budget money.

Psychologists say that the main reason for our Saboteur Self manifesting itself, when it comes to money, is that we may have grown up in a home where our father (or other key figure in our life) was so determined to be successful with his work, that his familial relationships suffered. As a child, we witnessed the devastation caused by our father's quest for success, and subsequently buried those emotions into our subconscious. Although we may not directly associate money with the deterioration of a parental relationship, we subconsciously will always associate financial success with heartache.

In studies, psychologists have seen cases where people that manifested this subconscious resentment of money would literally try and sabotage their own businesses, in order to NOT succeed. It was never a conscious decision, but would be manifested by hiring people that they may have known were not the best people for the position.

I, myself, have known people that have seemed to sabotage their own employment with jobs, because they somehow, subconsciously, didn't find peace in having stable employment.

Now, for me, money issues and the Saboteur Self was never an issue. My parents were probably considered lower middle-class. My mother worked out of the house as a seamstress and my father was a police officer. These occupations were anything but financially lucrative. I never had any of the associations brought up by Colin Tipping, in his book "Radical Self-Forgiveness", yet I have never had any real luck with money.

In reality, being financially well off is not a goal of mine. I don't desire wealth. I am not going to be foolish enough to say that I would shun wealth, but I don't feel the need to make money a focal point. Money, in my opinion, does NOT equal happiness. There are too many wealthy people running around this planet of ours that are not happy, even though they have more money than they will ever need. To me, happiness comes from within, not without. I know that contentment comes from having enough money to take care of bills, and have witnessed the stress that is caused by a lack of money, but I don't associate wealth with a long term happiness.

In closing, I reflect over my life and can honestly say that it has been a very normal experience. My family was not wealthy, but we got by. I wasn't robbed a decent childhood, although it did at times require my father to work overtime in order for us to be able to enjoy some of the nicer things in life like camping. Yes, THAT was my wealth in life... memories of camping trips and vacations, albeit inexpensive vacations.

So, to sum up my thoughts, I think it would best be said that IF I have a Saboteur Self, it is a small one... and, in my opinion, does not manifest itself in my day to day life. I work for the Postal Service. My life is, for the most part, simple. I am not on a course to be rich, nor do I desire that. I want enough money to take care of my needs as well as that of my family. In the area of relationships, I honestly don't think that I have an active Saboteur Self. Although I am currently separated from my wife, the decision to leave was not based on any negative experiences as a child. My parents have been married for 46 years and seem to be completely happy. I never saw signs of strife between the two of them. The reality of my situation is that I think separation (and ultimately divorce) from my wife will actually make both of us happier, more functional people in the end. At least that is my hope. I can attest that going through such things does have it's share of pain and that it may be sometimes hard to truly realize that it's for the best, but I have hope that she and I will become better friends in the end, and that we will be able to grow beyond what we were able to do, while living together.

That being said, it's time to buckle down and get my thoughts ready to discuss my Sexual Self. Oh, this is going to be fun...

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 6: IDENTIFYING MY DISOWNED SELF

My "disowned" Self? What? Well... this is going to be interesting.

To describe the "Disowned Self", let me turn to the book RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS, by Colin Tipping.

Our disowned selves are the parts of ourselves that we have rejected as unacceptable and have put completely out of sight and out of mind. We accomplish this through the mechanism of repression. That means that we have pushed them so deep down in the subconscious mind that we have absolutely no awareness of them whatsoever.

Repression is not the same as suppression. When we suppress parts of ourselves, we know that they are still there. This would be true of our lost selves. We know those parts exist in us, but we intentionally keep them suppressed. Conversely, those parts of ourselves that we have disowned and repressed are out of our awareness altogether. Carl Jung referred to this repressed material as our shadow. Let's look at how these parts of ourselves initially got denied, rejected, and then disowned.

When we were growing up and looking for approval and love from those around us, most notably our parents, we soon learned which of our attributes won us love and approval and which did not. Out of a sense of survival, we selected the most approved attributes to live from and quickly disowned the others.

From the acceptable list, we created the socially modified self that we present to the world, and we dumped the rest into our shadow. It's likely that we've added even more material to our shadow as we've developed, but most of our disowned selves were repressed early as a result of our being shamed over them. Having shifted all the UNAPPROVED attributes into our shadow and repressed them, we might think they are safely buried and inactive. They are not. Attached to every one of them is an energy, which is both active and reactive. Each attribute has the ability to rise up from the depths of our unconscious to be recognized and accepted.

For that reason, we remain ever fearful of our shadow, and we do everything we can to avoid coming to terms with it. The act of repressing it is an avoidance strategy. But an even better way to avoid dealing with our shadow material is to project it onto someone else. In other words, we symbolically take it out of ourselves, project it onto someone or something else OUT THERE, and then convince ourselves that we no longer have it.

Here's how it works: we first find someone who seems to have a lot of the qualities we hate in ourselves. Next, we criticize or judge him or her unmercifully for having those qualities, unaware, of course, that they are our very own attributes. We then become angry and self-righteous and go to great lengths to make the person wrong, and to punish him or her if possible. With our focus strongly set on the "bad" person out there, the need to see what is "in here" is neatly sidestepped and avoided.

Projection is a powerful defense mechanism. It has the potential to keep us stuck in self-loathing, because it automatically prevents us from recognizing and accepting a significant part of ourselves. Nevertheless, it does offer us a way to retrieve our disowned selves. Once we understand the mechanism of projection and can recognize when we are doing it - that is, when we are criticizing another for our own shortcomings - we can decide to reverse the projection.

When we become more aware of our tendencies to project, we are in effect recognizing the principle "If you spot it, you've got it." We reclaim our projection by recognizing the person we are judging as someone who has come into our lives to mirror what we have disowned and to give us the opportunity to see it and welcome it back with love and acceptance.

The exercise that accompanies this section is a most interesting one. Where all the previous exercises have asked me to select traits from a specific list, this one is different. Because these traits have been "disowned", I don't even know that they are there. So, how do I recognize the traits that I may have disowned, only to live deep inside of me, fighting to occasionally get out? Well... it's easy.

In this exercise, I am to list 2 individuals. Now, to not offend anyone, I need not list their names. I merely list two individuals and create a list of all the reasons why I hate or (in my case) strongly dislike the person. If you do this exercise, you are free to choose someone who you may deal with on a daily basis, or it may even be someone that you have never met... like a celebrity. In my case, I will be listing both an individual that I work with AND a celebrity. I find it interesting that in the case of my two individuals, there are some extremely similar, if not identical, traits.

INDIVIDUAL #1: Co-worker

• Arrogant
• Critical
• Condescending
• Pretentious
• Uncaring

Most items that I listed are related, and if I were to continue, the list would just consist of things like "holier-than-thou", "cocky", etc. I feel that they are too closely related to the previous things listed in the list. As a general rule, I try to be a person that overlooks the negative in people. From my perspective, we ALL have negative issues that may or may not annoy other people. I know I have plenty of personality traits that probably annoy other people. I tend to be very outspoken, especially about things that I feel very passionate about. Whether it be politics (although, for the most part, I have pretty much divorced myself from the contentious world of politics), music, film, or even celebrities... like the one I am about to talk about... I try to look at the positive in people. However, in some cases it's just downed right impossible.

Case in point:

Individual #2: a celebrity

• Egocentric... dare I say, egomaniacal? Is it really a word? Spell-check doesn't think so.
• Manipulative
• Self-promoting
• Pretentious
• Shallow
• Disingenuous

Okay, so in hindsight, I guess this list isn't that similar to the first person... yet, I still find myself disturbed that if this exercise is, in fact, accurate.... I'm a dick. So, if that is, in fact, the case... I'm sorry to all of you. BUT, before we all get bummed out about the fact that I am potentially an unpleasant character, let's keep in mind that THIS is the reason why I am going through these exercises. I am going to accept the fact that I am a pretentious, condescending, shallow, self-promoting individual... exercise those traits from my being... and next time you see me, I'm genuinely going to be a sweet guy. Wait... was that a pretentious thing to say?

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 5: IDENTIFYING MY LOST SELVES

This exercise will be short, yet as important as the rest. First, let me explain the "Lost" self to you. This is the self that we have lost by giving them up or shutting them down OR trading them away for love, money, power, status, or something similar.

There is a short list (in the book "RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS", by Colin Tipping) of things that are most commonly given away in pursuit the aforementioned items. A good example would be the classic Hollywood cliche' of people "sleeping their way to the top". Although a prevalent act in Hollywood, this kind of behavior happens all over the place, especially in the workplace. People will give up sex, innocence, trust, integrity... a combination of all of them... or other things, in order to improve their career pursuits.

It isn't just sexual related sacrifices that we make, as there are any number of things that we may give up in pursuit of something that we think are more important. Some people will give up their freedom or their happiness in order to secure a relationship with somebody who isn't the best match, but is desirous in other ways (looks and appearances, etc.).

I will now go through the list and write down some of the items that I feel I have sacrificed, at one point in my life or another, in order to get something else. Before doing this, I would like to point out that, for the most part, I have always been someone that does what I want. I am not particularly ambitious in the way of many professional people. I don't sacrifice my standards or personal beliefs in order to get gain. I have, however, occasionally sacrificed one of my "selves" in order to find happiness in another part of my life. Sometimes the trade-off has been worth it, other times not.

Probably one of my greatest sacrifices... and by great, I mean big... NOT good, was back in the late 1990's, when my marriage was all but dead. It was functioning, but barely. In the early days of the internet, I became emotionally attached to a young woman thousands of miles away. It wasn't a sexual thing. I didn't even know what she looked like, until some time into the "relationship". In the end, it all blew up in my face, and I had betrayed my wife's trust. In essence, I gave up MY trust. The trust she had in me. Over the years, we tried to make it work, but in the end that trust which I had sacrificed years before, cost me dearly. I gave up trust in pursuit of what I thought was happiness. It was happiness then... albeit short lived... and is now, 14 years later, probably one of my biggest regrets in my life.

Part of my reason for going through this exercise is to purge my conscience of these things that have burdened me for so many years. With any luck, when all is said and done, I will have restored any lost "selves" that were sacrificed, and I will be able to move forward with my life a complete person, with my integrity intact. In the future, I don't ever want to sacrifice any of my precious "selves" in the pursuit of something that I may want at that moment.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 4: IDENTIFYING MY MODIFIED SELF

The particular "self" hits very close to home. Let me explain why...

Most of you know that I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons). Most of you know that people that belong to my church either live lives different from most people, or they are supposed to live lives that manifest standards set apart from the rest of the world. In reality, we are taught to be "In the world, but not OF the world", meaning we should be a functioning part of society (not holed up in a compound), but living the standards set forth by the church we belong to, whether in the form of scripture or counsel from our Church leaders.

For those that belong to ANY religion, you are aware that (in most cases) you are asked to live in a way that would sometimes go against your physical nature... or your true self. For example: genetically, our bodies are wired to reproduce. We have urges that, unless controlled, can create havoc in our lives. In many religions (mine included), we are taught to use our procreative power for particular purposes and NOT indiscriminately. Such is the difference between our AUTHENTIC HUMAN self and our SOCIALLY MODIFIED self. My body says it wants to have sex with anyone that it is attracted to... my beliefs say that it needs to be saved for my spouse. This should hopefully give a clear idea of the difference in these two selves... keeping in mind that they are BOTH selves that dwell inside of each and every one of us. Knowing this fundamental fact help us to more fully understand that inner conflict that each and every one of us, as human beings, can go through.

Let me further explain the Socially Modified Self, by quoting from Colin Tipping's "RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS":

This is the self that is not really us, but that we may have become in order to be accepted-the person others have wanted us to be. This is the socially constructed self we have become in order to fit in socially or within a family - even though it is not really us.
As members of any group, we agree to give up some aspects of ourselves in order to conform to certain group norms. Anyone who was brought up in a severely dysfunctional family is likely to have developed a highly modified self, which was simply formed as a way to survive. This conformity occurs at all levels of society: at work, school, church, political situations, in the media, and so on. That's because we are all social animals and are willing to adhere to group norms in order to be socially accepted.
But how much of our individual self-expression are we willing to give up in return for the comfort of being part of these groups? Suppose we are drawn to a particular religious group but have to conform to some very strict rules? Suppose we want to be a monk or a priest or a rabbi? Are we willing to modify who we are for certain purposes? The answer depends on a great many factors and might easily be "yes" if that choice is in line with our overall sense of self and purpose. However, we must ensure that the answer is "no" at the point where, in order to conform, we find ourselves failing to remember our own integrity. To be in integrity means to be whole and complete. If we fall out of integrity with ourselves, we are essentially living a lie. When we are out of integrity with ourselves, our authentic self is completely impaired. When we are inauthentic, we begin to sell ourselves short and chip away at our sense of self. Others will see through us and will eventually reject us. It is clear that we cannot live an inauthentic life for very long. The way to restore our integrity is to reclaim our true selves.

The part of this quote that really hits home to me is where the writer goes into detail about "integrity" and how it is important to be true (to an extent) our who we are and NOT try to conform to others, in order to be part of their group, whether social, religious or political.

In my 43 years, I have witnessed many people who have pretended to be one thing, when, in reality, they have been something completely different. I know that I have been guilty of doing that to an extent, but know that in order for myself to be completely happy and at peace with myself, I need to adapt to my surroundings (socially and religiously) without losing my personal integrity. I have come dangerously close to abandoning my integrity and they have been some of the most (internally) tumultuous times of my life.

The following is an exercise where I am to list the group of "qualities" as set forth in the exercises in RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS and list whether I have "adopted" or "rejected" said quality in order to conform or feel like I have really belonged, to be accepted by my family, church, peer group and so on. Keep in mind that when I list "adopted" or "rejected", it is in reference to my life, and NOT necessarily now.

• Introverted: REJECTED (so many times I have had to leave my "comfort zone")
  
• Extroverted: ADOPTED
• Talkative: ADOPTED
• Quiet: REJECTED
• Intellectual: ADOPTED
• Excitable: ADOPTED
• A Strong Leader: ADOPTED (where I am most comfortable being a follower, I have had many instances where I have been required to lead... both from a religious and social standpoint)
  
• Team Oriented: ADOPTED (I am always more comfortable doing "my own thing")
  
• Individualistic: REJECTED
• Manipulating: REJECTED
• Courageous: ADOPTED (I have spent a great part of my life being "spineless". Times have changed.)
  
• Fearful: REJECTED
• Seductive: REJECTED (Where my body wants to do one thing, my values tell me another.)
  
• Shy: REJECTED
• Nervous: REJECTED
• Narcissistic: REJECTED
• Analytical: ADOPTED
• Grouchy: REJECTED (to an extent)
• Stingy: ADOPTED (Sometimes, a person needs to rob himself of "wants" for future "needs". I'm really trying to be better about that.)
  
• Curious: REJECTED
• Theatrical: ADOPTED
• Ambitious: ADOPTED
• A gambler: ADOPTED (And no, this is not a gambler in the Las Vegas sense. I will only ever play my $5.00 until it's gone. Consider THAT form of gambling to be "video games with ringing bells, butterflies in the stomach, and the lingering smell of an ashtray.)
  
• Sexy: (What the...?)
• A nurturer: ADOPTED
• Blunt: REJECTED (although I am still far too blunt)
• Competitive: REJECTED
• Indecisive: REJECTED
• Noncommittal: REJECTED (An ongoing struggle in many facets of my life.)
  
• Practical: ADOPTED
• Obedient: ADOPTED
• Rebellious: REJECTED
• Distrustful: ADOPTED (by default from other bad choices I have made)
• Trusting: ADOPTED (in order to restore any distrust... yeah, it's confusing)
• Caring: ADOPTED
• Inflexible: REJECTED (I try to be flexible emotionally AND physically... not that the latter really matters)
• Energetic: ADOPTED
• Optimistic: ADOPTED
• Pessimistic: REJECTED
• Graceful: ADOPTED (I was dubbed a "clutz", when I was a kid)
• Clumsy: REJECTED
• Judgmental: REJECTED
• Hardworking: ADOPTED
• Lazy: REJECTED

One last note: In the process of creating the socially modified self, we often lose many parts of ourselves. These selves are distinct and deserve to be recongnized in their own right - and are referred to as our "lost selves." These will be the focus of the next exercises...