To begin, we must recognize where we get most of our "core negative beliefs". In most cases, we get these beliefs from our parents. Parents, bless their hearts, are broken people, too. They, like us, stumble through this life making mistakes, (hopefully) learning from those mistakes, and eventually becoming better people. Parenthood is a most difficult thing, as we are thrust into it with little to no preparation. The only preparation we have is our own life experiences and, if we are lucky, the occasional class to help prepare us for parenthood. However, even in those cases, being a parent to a doll, egg or bag of flour is hardly the preparation that we really need.
There are many ways that we cultivate core negative beliefs from our parents. Parents inevitably rear their children with the same set of values and morals, codes of behavior, skills, attitudes, prejudices, dreams, thought habits, and so on to their children. Reflecting on my own childhood, I can say that I was born into a warm, loving home. I grew up with two parents who, although having the occasional disagreement, loved each other. They were, and still are, a very religious, faith promoting couple. They instilled in me a core set of beliefs and morals that helped create the man I am today. However, because of my inherent weaknesses (some of which I described in Exercise 9), it also assisted in creating "core negative beliefs". I felt like I was a bad person. I felt like I was a filthy person. I felt like I was nowhere near the person that they wanted me to be. Keep in mind that these thoughts were of my own volition and (for the most part) NOT thrust upon me by my parents. To me, it has always been amusing when I talk candidly with my parents and they share stories about their own lives that simply reiterate the fact that we ALL have our own problems to deal with.
An example of some of these core beliefs that we may have learned from our parents... or rather, had described to us by our parents, would be things like being told we are untidy, lazy, lacking ambition, unintelligent, antisocial, uncaring, etc.
In reality, we may have been told these things in a moment of weakness for our parents, when they simply commented out of frustration. I know that in my life as a parent, I have been guilty of that too many times to count. Over the past few months, especially recently, I have mentally played over the past 20 years of my life,... over... and over... and over. I have asked myself what I did right... and what I did wrong. I look at the relationship that I have with my three daughters. I need to continually remind myself that I did the best I could, and that my daughters, like myself, are broken people, struggling to make sense of their own lives. If anyone is to ever try and convince you that the people your children become is based entirely on how they are raised, I say RUBBISH! My wife and I raised our three daughters in the same house, with nearly identical standards, and they have all turned out to be completely different from one another. The core of what we are is based on how we were made. Our genetic structure. So many different variables go into the formation of a baby, and each of us, even though coming from (in most cases) the same gene pool, are very different human beings.
The second step in this exercise, and the thing we need to remember, is that we must EVALUATE our negative core beliefs and remind ourselves that these are not inherently bad things. People may look at our behaviors as being bad, but it is THEIR problem, NOT ours. The problem is in their judging. Nobody lives a life free of criticism. If we spend our lives worrying about the criticism that comes from other people (trust me, this is one of my greatest weaknesses), we will forever be stuck in a rut of self-pity. We won't be able to break the shackles of negativity that keep us bound.
In evaluating my negative core beliefs, I need to go back to the list of qualities that I considered to be my "Authentic Self" (Exercise 1) and separate those things that are actually ME, and those things that were thrust upon me, whether by my parents, teachers, church leaders, etc. Some of our "negative core beliefs" are simply who we are. Now, when I say this, I am by no means saying that we should just sit back and continue doing the negative things that we do, but we should by no means (mentally and emotionally) beat ourselves up over them.
In this exercise, I am going to list some of the negative core beliefs that I mentioned in Exercise 10, and list some of them that I feel were cast upon me by others, whether by my parents, teachers, bosses or church leaders. After doing so, I will ask myself this question: which of these would I lay claim to as being either true or at least partially true as an honest description of how I am NOW? I will give them a rating on a scale of 1-100 of how much truth it holds, where 100 = 100% true.
- I have to be perfect to be loved. (20) I honestly don't think that I need to be perfect to be loved, although I did spend a great amount of my life thinking that, at least with my father, his demeanor towards me was greatly affected by the way I acted. The sad reality of this, is that I have become the same father. I love my girls, but I know my behavior towards them is greatly determined by how they are living their lives. It's not intentional, but it happens. Just another thing that I need to work on...
- I have to struggle/work hard for everything. (60) I have always lived in a middle class home where we didn't have much excess money. My parents made sure that we had wonderful memories from camping trips, vacations, etc., but we never had the latest fashionable clothes or the finest things like some of the other kids did. My parents, bless their hearts, did their best. I have come to learn that my success in life depends on my work ethic. My first job out of high school was for a very strict, anal retentive boss. He expected perfection and IF we didn't meet his expectations, we heard about it. I have always taken that work ethic into account, and know that I will never be handed my success. If success is even the word to describe my middle-class, blue collar life.
- I never quite measure up. (80) This outlook on my life is all too real. I think it has to do, for the most part, with my religious upbringing. That and the very conservative nature of my father. I have often felt like I am not nearly the person that my siblings are, although I know we have all had our trials in life. I think the heaviest moment I have ever encountered, in regards to this subject, was at my uncle's funeral a month ago. The entire meeting was filled with kind words about a successful, incredibly spiritual man, by his children, who have all grown up to be like individuals. Gazing at the extended family around me, I felt so.... so.... imperfect. My marriage is in shambles, thanks in part to me.... at least one of my children stands at the precipice of having an extremely "difficult" life, of which I also take partial blame....each day I am reminded of how I fall short to the greatness of my ancestry... and I hardly feel like I'm measuring up to anything great.
- I can never do it right. (60) I struggled some with this, throughout my life. I remember as a child that I was often referred to as "heavy handed", as I would often break things that were fragile, or damage my parents' belongings in some way. I felt like I did okay in school, receiving accolades from teachers (certificate awards, etc.), but was never 100% confident in my abilities to do achieve greatness. When it came to sports at school, I had NO confidence in my abilities. I did not grow up playing any kind of sports, and knew that had nowhere near the abilities of the other boys.
- I'm always left out of everything. (30) My parents never excluded me from anything, but as stated in the previous statement, when it came to any kind of athletic events at school, or with my friends, I always felt excluded. In the grand scheme of things, I would say that it only affected 30% of my life.
- Something must be wrong with me. (20) Where my own psyche was extremely brutal in this regard (see Exercise 9: Guilt), I have rarely been made to feel like I had something wrong with me. Yes, I occasionally felt like I was a disappointing child (although this was just my interpretation). The 20% would stem from the occasional body language that I, to this day, get from my father. I can't blame him, as I manifest
- I am spiritually flawed. (30) This is yet another area where I, myself, was my worst enemy. I was the one that put the "spiritually flawed" levels to nearly 100. However, as far as my parents and church leaders are concerned, I didn't get too much of it. Yes, there was some.... especially in regards to "the factory". And, unfortunately, that was a very crucial 30% in regards to how I felt about myself, as an adolescent.
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