This is an incredibly complex self. It is certainly worth delving into the sexual self in the interest of self-exploration (not THAT kind of self-exploration kids... that'll just get you hair palms. Oh... and this was my addition. Sorry. My bad. Back to the serious subject at hand... no pun intended.) and self-knowledge. It is also useful in helping us understand how we behave in relationships.
John Kappas, PhD, founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute and author of a number of books on hypnotherapy, developed a model of sexual personality that I find very helpful. It's called the Emotional & Physical Attraction model. On one side of the scale is the self that he describes as "physical sexual". On the other is a self described as "emotional sexual".
The terms physical sexual and emotional sexual can be misleading. What is being referred to here is how we defend the part of ourselves we feel to be most threatened. The physical sexual is driven by an intense fear of rejection. Feeling emotionally vulnerable, we defend our emotions by presenting our physical body at the forefront as a form of protection.
The emotional sexual, on the other hand, is driven by a strong fear of intimacy. Feeling vulnerable physically, we protect our body by constructing a wall of emotion, which contains feelings such as fear, intense shyness, and distrust. There are all sorts of ramifications for how each sexual personality shows up in the world. Following there is a scale that demonstrates the extremes of sexual personality to help you determine where on the continuum you might be. The ideal is to have no more than about a 60/40 bias toward one end or the other. This way you will be able to better understand those with the opposite bias.
100%|-------------------50/50---------------------|100%
Physical Sexual Emotional Sexual
People with a Physical Sexual Self
- They are classic extroverts who project their sexuality outward almost to the point of flaunting it.
- They are very comfortable with their bodies and have a high sex drive.
- They wear clothes and jewelry that emphasize and bring attention to their bodies and their sexual attractiveness.
- Image and appearance are very important to them. No matter what they buy, the main consideration is how it makes them look. They favor elegance, style, color, glitz, and so on. They would never buy a car on the basis of fuel efficiency over style.
- They crave acceptance and attention due to a fear of rejection, which means everything they do is for the purpose of receiving approval. As a result, they are extremely sensitive to criticism.
- When in conversation, the will stand close, lock eyes, and scan others' faces for the sign of possible rejection.
- If rejected, rather than withdraw, they will push forward even more, trying to win others over with charm and persuasion. They become very insistent and pushy. They will not take "no" for an answer, especially from an emotional sexual person of the opposite sex to whom they are irresistibly attracted. They can be assertive and controlling, almost to the point of being obnoxious if they sense rejection.
- They are the life and soul of any party, very popular, and always seem comfortable in social situations. They are never at a loss for something to talk about, and small talk comes easily to them.
- They are natural risk-takers in all aspects of their lives. They are often entrepreneurs or indulge in very physical sports, especially team sports.
- They are less concerned about their bodies being hurt than they are about having their feelings crushed.
- All of their emotions are experienced physically rather than mentally, and when their feelings are hurt, they feel it as intense pain in their bodies. The pain can be so bad that it can literally incapacitate them for long periods of time.
- When a relationship ends, they are devastated and have a very difficult time letting go of it. They take it very personally and feel utterly rejected. They also have a very hard time replacing it. It may be many months before they will have another serious relationship, though they will have plenty of casual sex in the meanwhile. They need it just to feel OK.
- They are hopelessly idealistic about love and relationships and very romantically inclined. Once in a relationship, they tend to be loyal and monogamous. At the same time, they are very jealous and possessive.
- They enjoy children and are very connected to family (or the idea of family). They put family and relationships before career or any other aspect of life - it's their number one priority.
- They communicate by indirect implication and inferences, relying on the listener to make the correct interpretation. In contrast, they hear only what is said literally and don't pick up on implications. You have to tell them explicitly and frequently that you love them. They will not infer that you do just because you are there.
People with an Emotional Sexual Self
- They are classic introverts, and they tend to withdraw into themselves to protect their feelings of physical vulnerability.
- They are not the least bit comfortable in their bodies and have a closed, protective bodily stance that says, "Don't come close, and don't touch me." Their arms will be in front of them as protection, and their feet tend to be turned inward when standing.
- They dress conservatively to divert attention away from their bodies and hide their sexuality, including full-coverage or baggy attire and sensible shoes. Women often wear minimal makeup, if any at all.
- They are not particularly social and have great difficulty making small talk. At parties, they are usually the wallflowers and they leave early.
- They feel their feelings inwardly and process them mentally. They seldom express feelings outwardly and do not like to show physical affection in public.
- They prefer not to be touched. Even the most innocent touch quickly results in some kind of irritation. The type of touch that a physical sexual considers affectionate can seem like physical assault to an emotional sexual.
- They are turned on sexually much more by visual and mental stimuli than by touch.
- For them, sex is not a high priority; neither is family, children or relationships. Their priority is work and career, followed by their hobbies. Relationships come a distant third. They are not very fond of children, and they may choose never to marry.
- They often have extramarital affairs and think little of it, because they do not equate love with sex as do their physical sexual counterparts. They enjoy the mental excitement of affairs.
- When a relationship ends, they get over it in a matter of days and replace it easily. They do not take breakups as a personal rejection.
- They don't generally like team sports, but they do excel at individual sports that require rigorous training and personal challenges. They lead with their minds in everything from work, to games, and even sex. They are analytical, careful, and methodical and, therefore, seldom spontaneous.
- They buy cars based not on style and image, but based on which are the most efficient and best engineered. They will research such purchases extensively before they buy.
- If they go into business for themselves, they tend to be accountants, computer programmers, engineers, researchers, or technicians. They like precise, solitary work and are detail oriented. They can be very successful in business.
- They pick up on inferences and subtle implications, but they speak very directly and precisely. They don't waste words and are not physically expressive.
I can't conclude this conversation on the sexual self without explaining how this dynamic plays in our relationships, especially if one or both partners are at an extreme end of the scale. As you might imagine, opposites attract... initially. A high physical sexual will attract a high emotional sexual, and vice versa. At a party, a high physical sexual male will make a beeline for the retiring little emotional sexual who is in the corner clutching her drink and looking shy and embarrassed. He desperately wants to rescue her and "bring her out." She is initially turned off by him because he's so pushy, but eventually succumbs to his irresistible charm and his "take charge" attitude.
Communication seems to flow easily between them, as well. That's because the physical sexual speaks inferentially to the emotional sexual, who easily picks up on the subtle implications of what is being said. Conversely, the emotional sexual speaks directly to the physical sexual, who likes direct communication, not implications. The emotional sexual says little, but is a good listener, whereas the physical sexual loves to dominate the conversation and is more happy to have someone who will just listen. It seems like a match made in heaven. Not only does the communication seem great, but during the honeymoon period, which lasts about six months, they begin reverting to their natural type. As the chemistry that enabled them to let down their defenses for a while begins to fade, so, too, do their defenses reemerge, and their primary behavior returns to the forefront.
Consequently, emotional sexuals begin withdrawing emotionally and wanting less sex. Their fear of intimacy and their tendency to avoid it returns. They begin focusing on things that interest them besides the relationship. This drives the physical sexual crazy because he or she interprets the emotional sexual's behavior as implicit rejection and an indication of the partner falling out of love. That makes him or her even more demanding of love, sex, and physical affection, which in turn makes the emotional sexual withdraw even more.
Once both fear responses have kicked in, the situation goes from bad to worse, and the relationship is virtually irretrievable. If they stay together, it will be the emotional sexual who controls the relationship. That's because the physical sexual will sell a large chunk of himself or herself (remember lost selves?) in order to get whatever sex or physical affection the emotional sexual is willing to give. That's why a lot of strong-looking physical sexual males are controlled by weaker-looking wives. A woman who knows how to manipulate that fear of rejection owns her man.
You might imagine that the ideal arrangement would be two of the same type together. This is not so. Two physical sexuals together would be in competition with each other and would act like a couple of divas. They would talk at each other in implications, with neither of them fully understanding the meaning. They would talk over each other and always see rejection in every utterance. It would be an intensely sexual liaison, but their jealousy and possessiveness would create terrible problems. They would always be fighting.
Two emotional sexuals together would soon get very bored with one another. Sex would be nonexistent, and their communication minimal. Their best chance at survival would be if they were to work together. Otherwise, one or both would likely be out looking for an affair just to relieve the boredom.
Concluding this discussion on the sexual self, I would ask you to please remember that these are the extremes. Most of us are either predominantly physical or emotional, but have enough of the other to find balance to a greater or lesser degree. You can probably make a rough assessment of where you are on that scale, which can give you a sufficient idea of your sexual self. Again, you will want to compare this assessment with your authentic self (see Exercise 1) to ensure that there is congruence.
To be continued...
Communication seems to flow easily between them, as well. That's because the physical sexual speaks inferentially to the emotional sexual, who easily picks up on the subtle implications of what is being said. Conversely, the emotional sexual speaks directly to the physical sexual, who likes direct communication, not implications. The emotional sexual says little, but is a good listener, whereas the physical sexual loves to dominate the conversation and is more happy to have someone who will just listen. It seems like a match made in heaven. Not only does the communication seem great, but during the honeymoon period, which lasts about six months, they begin reverting to their natural type. As the chemistry that enabled them to let down their defenses for a while begins to fade, so, too, do their defenses reemerge, and their primary behavior returns to the forefront.
Consequently, emotional sexuals begin withdrawing emotionally and wanting less sex. Their fear of intimacy and their tendency to avoid it returns. They begin focusing on things that interest them besides the relationship. This drives the physical sexual crazy because he or she interprets the emotional sexual's behavior as implicit rejection and an indication of the partner falling out of love. That makes him or her even more demanding of love, sex, and physical affection, which in turn makes the emotional sexual withdraw even more.
Once both fear responses have kicked in, the situation goes from bad to worse, and the relationship is virtually irretrievable. If they stay together, it will be the emotional sexual who controls the relationship. That's because the physical sexual will sell a large chunk of himself or herself (remember lost selves?) in order to get whatever sex or physical affection the emotional sexual is willing to give. That's why a lot of strong-looking physical sexual males are controlled by weaker-looking wives. A woman who knows how to manipulate that fear of rejection owns her man.
You might imagine that the ideal arrangement would be two of the same type together. This is not so. Two physical sexuals together would be in competition with each other and would act like a couple of divas. They would talk at each other in implications, with neither of them fully understanding the meaning. They would talk over each other and always see rejection in every utterance. It would be an intensely sexual liaison, but their jealousy and possessiveness would create terrible problems. They would always be fighting.
Two emotional sexuals together would soon get very bored with one another. Sex would be nonexistent, and their communication minimal. Their best chance at survival would be if they were to work together. Otherwise, one or both would likely be out looking for an affair just to relieve the boredom.
Concluding this discussion on the sexual self, I would ask you to please remember that these are the extremes. Most of us are either predominantly physical or emotional, but have enough of the other to find balance to a greater or lesser degree. You can probably make a rough assessment of where you are on that scale, which can give you a sufficient idea of your sexual self. Again, you will want to compare this assessment with your authentic self (see Exercise 1) to ensure that there is congruence.
To be continued...
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