PLANTING THE SEEDS OF CODEPENDENCY: Religious Trauma

As I have read the books, listened to podcasts, and explored the world of CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), a common denominator in codependent people is addiction. Not generally their own, although that's not unheard of, but addiction with members of the family. It could be your parents, maybe even a sibling. More often than not, codependency grows from being in a relationship with one who battles addiction. My story couldn't be further from the truth...

I was born in 1967 to very loving parents. I was the second child of what would become four children. My older brother was born a year and a half prior to my entering the world, with my younger brother following nearly a year and a half later, and then by my sister five years after me. Having grown up in a mostly white neighborhood in the suburban outskirts of the Salt Lake Valley, odds stood that I would grow up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints... otherwise known as the Mormons... which I did. 

My mom was born and raised in Bournemouth, England, converting to Mormonism when she turned 18 years of age. My dad grew up on the Mormon faith, his great-grandfather being a 19th Century pioneer that left his family (being disowned by his parents) with only his brother and a few meager possessions, making the harrowing journey across the ocean, then making the long, grueling trek to Salt Lake City, losing his brother... his only flesh and blood in the land he would call home... to Cholera.  

Mormonism was something that ran deep in my father's side of the family. He, himself, grew up in a family of two devoted parents and six children... all boys. The church ran deep through all their veins, each remaining steadfast in the religion throughout their lives. Of the two that are still alive, they, to this day, remain valiant to the cause.

Mormonism was all I knew, growing up. All my friends were Mormon. Most of our neighbors were Mormon. Those neighbors that didn't belong to the church... or were "inactive" members of the church... seemed to be put on a figurative list of people whom we needed to beware. In retrospect, I recognize that a lot of those ideas were probably just things that I put into my own mind, although there were very real issues that would occasionally come up when it came to my siblings and I playing with "non-member" friends. 

Church for a Mormon boy was probably not too dissimilar to that of any other religion. We went to church nearly every Sunday, we had "Primary" for us younger children during the week, usually after school, with various other programs for adult men and women, as well as programs for teenagers of both genders. Like every other religion, we were told that our church was the only true church on the face of the earth. We were taught from an early age to pray... to "bear testimony" of the church... and to work towards our eventual Eternal salvation. The church hierarchy consisted of a Prophet, First Presidency, Quorum of Twelve Apostles and a Quorum of the Seventy (men called to serve different areas of the world). When I was young, all the men serving in these capacities were white. For me, this was the way the world was... Mormon, white and middle class. I didn't have much experience otherwise to lend myself a wider outlook on the world around me.

When I was 10 or 11, I had my first orgasm. What does THIS have to do with anything, you ask? Well, let me explain...

I have a mutant superpower... at least that's what I like to call it... where I can occasionally have non-sexual, flaccid orgasms. It's usually triggered by an upset stomach, often resulting from eating extremely spicy food. I don't remember what ultimately caused my first orgasm, but I remember it very well. I had been watching "Logan's Run" on television, having been an avid fan of all things Science Fiction, since seeing Star Wars when I was 10. I was engrossed in the film, when I felt the uncomfortable sensation of a churning stomach... one that felt like diarrhea was imminent. I pulled myself away from the television and went into the bathroom, sitting down with hopes that I could rid myself of the discomfort I was feeling. Amidst the churning feeling in my stomach, I all of a sudden felt this intense, yet amazing feeling sensation come across me... the likes of which I had never felt before. No sooner had it hit, when the sensations slowly faded away. Nothing else happened. There was no ejaculate... no outward signs of anything out of the ordinary. 

Similar experiences happened again, with no knowledge whatsoever of what was causing it. Eventually, when I was in junior high, I was using in the bathroom with one of those pesky adolescent erections when I stumbled upon a way to trigger that sensation on my own. My method of bringing myself to climax was about as far removed from what one would consider a "normal" way to masturbate, but I didn't know that. Heck, I didn't even know what masturbation was. I was still too young to really understand all that, let alone to actually have any kind of physical reaction to it other than the amazing feeling it brought. I was probably in 7th grade at the time, although the timeline there is fuzzy. 

Once I figured out how to cause that sensation, I started making it a ritual most days after school. My method wasn't normal, but I really had no clue there anything normal about what I was doing. Because it involved my genitalia, I felt like I couldn't tell anybody else about, or even ask my parents what was happening. It was my little secret.

Over time, I penis began secreting a clear liquid when I had these powerful sensations. Keep in mind, I didn't know it was called an orgasm... or that it was anything that anyone else ever experienced. My immediate reaction to the clear liquid that began coming out of my penis was that I had broken it somehow. My initial thought was that I should stop doing what I was doing, but I couldn't. The feeling was that good. 

When I was 12, I became a member of the Aaronic Priesthood in church and was ordained to the office of Deacon, a position typically held in the church by boys between the ages of 12 and 13. During this time, a pamphlet was circulated among the young men of the church that delved into the whole notion that our mind was a "stage" and that when we allowed filth onto our stage, it would cloud our minds and ultimately lead us to "tamper with the factory". The pamphlet continued to warn us about what would happen when we tamped with said factory, that the "little workers" in our factories... the little workers that were busy making our life giving seed... would become overburdened, resulting in them speeding up the process of making that life giving seed. Apparently, that was a bad thing. We were told that our bodies had a natural way of giving off our excess seed (hello, wet dreams!!) and that we should just let our bodies do what they naturally do. Nocturnal emission orgasms were fine, but those brought about by our own "tampering" were not. Easier said than done, for someone who had already made habit of getting that physical sensation.

When I've shared this story with people, as an adult, I'm often asked if my parents never gave me "the talk". My dad did, bless his heart, but it mostly had to do with a diagram of a sperm cell and an egg and the sperm cell fertilizing the egg and...BAM!! Here comes baby!! I didn't really understand it all, but I was beginning to put two and two together about how babies were, in fact, made. When visiting my aunt and uncle, I would often secretively go down to the basement and look in their encyclopedias... looking up penis and vagina and sex and anything that would stimulate me. 

One may read this and think that this story is not all that dissimilar to the stories of other young people, as they begin to explore their own bodies... their sexuality... the things that bring them pleasure. I had no idea, nor would I... for years to come.

As I moved into 9th grade, I noticed that the fluid secreting from my penis during orgasms was becoming more clouded and thick. I was convinced that I had somehow broken it beyond repair, but it was still not anything I felt I could even bring up with my parents. My parents had never done anything to make me fear going to them with such problems, but I literally felt like this was a unique problem and they wouldn't even be able to relate to it, if I tried. 

Around this time, my dad began having "one on one interviews" with all of us children, something that he had been doing as part of his church calling as Elder's Quorum President. I remember vividly the first time that my dad, during one of these one on one interviews, asked me if I knew what masturbation was, and if I did it. I was so unsettled by the question, and even more, worried about what his reaction would be if I were to tell him I was doing it, that I simply looked away and said "no". 

"No". A bold faced lie. Something that I felt was protecting me from his disappointed lecture, and him from having to deal with the perversions of his young son. Little did I know how much impact that moment would have on the rest of my life up until now.

Throughout the rest of my teens, I would regularly go through a cycle of: masturbation - guilt -masturbation - guilt - masturbation - guilt - masturbation - guilt... and so on... and so on... and so on. I didn't experience my first kiss until I was 16... I was a virgin on my wedding day... but I carried a deep seeded guilt about masturbating into adulthood. Truth be told, I felt like I was the only person that masturbated until I was nearly 20 years of age. It wasn't until I was (ironically) on my LDS mission, speaking with a couple of my companions, that I began to believe that others did it, too. We even had a legend in our mission about an Elder Quayle that, when asked by the mission president if he had a problem with "self abuse" (the term used to reference masturbation), Elder Quayle replied by saying, "Yeah, I came on a mission, didn't I?" Whether or not that story is true, I don't know... but the fact that we would regularly be asked by the mission president IF we had a problem with "self abuse" gave me realization that apparently it was more common than I thought. Even as a missionary, I struggled with masturbation. Nothing could stop that physical desire. Not the cold showers suggested by my mission president... not praying... not anything.  

So, here you sit... having read a rather sordid tale of my coming of age and coming to terms with my own sexuality... wondering how in the hell this relates to codependency. Well, let me explain. As denoted in the title, religious trauma is a thing. A very REAL thing. For Catholics, it's usually referred to as "Catholic guilt", something that is often joked about among members of that religion. Mormonism is no different, other than the fact I think most Mormons really try and hide their misdeeds. I recently saw a humorous meme of sorts that was split into two sides... it was referring to Mormons and how (on the left) we won't watch R-rated movies, but (on the right) will belly up to the computer to look at porn without any problems. The sad reality is this is a pretty fair assessment of the culture in Utah. It is common knowledge that Utah ranks #1 in the 50 states for their viewing pornography online. My feelings are that it comes from the sexually repressed lifestyle that so many Mormons live. Even though our actions may not be repressed, we fail to openly acknowledge our behaviors, making much of it "dirty little secrets". 

You're probably STILL wondering how this ties into codependency. Well, let me explain. No, really... let me explain. For those of us who begin codependent behaviors early on, that did NOT come from a family of neglect and/or addiction (neither of which were part of my upbringing), there is a portion of codependent people that begin their codependency by trying to compensate for the shame that they feel on the inside. Simply put, because I felt my behaviors would devastate my parents, potentially causing them a shame of their own, I would compensate other ways... by trying to please them any way I could. 

It wasn't until my revelation of codependency a couple weeks ago... and my subsequent research into it... that I realized that a HUGE component of codependency has to do with "people pleasing"... with going out of your comfort zone to please others, whether coming from a sense of shame about something you have done or are currently doing, or because because you spend your life simply walking on eggshells in your relationships. The latter would ultimately become the reason why codependent behavior became ingrained in my psyche and who I ultimately became as an adult. 

Join me next time as I share my story about becoming a full-on codependent person... married to one of the most codependent people I have ever known. 

Hi. I'm Sean.... and I'm codependent.

So... just over eight years after the previous post on this blog...and I find myself walking in a brand new pair of shoes. Those of a codependent. 

I suppose that previous statement is inaccurate, since it would be safe to say that I've been codependent for most of my life. At least the part of my life that I am going to begin addressing in the following blog posts. The brand new pair of shoes in which I am now walking belong to a new me... a me that recognizes what I am, and what I need to do to change my behaviors to make myself the most genuine and healthy version of me possible. 

Let me begin by addressing some changes that have occurred in my life since my last post in 2011. First, I met and eventually married a woman who I felt was the one true love that would be the person I would grow old with. I met her in 2012, while still in a relationship with another person... a relationship that, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have been in, in the first place. In retrospect, that relationship...albeit a beautiful time in my life... evolved beyond friendship, because I didn't establish boundaries and adhere to them. Truth be told, I probably wouldn't have been at that place in my life, had I established firm boundaries, and given those boundaries the respect and adherence that they deserved. But I didn't know... because I was blissfully unaware to the fact that I was codependent. 

The place in my life that I am referring to is the time between 2010 and 2012, shortly following my departure from a 20 year marriage to a woman that I always felt had codependency issues, but also (unknowingly to me) perpetuated and exacerbated my own codependency issues to the point that it would cripple every relationship to come, including my (second) marriage to Joan. Although my years with Joan will always be years that were full of an intense amount of happiness, love and adventure, my deep seeded issues would eventually lead to the dissolution of what I thought was a love beyond love. Had I only known then, what I know now, I probably would have been able to maintain a more healthy relationship, and probably would have avoided the issues that ultimately caused our marriage to collapse.

My marriage to Joan ended at the middle of July, 2019. We had spent the better part of a year trying to nurse through an act of betrayal on my part... a secretive online flirtation that was brought to light in October of last year. Had that been the first instance in our relationship, we may have been able to work through it.... but, it wasn't. Not only wasn't it the first during my relationship with Joan, but I had several similar issues throughout the last 23 years of my life, beginning 6 years into my marriage with my first wife, Tiffany.

Tiffany is a girl that I barely knew, when we got engaged to be married. And when I say barely, I mean we didn't know each other at all. At the time of our engagement, Tiffany and I only knew each other 3 weeks. During that three weeks, we couldn't seem to keep our hands off each other, once our hands found their way TO each other. Three weeks... that's less time than many Americans get for vacation each year. Three weeks is less time than what we consider the "Holiday Season". Three weeks. 

Truth be told, my parents had been together three weeks, when they got engaged. In their defense, they had known each other longer, having served in the same LDS mission in England. And then there is my older brother, whom, after meeting his (now) wife, was engaged after only three weeks. It just seemed like the thing to do... and not all that uncommon in the world of Mormonism. Given that we are expected to be "chaste" when we get married (presumably in one of the temples), marriage is often rushed, and even MORE often to the detriment of everyone involved. 

From the time that Tiffany and I got engaged, back in September of 1989... 30 years ago this month... I have been in a relationship of some kind or other ever since, at least until Joan and I split in July. For once, my relationship did not end because I was transitioning into another. Had I known what wide array of dynamics are included in codependency, I would have seen the red flags years ago... but I didn't. Until a couple weeks ago, anyhow.

Friday, September 6th was not a typical day for me, from the time I woke up. I had taken the day off to be part of a FanX (Salt Lake's ComicCon) panel that was exploring the music in the movies of John Hughes. I woke up taking care of a few things, before heading to my first appointment of the day, which was a medical appointment to get some FMLA paperwork filled out, because I had taken a "mental health" day just a week or more prior. When I say "mental health" day, I was pretty much curled up in bed crying most of the day. The separation from Joan had been a continuous roller coaster ride of emotions that occasionally resulted in me just needing to let out some emotions. The loss of such a beautiful relationship was something that I had already been grieving for 9 months, let alone coming to the realization that it was, in fact, done. 

On my way to my doctor's appointment, Joan texted me, letting me know that she had been laid off from her job. A job that had defined who she was for the previous year... a job that had been her penultimate job. Something she was not only proud to be part of, but something that she loved doing. She was devastated. Especially since the reason for her being let go was that the owner of the company simply needed to cut back the growth of the company and essentially taking it from the trajectory with which it was heading back to a small time operation. Something he needed to do for his health. Sadly, it had the opposite effect on Joan. Her texts became increasingly dark as the conversation went on, with mentions of life not even being worth living. Joan has a bright light shining in her soul, but also has a very dark place that she would occasionally retreat. This was one of those days. 

For me, I became unsettled and worried about her, wondering how I could help her with her situation. I have always thought of myself as a compassionate person, one that bent over backwards to help my partner. It was a character trait that I was most proud of. 

By time I got to my appointment, I could sense that I was emotionally and physically not feeling normal. I was nervous about my pending appearance at FanX. I was worried for Joan. I was worried that my appointment time wasn't going to end in time for me to safely get to my FanX panel. Unbeknownst to me, I was probably a little dehydrated, as well, which all resulted in what was an unusually high blood pressure for me. I've been taking Lisinopril for my potentially high blood pressure for the better part of a decade. My blood pressure is usually in a very normal range, because of how well the medicine helps manage it. On that particular morning, when the medical assistant took my blood pressure, it was approximately 176/89. The highest (official) reading I had ever had. The M.A. voiced a little concern over that, which I downplayed because of the nervousness I felt inside. When the doctor came into the room, he also voiced concern about it. We had conversation about why it was probably elevated, about my current mental state, and what he needed to put on my FMLA paperwork. All the while, I kept looking at my watch... the minutes passing like a rabbit to my reality's tortoise. I was nearing panic mode. All while trying to voice concerns to the doctor about my life, about how I needed a prescription for Xanax to have as a safety net, for the days when my life seemed to be circling out of control. If I had had anything on my mind, leaving that office, it would have been that the doctor probably felt I was merely in there for prescription medications. He was "generous" enough to give me a prescription for 10 pills, even though I had never finished my previous prescription of 30 from 2 1/2 years prior. 

I miraculously... and I mean MIRACULOUSLY made it to my panel appearance with one minute to spare. I was sweating, exhausted, feeling otherworldly because of the amount of intense stress that I had been experiencing up until that point, but ultimately spent the most relaxed hour of my day during that panel. 

My sister Kristy had attended the panel, and so I spent the next hour with her wandering around the convention, admiring those dressed in their cosplay attire, as well as seeing several celebrities that were there for autograph signing. I saw Billy Zane, a couple guys from Backstreet Boys, the Six Million Dollar Man and even the Bionic Woman, two of my childhood favorites. 

While Kristy and I explored the convention, I was telling her about my morning... and about Joan losing her job. She asked if that was going to impact me in any way, and my mind began to fill with thoughts of concern again. I told her I didn't know, but I also mentioned that I really wanted to help her if I could. Kristy glanced sideways at me and said, "it sounds like codependency." I paused for a minute, then responded with, "Me? Or her?" She then said the most eye-opening words I have ever heard.... "You."

I was taken aback. I couldn't figure out what she was even saying. In my head, I could only think that Tiffany was codependent, not me. Tiffany was the one that still shared a bedroom with our youngest daughter, even when they have a spare bedroom in the town home that they share with Chelsea and her family. Codependency wasn't something that a compassionate friend or lover could ever be guilty of, right? RIGHT?!? 

She proceeded to tell me about the book, "CODEPENDENT NO MORE", by Melody Beattie. How codependency is much more complex than someone who relies too much on others to navigate life... how the very name CO-dependency insinuates that two people depend on each other to deal with life's many challenges... and how, in most cases, the most codependent of us are the people that sacrifice our money, time and even our sanity to help other people. This was all so foreign to me. We continued our discussion over dinner at Red Iguana, and she continued to tell me more about what the book revealed about codependency. 

The next morning, I checked on Spotify, my streaming service of choice, to see if there was anything about codependency. I was elated to find that there was a podcast series that started in 2015 that delved into the many layers and faces of codependency. About how, in most cases, it stems from living in a home where addiction is a factor. Because I didn't come from a home with addiction, I knew I needed to delve deeper into the subject... and that I have.

As of this writing, I have read a novella about establishing healthy boundaries and am currently about a third of the way through the book "Codependent No More". In addition to that, I am about 30 podcast episodes into the "Codependency No More" podcast, and have learned a great many interesting facts about codependency which have helped me to understand where many of my codependent (and other unhealthy) traits came from. I will delve further into those in the coming posts, which ultimately will serve as a journal of sorts, in addition to being a place for me to look at my life... for better or worse. Join me as I come to terms with being the person I am today... as well as see me grow into the person I will be tomorrow.

Words to Live By.... No Matter Who You are!

CHRISTIANITY: All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye so to them; for this is the law and the prophets. (Matthew 7:12)

CONFUCIANISM: Do not do to others what you would not like yourself. Then there will be no resentment against you, either in the family or in the state. (Analects 12:2)

BUDDHISM: Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. (Udana-Varga 5,18)

HINDUISM: This is the sum of duty; do naught onto others what you would not have them do unto you. (Mahabharata 5,15,17)

ISLAM: No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself. (40 Hadith of an-Nawawi 13)

JUDAISM: What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellowman. This is the entire Law; all the rest is commentary. (Talmud, Shabbat 3id)

TAOISM: Regard your neighbor's gain as your gain, and your neighbor's loss as your own loss. (Tai Shang Kan Yin P'ien)

WICCAN: Whatever you send out, to you comes back times three. (The Three-fold Law)

Simply put........ 'nuff said.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 13: THIS IS WHO I AM

This exercise is simple....... in theory. It may not be so easy as I put pen to paper... or fingers to keyboard... but I will do my best. In this exercise, I have been instructed to write a journal entry and write a description of who I am today, listing both my positive and negative attributes. This is going to be interesting...

This is who I am...

Who, exactly is Michael Sean Dahl? In this journey of mortality, who is he compared to the person he was 20 years ago? 10 years ago? A year ago? Let's find out, shall we?

If you have been reading my exercises up to this point, you will know that I am a recently separated father of three girls. I'm LDS (you know... the Mormons). I'm a mostly "left" leaning individual. I'm a drummer (not literally) that walks to the beat of my own drum.

These descriptions may describe me in a few simple words, but they don't really describe the person that I am. In fact, I don't even know if I have truly decided who I am. This past 5 months (the amount of time that has passed since I separated from my wife of 21 years) has been a journey of self-discovery. It has been a time for me to venture out (nearly) on my own and ponder exactly who I am. The reality of my situation is that I am still struggling through that process.

I was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (The Mormons) and have been an active member my entire life. There have been periods where my "activity" may have been a little sub-par, but I have always maintained fairly regular attendance to my meetings. As I reflect back over my life, I have often times been a person that has been in tune with my spiritual and religious upbringing, and other times "not-so-much". I have observed those around me and seen people of all varieties. There are those that were, as we often say, "born into the Church", that always seem to maintain a strong faith in what they believe, and go throughout their lives rarely, if ever, deviating from those things that they were raised to believe. I have witnessed people that, although raised in the LDS Church, just seemed to cruise by, never completely falling away, but never completely immersing themselves in what they believe. I have seen many that, upon reaching adulthood, completely went the opposite direction, taking years and years of what they may have perceived to be some sort of personal "oppression" and completely rebelling from those beliefs, where they set out to consciously (and often subconsciously) do everything in complete opposition of the LDS belief structure. More often than not, I have witnessed people like myself. People that go to church on a near weekly basis, people that cling to their religious beliefs, but people that struggle with their own "demons" in life.

I think that, with the twists and turns that my life has taken over the past several months, I have spent more time seriously reflecting over what I actually believe. I can honestly say that in all these hours of reflection, I still have a very similar belief structure than I did, say...a year ago. Or even 10 years ago. One thing that has changed is how I look at my spiritual belief system. What this means is that where, perhaps many years ago, I used to just "go with the flow", attending meetings, doing things that I have been taught, all without thinking twice about them, NOW I will consciously ponder things. In many cases, I need to dissect things and seek some serious answers to...well... "life, the universe and everything".

To sum up the person that I am now, a big portion of it IS tied to my spiritual life. Religion aside, I have spent the last several years researching different philosophical ideas from other religions (Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism) as well as those ideas from today's contemporary "spiritual teachers", like Eckhart Tolle. With these spiritual teachers, religion is not the central theme (although many of these teachers will quote from teachings of Christ, the Buddha, as well as other key religious figures throughout the ages), but personal betterment and exercises to make the Spirit more in tune with it's purpose in this world. Between my religious upbringing and the spiritual ideas that I have encountered, I have actually forged a more solid idea of who I am as a spiritual being. In essence, it has actually helped me to more fully understand (for myself) all the things that I have been taught over the years.

Really, in respect to my spiritual and religious self, I think the only thing I can surmise is that I do have a definite spiritual belief structure. At the same time, I have also surmised that I don't think I (or anyone else for that matter) will fully understand all there is to know, until I have moved on from this life. The other thing that I have surmised is that I believe that God is an all wise, all knowing and all LOVING being. That He loves each of us individually, regardless of what race, religion, creed or personal background we hail from. I know that in MY life, I have made many mistakes. TOO many mistakes. But, at the same time, I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today without having made many of those mistakes.

Who am I? I'm a spiritual person. I'm a person that is continually falling down, but hopefully pulling myself back up, dusting myself off, and doing my best to avoid tripping in the same spot. I'm a fun-loving person. I love to laugh. I love to be moved emotionally. I love to bask in the positive energy of those that have positive energy to share. I try to love everyone, unconditionally. It's hard... and I often fail... but I try. I am passionate about art, in it's many forms. I love music. I love cinema. I love literature. I love the beauty of the world. I love when it is captured in photographic or painted form. I love being with my friends. I love life. Most of the time.

Who am I? I'm me. I'm like no other. Nor would I want to be.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 12: MAKING THE NEGATIVES POSITIVE

Up to this point, most of the exercises have been an open reflection of the things in my life that I have felt, or do feel, guilty about. Many of the exercises have had a negative feel about them, but it was a necessary thing to do in order to achieve a "self-forgiveness". In this exercises, I will be taking some of the negative things that I have felt guilt or shame about, and turning them into positive things.

Before I proceed, let me remind you of the five steps to transforming negative beliefs, which were previously described in Exercise 10 (Shame). They are:

1. Discover
2. Recognize
3. Evaluate
4. Neutralize
5. Transform

I have spent the two previous exercises going through the first three steps. With this step, it's time to NEUTRALIZE. How we neutralize the negative beliefs is to make them a positive thing. The first thing we need to do with these negative beliefs is to stop giving them energy. One way to successfully accomplish this is to turn these negative things around so that you are able to recognize what you were previously criticized for in a more positive light. For example, if you were criticized for being undisciplined, perhaps it could be seen as evidence of your creative mind and your ability to think laterally and outside the box. By taking this new approach, you diffuse the charge of the original criticism and thereby neutralize the shame-based belief. (Previous example and text taken from, or paraphrased from, RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS by Colin Tipping.

It is also important to remember that recasting these negative qualities or beliefs into a positive attribute is NOT the same thing as making an "affirmation". Many of us may recall the great Saturday Night Live character portrayed by (now Minnesota Senator) Al Franken, Stuart Smalley. The character, Stuart Smalley, was well known for being a sheepish, somewhat insecure character who would continually look into the mirror and speak daily affirmations, trying to convince himself of his positive values and attributes. With positive affirmations, the belief is that if you tell yourself positive messages enough, you will eventually believe them to be true. It never happens that way.

According to Colin Tipping, affirmations are very weak because they reside in your conscious mind and are, in effect, just another form of denial. The negative belief that you are trying to eliminate with your affirmation is fully alive in the subconscious mind and is many times more powerful than your affirmation, and it never gives way easily. When the chips are down and the belief gets activated, it will simply brush the affirmation aside.

So, the only surefire way to turn these negatives around, is to cast them into a positive light.

I will list some of my personal examples mentioned in the previous exercises and, this time around, cast them in a positive light.

As I mentioned in Exercise 9 (Guilt), probably my greatest negative belief (and associated guilt) is that of abandonment.... leaving my wife after twenty years of marriage. I know for a fact that I have been harshly judged by people that knew us, because they simply look at me as a guy who walked away from his family. I try not to take these criticisms too personally, as nobody really understands the situation except for those that walk in MY shoes, or the shoes of my estranged wife. For me, I have experienced a plethora of emotions over the past five months, ranging from relief to sadness to extreme guilt to happiness to peace to loneliness to anger. It has been a difficult several months, and I know that there are many more difficult months ahead, especially as I move closer to the finalization of divorce.

One thing that has acted as a comforting thought to me and, in reality, one of the major catalysts for my leaving Tiffany, is the fact that I honestly feel that Tiffany will eventually become a stronger, happier, more independent person. A person that she couldn't become as long as she was living under my shadow. I honestly see her blooming into an incredibly confident person, something that she has struggled to become all of her life. So, I feel that it was necessary to walk out on my marriage because I honestly feel that it is the only way Tiffany will reach her greatest potential, and happiness in life.

Another negative that may be attached to me is that of being "less spiritual" than other people of my religious background. In my church, there are many disciplined values that we strive to live by, and I sometimes fall short. My honest belief is that most people in my church fall short, but some try and hide it by putting on an air of self righteousness. My positive spin on my personal "falling short" is that I feel that I am a person who is exercising the "free agency" (that I believe to be the most important facet of this mortal life) by exploring things of a spiritual nature outside of the sometimes closed off belief system practiced by so many of my religious background. I don't think of myself as an evil person and I most certainly don't think of myself as a wicked person. I think of myself as a mortal person who has my own set of trials that I need to deal with, hopefully overcoming them in a way that will make me a stronger person. In my exploration of other spiritual belief systems, I have taken the positive messages that I have learned and incorporate them into my Mormon beliefs, creating a more solidified belief in the teachings and example of Christ, who is the "Author and Finisher of my Faith". By doing so, I feel that I have gained a greater acceptance and understanding of all my human brothers and sisters... much more than I would have garnered from simply ingesting all the things that were, for lack of a better description, "shoved down my throat" by some of the more conservative thinking members of my church.

As I reflect over my life, I don't think there are too many things that have cast a negative light on the person that I have become. If there were two biggies, it would be the ones mentioned. I know that they are the two that could really have a negative impact on who I am IF I didn't attach the positive beliefs to them. As a result of making these negatives a positive thing, I feel that I am not only a good enough person, but that I honestly am trying to make a positive difference in others' lives as well. I hope this turns out to be the case.

It is my hope that IF you have negatives in your life that have taken a toll on you reaching your greatest potential, that you will be able to find positive aspects to those things that some may view as a negative trait. It will do wonders for your progression in life, not to mention your overall happiness.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 11: TRUE/FALSE NEGATIVE CORE BELIEFS

In Exercise 10, I identified my "shame-based core negative beliefs". In this exercise, I need to go through two steps which will conclude with me recognizing and rating my "True/False Core Negative Beliefs". First, let me explain a few things to get us to that point.

To begin, we must recognize where we get most of our "core negative beliefs". In most cases, we get these beliefs from our parents. Parents, bless their hearts, are broken people, too. They, like us, stumble through this life making mistakes, (hopefully) learning from those mistakes, and eventually becoming better people. Parenthood is a most difficult thing, as we are thrust into it with little to no preparation. The only preparation we have is our own life experiences and, if we are lucky, the occasional class to help prepare us for parenthood. However, even in those cases, being a parent to a doll, egg or bag of flour is hardly the preparation that we really need.

There are many ways that we cultivate core negative beliefs from our parents. Parents inevitably rear their children with the same set of values and morals, codes of behavior, skills, attitudes, prejudices, dreams, thought habits, and so on to their children. Reflecting on my own childhood, I can say that I was born into a warm, loving home. I grew up with two parents who, although having the occasional disagreement, loved each other. They were, and still are, a very religious, faith promoting couple. They instilled in me a core set of beliefs and morals that helped create the man I am today. However, because of my inherent weaknesses (some of which I described in Exercise 9), it also assisted in creating "core negative beliefs". I felt like I was a bad person. I felt like I was a filthy person. I felt like I was nowhere near the person that they wanted me to be. Keep in mind that these thoughts were of my own volition and (for the most part) NOT thrust upon me by my parents. To me, it has always been amusing when I talk candidly with my parents and they share stories about their own lives that simply reiterate the fact that we ALL have our own problems to deal with.

An example of some of these core beliefs that we may have learned from our parents... or rather, had described to us by our parents, would be things like being told we are untidy, lazy, lacking ambition, unintelligent, antisocial, uncaring, etc.
In reality, we may have been told these things in a moment of weakness for our parents, when they simply commented out of frustration. I know that in my life as a parent, I have been guilty of that too many times to count. Over the past few months, especially recently, I have mentally played over the past 20 years of my life,... over... and over... and over. I have asked myself what I did right... and what I did wrong. I look at the relationship that I have with my three daughters. I need to continually remind myself that I did the best I could, and that my daughters, like myself, are broken people, struggling to make sense of their own lives. If anyone is to ever try and convince you that the people your children become is based entirely on how they are raised, I say RUBBISH! My wife and I raised our three daughters in the same house, with nearly identical standards, and they have all turned out to be completely different from one another. The core of what we are is based on how we were made. Our genetic structure. So many different variables go into the formation of a baby, and each of us, even though coming from (in most cases) the same gene pool, are very different human beings.

The second step in this exercise, and the thing we need to remember, is that we must EVALUATE our negative core beliefs and remind ourselves that these are not inherently bad things. People may look at our behaviors as being bad, but it is THEIR problem, NOT ours. The problem is in their judging. Nobody lives a life free of criticism. If we spend our lives worrying about the criticism that comes from other people (trust me, this is one of my greatest weaknesses), we will forever be stuck in a rut of self-pity. We won't be able to break the shackles of negativity that keep us bound.

In evaluating my negative core beliefs, I need to go back to the list of qualities that I considered to be my "Authentic Self" (Exercise 1) and separate those things that are actually ME, and those things that were thrust upon me, whether by my parents, teachers, church leaders, etc. Some of our "negative core beliefs" are simply who we are. Now, when I say this, I am by no means saying that we should just sit back and continue doing the negative things that we do, but we should by no means (mentally and emotionally) beat ourselves up over them.

In this exercise, I am going to list some of the negative core beliefs that I mentioned in Exercise 10, and list some of them that I feel were cast upon me by others, whether by my parents, teachers, bosses or church leaders. After doing so, I will ask myself this question: which of these would I lay claim to as being either true or at least partially true as an honest description of how I am NOW? I will give them a rating on a scale of 1-100 of how much truth it holds, where 100 = 100% true.

• I have to be perfect to be loved. (20) I honestly don't think that I need to be perfect to be loved, although I did spend a great amount of my life thinking that, at least with my father, his demeanor towards me was greatly affected by the way I acted. The sad reality of this, is that I have become the same father. I love my girls, but I know my behavior towards them is greatly determined by how they are living their lives. It's not intentional, but it happens. Just another thing that I need to work on...
  

• I have to struggle/work hard for everything. (60) I have always lived in a middle class home where we didn't have much excess money. My parents made sure that we had wonderful memories from camping trips, vacations, etc., but we never had the latest fashionable clothes or the finest things like some of the other kids did. My parents, bless their hearts, did their best. I have come to learn that my success in life depends on my work ethic. My first job out of high school was for a very strict, anal retentive boss. He expected perfection and IF we didn't meet his expectations, we heard about it. I have always taken that work ethic into account, and know that I will never be handed my success. If success is even the word to describe my middle-class, blue collar life.
  
• I never quite measure up. (80) This outlook on my life is all too real. I think it has to do, for the most part, with my religious upbringing. That and the very conservative nature of my father. I have often felt like I am not nearly the person that my siblings are, although I know we have all had our trials in life. I think the heaviest moment I have ever encountered, in regards to this subject, was at my uncle's funeral a month ago. The entire meeting was filled with kind words about a successful, incredibly spiritual man, by his children, who have all grown up to be like individuals. Gazing at the extended family around me, I felt so.... so.... imperfect. My marriage is in shambles, thanks in part to me.... at least one of my children stands at the precipice of having an extremely "difficult" life, of which I also take partial blame....each day I am reminded of how I fall short to the greatness of my ancestry... and I hardly feel like I'm measuring up to anything great.
  
• I can never do it right. (60) I struggled some with this, throughout my life. I remember as a child that I was often referred to as "heavy handed", as I would often break things that were fragile, or damage my parents' belongings in some way. I felt like I did okay in school, receiving accolades from teachers (certificate awards, etc.), but was never 100% confident in my abilities to do achieve greatness. When it came to sports at school, I had NO confidence in my abilities. I did not grow up playing any kind of sports, and knew that had nowhere near the abilities of the other boys.
• I'm always left out of everything. (30) My parents never excluded me from anything, but as stated in the previous statement, when it came to any kind of athletic events at school, or with my friends, I always felt excluded. In the grand scheme of things, I would say that it only affected 30% of my life.
  
• Something must be wrong with me. (20) Where my own psyche was extremely brutal in this regard (see Exercise 9: Guilt), I have rarely been made to feel like I had something wrong with me. Yes, I occasionally felt like I was a disappointing child (although this was just my interpretation). The 20% would stem from the occasional body language that I, to this day, get from my father. I can't blame him, as I manifest
  
• I am spiritually flawed. (30) This is yet another area where I, myself, was my worst enemy. I was the one that put the "spiritually flawed" levels to nearly 100. However, as far as my parents and church leaders are concerned, I didn't get too much of it. Yes, there was some.... especially in regards to "the factory". And, unfortunately, that was a very crucial 30% in regards to how I felt about myself, as an adolescent.

To sum up my life, there have been some things that I absorbed from my parents and leaders that had a negative impact on my life... or, at the very least, my mental interpretation of my life. My parents were, and are, wonderful people. My dad is still not the kind of person that exudes much in the way of joy and pride, when it comes to my achievements in life. As for employment, I work for the Postal Service.... this pretty much means that there will be little to no recognition for any good work that I do, but I will surely hear about the bad. I don't let that affect me too much, however. In regards to my spirituality, I know that I have a lot of exploring to do. I maintain a belief in my basic religious/spiritual structure, although I often question the way those in my religion may cast judgment on others, when Christ, himself, has told us not to judge. I know that I need to cast off the chains of shame and guilt that I have often dragged around, like Jacob Marley in Dickens' A CHRISTMAS CAROL. Many of these things are the basis on which I am going through this process. I have done so many things in my life of which I am not proud. Things that I may always regret. I need to do everything in my power to utilize these steps, to let them go, and then turn my life around to the point where I become the kind, loving father that my children need. I need to be the friend to my (soon-to-be) ex-wife that she needs me to be. I need to show loving kindness to everyone around me. I need to continue to grow spiritually, following the example of Christ in each and every step. It's a lot to do... but, utilizing "baby steps", it's something I can achieve.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 10: SHAME

This next exercise is regarding shame.... shame being guilt's little brother. To further illustrate the close relationship between guilt and shame, I will quote from the book "Radical Self-Forgiveness", by Colin Tipping.

To be shamed is to be made to feel worthless, bad, undeserving, less than, and simply no good. The result of being consistently and severely shamed is a feeling of considerable self-loathing.

The saboteur self is also always looking for opportunities to create problems for us by defending some of our shame-based, core negative beliefs about ourselves, such as, "I am worthless," "I am bad," "I am no good", and so on.

In his book, Mr. Tipping also shares the five steps in the process of transforming your core negative beliefs. These are:

1. Discover
2. Recognize
3. Evaluate
4. Neutralize
5. Transform

This exercise will deal with me discovering my core negative beliefs. Most people are aware of their core negative beliefs. One of the worst things we can do is play these core beliefs over and over in our minds, convincing ourselves that we are actually what we "think" we are.

For beliefs that are more deeply buried in the subconscious mind, we might have to do some real detective work to uncover them completely. One way to uncover what we subconsciously feel about ourselves is to observe what is actually showing up in our lives. Life will always mirror your beliefs for you, no matter what they are. Here are a couple of examples:

Observation: I don't have much of anything in my life.
Likely belief: I am not deserving of nor worthy of it.

Observation: I always seem to screw things up.
Likely belief: I can never do it right.

Also, through the Law of Attraction, you will attract people into your life who will treat you exactly in accordance with these beliefs. This helps even more in discovering what they are. For example:

Observation: People seem not to notice me.
Likely Belief: I am invisible.

Observation: People are always trying to change me.
Likely Belief: I am not okay the way I am.

Observation: My relationships never last long.
Likely Belief: I am unlovable.

The exercise which I am going to do, is take from a list included in the book, RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS, and list things that I feel may be Core Negative Beliefs that are buried within me. The things that I list may seem a little negative... well... they are ALL negative (after all, they ARE Core Negative Beliefs) and will seem a little sad, but like so many people in this world, I do have beliefs that I struggle with.

I was raised in a good home, by good parents, but always seemed to struggle with self-esteem issues...at least during the early part of my life. I was always the last kid to get picked for sports teams, when I was in Jr. High. I had no desire to play any kind of sports, because I felt that I would be a failure at whatever I did. I always felt like I wasn't one of the cool kids, and struggled to settle into an attitude that I was never going to be as cool as some of the other kids. Also, as stated in my last post (Guilt), I struggled with feelings of filthiness, because of habits that I had as an adolescent. Even today, I struggle with minor insecurities that probably stem from Core Negative Beliefs. Allow me to list a few:

• I have to be perfect to be loved.
• I have to struggle/work hard for everything.
• I never quite measure up.
• Others are more important than me.
• I can never do it right.
• I don't deserve love.
• I'm always left out of everything.
• I'll never be good enough.
• Something must be wrong with me.
• I'll never be a success.
• It's not safe to be me.
• I am spiritually flawed.

I need to point out that several of the items on the list are things that have plagued me during the earlier parts of my life, and that several of the things listed are things that haunt me today. Although most people don't openly talk about negative feelings that they may have for themselves, it is my belief that most of us struggle with similar things. This life is a proving ground to try and overcome things that my "hold us back".

I have made many mistakes in my life. I will continue to make more. I have struggled with feelings of little self-worth, and I may even occasionally battle similar thoughts. When I wake up in the morning, I want to be a better, stronger, more loving person than I was the day before. If I can make it a goal to shed my Core Negative Beliefs and embrace the good qualities that I know I have, I can attain that goal. It's my hope that we can all do likewise.