Hi. I'm Sean.... and I'm codependent.

So... just over eight years after the previous post on this blog...and I find myself walking in a brand new pair of shoes. Those of a codependent. 

I suppose that previous statement is inaccurate, since it would be safe to say that I've been codependent for most of my life. At least the part of my life that I am going to begin addressing in the following blog posts. The brand new pair of shoes in which I am now walking belong to a new me... a me that recognizes what I am, and what I need to do to change my behaviors to make myself the most genuine and healthy version of me possible. 

Let me begin by addressing some changes that have occurred in my life since my last post in 2011. First, I met and eventually married a woman who I felt was the one true love that would be the person I would grow old with. I met her in 2012, while still in a relationship with another person... a relationship that, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have been in, in the first place. In retrospect, that relationship...albeit a beautiful time in my life... evolved beyond friendship, because I didn't establish boundaries and adhere to them. Truth be told, I probably wouldn't have been at that place in my life, had I established firm boundaries, and given those boundaries the respect and adherence that they deserved. But I didn't know... because I was blissfully unaware to the fact that I was codependent. 

The place in my life that I am referring to is the time between 2010 and 2012, shortly following my departure from a 20 year marriage to a woman that I always felt had codependency issues, but also (unknowingly to me) perpetuated and exacerbated my own codependency issues to the point that it would cripple every relationship to come, including my (second) marriage to Joan. Although my years with Joan will always be years that were full of an intense amount of happiness, love and adventure, my deep seeded issues would eventually lead to the dissolution of what I thought was a love beyond love. Had I only known then, what I know now, I probably would have been able to maintain a more healthy relationship, and probably would have avoided the issues that ultimately caused our marriage to collapse.

My marriage to Joan ended at the middle of July, 2019. We had spent the better part of a year trying to nurse through an act of betrayal on my part... a secretive online flirtation that was brought to light in October of last year. Had that been the first instance in our relationship, we may have been able to work through it.... but, it wasn't. Not only wasn't it the first during my relationship with Joan, but I had several similar issues throughout the last 23 years of my life, beginning 6 years into my marriage with my first wife, Tiffany.

Tiffany is a girl that I barely knew, when we got engaged to be married. And when I say barely, I mean we didn't know each other at all. At the time of our engagement, Tiffany and I only knew each other 3 weeks. During that three weeks, we couldn't seem to keep our hands off each other, once our hands found their way TO each other. Three weeks... that's less time than many Americans get for vacation each year. Three weeks is less time than what we consider the "Holiday Season". Three weeks. 

Truth be told, my parents had been together three weeks, when they got engaged. In their defense, they had known each other longer, having served in the same LDS mission in England. And then there is my older brother, whom, after meeting his (now) wife, was engaged after only three weeks. It just seemed like the thing to do... and not all that uncommon in the world of Mormonism. Given that we are expected to be "chaste" when we get married (presumably in one of the temples), marriage is often rushed, and even MORE often to the detriment of everyone involved. 

From the time that Tiffany and I got engaged, back in September of 1989... 30 years ago this month... I have been in a relationship of some kind or other ever since, at least until Joan and I split in July. For once, my relationship did not end because I was transitioning into another. Had I known what wide array of dynamics are included in codependency, I would have seen the red flags years ago... but I didn't. Until a couple weeks ago, anyhow.

Friday, September 6th was not a typical day for me, from the time I woke up. I had taken the day off to be part of a FanX (Salt Lake's ComicCon) panel that was exploring the music in the movies of John Hughes. I woke up taking care of a few things, before heading to my first appointment of the day, which was a medical appointment to get some FMLA paperwork filled out, because I had taken a "mental health" day just a week or more prior. When I say "mental health" day, I was pretty much curled up in bed crying most of the day. The separation from Joan had been a continuous roller coaster ride of emotions that occasionally resulted in me just needing to let out some emotions. The loss of such a beautiful relationship was something that I had already been grieving for 9 months, let alone coming to the realization that it was, in fact, done. 

On my way to my doctor's appointment, Joan texted me, letting me know that she had been laid off from her job. A job that had defined who she was for the previous year... a job that had been her penultimate job. Something she was not only proud to be part of, but something that she loved doing. She was devastated. Especially since the reason for her being let go was that the owner of the company simply needed to cut back the growth of the company and essentially taking it from the trajectory with which it was heading back to a small time operation. Something he needed to do for his health. Sadly, it had the opposite effect on Joan. Her texts became increasingly dark as the conversation went on, with mentions of life not even being worth living. Joan has a bright light shining in her soul, but also has a very dark place that she would occasionally retreat. This was one of those days. 

For me, I became unsettled and worried about her, wondering how I could help her with her situation. I have always thought of myself as a compassionate person, one that bent over backwards to help my partner. It was a character trait that I was most proud of. 

By time I got to my appointment, I could sense that I was emotionally and physically not feeling normal. I was nervous about my pending appearance at FanX. I was worried for Joan. I was worried that my appointment time wasn't going to end in time for me to safely get to my FanX panel. Unbeknownst to me, I was probably a little dehydrated, as well, which all resulted in what was an unusually high blood pressure for me. I've been taking Lisinopril for my potentially high blood pressure for the better part of a decade. My blood pressure is usually in a very normal range, because of how well the medicine helps manage it. On that particular morning, when the medical assistant took my blood pressure, it was approximately 176/89. The highest (official) reading I had ever had. The M.A. voiced a little concern over that, which I downplayed because of the nervousness I felt inside. When the doctor came into the room, he also voiced concern about it. We had conversation about why it was probably elevated, about my current mental state, and what he needed to put on my FMLA paperwork. All the while, I kept looking at my watch... the minutes passing like a rabbit to my reality's tortoise. I was nearing panic mode. All while trying to voice concerns to the doctor about my life, about how I needed a prescription for Xanax to have as a safety net, for the days when my life seemed to be circling out of control. If I had had anything on my mind, leaving that office, it would have been that the doctor probably felt I was merely in there for prescription medications. He was "generous" enough to give me a prescription for 10 pills, even though I had never finished my previous prescription of 30 from 2 1/2 years prior. 

I miraculously... and I mean MIRACULOUSLY made it to my panel appearance with one minute to spare. I was sweating, exhausted, feeling otherworldly because of the amount of intense stress that I had been experiencing up until that point, but ultimately spent the most relaxed hour of my day during that panel. 

My sister Kristy had attended the panel, and so I spent the next hour with her wandering around the convention, admiring those dressed in their cosplay attire, as well as seeing several celebrities that were there for autograph signing. I saw Billy Zane, a couple guys from Backstreet Boys, the Six Million Dollar Man and even the Bionic Woman, two of my childhood favorites. 

While Kristy and I explored the convention, I was telling her about my morning... and about Joan losing her job. She asked if that was going to impact me in any way, and my mind began to fill with thoughts of concern again. I told her I didn't know, but I also mentioned that I really wanted to help her if I could. Kristy glanced sideways at me and said, "it sounds like codependency." I paused for a minute, then responded with, "Me? Or her?" She then said the most eye-opening words I have ever heard.... "You."

I was taken aback. I couldn't figure out what she was even saying. In my head, I could only think that Tiffany was codependent, not me. Tiffany was the one that still shared a bedroom with our youngest daughter, even when they have a spare bedroom in the town home that they share with Chelsea and her family. Codependency wasn't something that a compassionate friend or lover could ever be guilty of, right? RIGHT?!? 

She proceeded to tell me about the book, "CODEPENDENT NO MORE", by Melody Beattie. How codependency is much more complex than someone who relies too much on others to navigate life... how the very name CO-dependency insinuates that two people depend on each other to deal with life's many challenges... and how, in most cases, the most codependent of us are the people that sacrifice our money, time and even our sanity to help other people. This was all so foreign to me. We continued our discussion over dinner at Red Iguana, and she continued to tell me more about what the book revealed about codependency. 

The next morning, I checked on Spotify, my streaming service of choice, to see if there was anything about codependency. I was elated to find that there was a podcast series that started in 2015 that delved into the many layers and faces of codependency. About how, in most cases, it stems from living in a home where addiction is a factor. Because I didn't come from a home with addiction, I knew I needed to delve deeper into the subject... and that I have.

As of this writing, I have read a novella about establishing healthy boundaries and am currently about a third of the way through the book "Codependent No More". In addition to that, I am about 30 podcast episodes into the "Codependency No More" podcast, and have learned a great many interesting facts about codependency which have helped me to understand where many of my codependent (and other unhealthy) traits came from. I will delve further into those in the coming posts, which ultimately will serve as a journal of sorts, in addition to being a place for me to look at my life... for better or worse. Join me as I come to terms with being the person I am today... as well as see me grow into the person I will be tomorrow.