Words to Live By.... No Matter Who You are!

CHRISTIANITY: All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye so to them; for this is the law and the prophets. (Matthew 7:12)

CONFUCIANISM: Do not do to others what you would not like yourself. Then there will be no resentment against you, either in the family or in the state. (Analects 12:2)

BUDDHISM: Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. (Udana-Varga 5,18)

HINDUISM: This is the sum of duty; do naught onto others what you would not have them do unto you. (Mahabharata 5,15,17)

ISLAM: No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself. (40 Hadith of an-Nawawi 13)

JUDAISM: What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellowman. This is the entire Law; all the rest is commentary. (Talmud, Shabbat 3id)

TAOISM: Regard your neighbor's gain as your gain, and your neighbor's loss as your own loss. (Tai Shang Kan Yin P'ien)

WICCAN: Whatever you send out, to you comes back times three. (The Three-fold Law)

Simply put........ 'nuff said.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 13: THIS IS WHO I AM

This exercise is simple....... in theory. It may not be so easy as I put pen to paper... or fingers to keyboard... but I will do my best. In this exercise, I have been instructed to write a journal entry and write a description of who I am today, listing both my positive and negative attributes. This is going to be interesting...

This is who I am...

Who, exactly is Michael Sean Dahl? In this journey of mortality, who is he compared to the person he was 20 years ago? 10 years ago? A year ago? Let's find out, shall we?

If you have been reading my exercises up to this point, you will know that I am a recently separated father of three girls. I'm LDS (you know... the Mormons). I'm a mostly "left" leaning individual. I'm a drummer (not literally) that walks to the beat of my own drum.

These descriptions may describe me in a few simple words, but they don't really describe the person that I am. In fact, I don't even know if I have truly decided who I am. This past 5 months (the amount of time that has passed since I separated from my wife of 21 years) has been a journey of self-discovery. It has been a time for me to venture out (nearly) on my own and ponder exactly who I am. The reality of my situation is that I am still struggling through that process.

I was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (The Mormons) and have been an active member my entire life. There have been periods where my "activity" may have been a little sub-par, but I have always maintained fairly regular attendance to my meetings. As I reflect back over my life, I have often times been a person that has been in tune with my spiritual and religious upbringing, and other times "not-so-much". I have observed those around me and seen people of all varieties. There are those that were, as we often say, "born into the Church", that always seem to maintain a strong faith in what they believe, and go throughout their lives rarely, if ever, deviating from those things that they were raised to believe. I have witnessed people that, although raised in the LDS Church, just seemed to cruise by, never completely falling away, but never completely immersing themselves in what they believe. I have seen many that, upon reaching adulthood, completely went the opposite direction, taking years and years of what they may have perceived to be some sort of personal "oppression" and completely rebelling from those beliefs, where they set out to consciously (and often subconsciously) do everything in complete opposition of the LDS belief structure. More often than not, I have witnessed people like myself. People that go to church on a near weekly basis, people that cling to their religious beliefs, but people that struggle with their own "demons" in life.

I think that, with the twists and turns that my life has taken over the past several months, I have spent more time seriously reflecting over what I actually believe. I can honestly say that in all these hours of reflection, I still have a very similar belief structure than I did, say...a year ago. Or even 10 years ago. One thing that has changed is how I look at my spiritual belief system. What this means is that where, perhaps many years ago, I used to just "go with the flow", attending meetings, doing things that I have been taught, all without thinking twice about them, NOW I will consciously ponder things. In many cases, I need to dissect things and seek some serious answers to...well... "life, the universe and everything".

To sum up the person that I am now, a big portion of it IS tied to my spiritual life. Religion aside, I have spent the last several years researching different philosophical ideas from other religions (Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism) as well as those ideas from today's contemporary "spiritual teachers", like Eckhart Tolle. With these spiritual teachers, religion is not the central theme (although many of these teachers will quote from teachings of Christ, the Buddha, as well as other key religious figures throughout the ages), but personal betterment and exercises to make the Spirit more in tune with it's purpose in this world. Between my religious upbringing and the spiritual ideas that I have encountered, I have actually forged a more solid idea of who I am as a spiritual being. In essence, it has actually helped me to more fully understand (for myself) all the things that I have been taught over the years.

Really, in respect to my spiritual and religious self, I think the only thing I can surmise is that I do have a definite spiritual belief structure. At the same time, I have also surmised that I don't think I (or anyone else for that matter) will fully understand all there is to know, until I have moved on from this life. The other thing that I have surmised is that I believe that God is an all wise, all knowing and all LOVING being. That He loves each of us individually, regardless of what race, religion, creed or personal background we hail from. I know that in MY life, I have made many mistakes. TOO many mistakes. But, at the same time, I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today without having made many of those mistakes.

Who am I? I'm a spiritual person. I'm a person that is continually falling down, but hopefully pulling myself back up, dusting myself off, and doing my best to avoid tripping in the same spot. I'm a fun-loving person. I love to laugh. I love to be moved emotionally. I love to bask in the positive energy of those that have positive energy to share. I try to love everyone, unconditionally. It's hard... and I often fail... but I try. I am passionate about art, in it's many forms. I love music. I love cinema. I love literature. I love the beauty of the world. I love when it is captured in photographic or painted form. I love being with my friends. I love life. Most of the time.

Who am I? I'm me. I'm like no other. Nor would I want to be.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 12: MAKING THE NEGATIVES POSITIVE

Up to this point, most of the exercises have been an open reflection of the things in my life that I have felt, or do feel, guilty about. Many of the exercises have had a negative feel about them, but it was a necessary thing to do in order to achieve a "self-forgiveness". In this exercises, I will be taking some of the negative things that I have felt guilt or shame about, and turning them into positive things.

Before I proceed, let me remind you of the five steps to transforming negative beliefs, which were previously described in Exercise 10 (Shame). They are:

1. Discover
2. Recognize
3. Evaluate
4. Neutralize
5. Transform

I have spent the two previous exercises going through the first three steps. With this step, it's time to NEUTRALIZE. How we neutralize the negative beliefs is to make them a positive thing. The first thing we need to do with these negative beliefs is to stop giving them energy. One way to successfully accomplish this is to turn these negative things around so that you are able to recognize what you were previously criticized for in a more positive light. For example, if you were criticized for being undisciplined, perhaps it could be seen as evidence of your creative mind and your ability to think laterally and outside the box. By taking this new approach, you diffuse the charge of the original criticism and thereby neutralize the shame-based belief. (Previous example and text taken from, or paraphrased from, RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS by Colin Tipping.

It is also important to remember that recasting these negative qualities or beliefs into a positive attribute is NOT the same thing as making an "affirmation". Many of us may recall the great Saturday Night Live character portrayed by (now Minnesota Senator) Al Franken, Stuart Smalley. The character, Stuart Smalley, was well known for being a sheepish, somewhat insecure character who would continually look into the mirror and speak daily affirmations, trying to convince himself of his positive values and attributes. With positive affirmations, the belief is that if you tell yourself positive messages enough, you will eventually believe them to be true. It never happens that way.

According to Colin Tipping, affirmations are very weak because they reside in your conscious mind and are, in effect, just another form of denial. The negative belief that you are trying to eliminate with your affirmation is fully alive in the subconscious mind and is many times more powerful than your affirmation, and it never gives way easily. When the chips are down and the belief gets activated, it will simply brush the affirmation aside.

So, the only surefire way to turn these negatives around, is to cast them into a positive light.

I will list some of my personal examples mentioned in the previous exercises and, this time around, cast them in a positive light.

As I mentioned in Exercise 9 (Guilt), probably my greatest negative belief (and associated guilt) is that of abandonment.... leaving my wife after twenty years of marriage. I know for a fact that I have been harshly judged by people that knew us, because they simply look at me as a guy who walked away from his family. I try not to take these criticisms too personally, as nobody really understands the situation except for those that walk in MY shoes, or the shoes of my estranged wife. For me, I have experienced a plethora of emotions over the past five months, ranging from relief to sadness to extreme guilt to happiness to peace to loneliness to anger. It has been a difficult several months, and I know that there are many more difficult months ahead, especially as I move closer to the finalization of divorce.

One thing that has acted as a comforting thought to me and, in reality, one of the major catalysts for my leaving Tiffany, is the fact that I honestly feel that Tiffany will eventually become a stronger, happier, more independent person. A person that she couldn't become as long as she was living under my shadow. I honestly see her blooming into an incredibly confident person, something that she has struggled to become all of her life. So, I feel that it was necessary to walk out on my marriage because I honestly feel that it is the only way Tiffany will reach her greatest potential, and happiness in life.

Another negative that may be attached to me is that of being "less spiritual" than other people of my religious background. In my church, there are many disciplined values that we strive to live by, and I sometimes fall short. My honest belief is that most people in my church fall short, but some try and hide it by putting on an air of self righteousness. My positive spin on my personal "falling short" is that I feel that I am a person who is exercising the "free agency" (that I believe to be the most important facet of this mortal life) by exploring things of a spiritual nature outside of the sometimes closed off belief system practiced by so many of my religious background. I don't think of myself as an evil person and I most certainly don't think of myself as a wicked person. I think of myself as a mortal person who has my own set of trials that I need to deal with, hopefully overcoming them in a way that will make me a stronger person. In my exploration of other spiritual belief systems, I have taken the positive messages that I have learned and incorporate them into my Mormon beliefs, creating a more solidified belief in the teachings and example of Christ, who is the "Author and Finisher of my Faith". By doing so, I feel that I have gained a greater acceptance and understanding of all my human brothers and sisters... much more than I would have garnered from simply ingesting all the things that were, for lack of a better description, "shoved down my throat" by some of the more conservative thinking members of my church.

As I reflect over my life, I don't think there are too many things that have cast a negative light on the person that I have become. If there were two biggies, it would be the ones mentioned. I know that they are the two that could really have a negative impact on who I am IF I didn't attach the positive beliefs to them. As a result of making these negatives a positive thing, I feel that I am not only a good enough person, but that I honestly am trying to make a positive difference in others' lives as well. I hope this turns out to be the case.

It is my hope that IF you have negatives in your life that have taken a toll on you reaching your greatest potential, that you will be able to find positive aspects to those things that some may view as a negative trait. It will do wonders for your progression in life, not to mention your overall happiness.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 11: TRUE/FALSE NEGATIVE CORE BELIEFS

In Exercise 10, I identified my "shame-based core negative beliefs". In this exercise, I need to go through two steps which will conclude with me recognizing and rating my "True/False Core Negative Beliefs". First, let me explain a few things to get us to that point.

To begin, we must recognize where we get most of our "core negative beliefs". In most cases, we get these beliefs from our parents. Parents, bless their hearts, are broken people, too. They, like us, stumble through this life making mistakes, (hopefully) learning from those mistakes, and eventually becoming better people. Parenthood is a most difficult thing, as we are thrust into it with little to no preparation. The only preparation we have is our own life experiences and, if we are lucky, the occasional class to help prepare us for parenthood. However, even in those cases, being a parent to a doll, egg or bag of flour is hardly the preparation that we really need.

There are many ways that we cultivate core negative beliefs from our parents. Parents inevitably rear their children with the same set of values and morals, codes of behavior, skills, attitudes, prejudices, dreams, thought habits, and so on to their children. Reflecting on my own childhood, I can say that I was born into a warm, loving home. I grew up with two parents who, although having the occasional disagreement, loved each other. They were, and still are, a very religious, faith promoting couple. They instilled in me a core set of beliefs and morals that helped create the man I am today. However, because of my inherent weaknesses (some of which I described in Exercise 9), it also assisted in creating "core negative beliefs". I felt like I was a bad person. I felt like I was a filthy person. I felt like I was nowhere near the person that they wanted me to be. Keep in mind that these thoughts were of my own volition and (for the most part) NOT thrust upon me by my parents. To me, it has always been amusing when I talk candidly with my parents and they share stories about their own lives that simply reiterate the fact that we ALL have our own problems to deal with.

An example of some of these core beliefs that we may have learned from our parents... or rather, had described to us by our parents, would be things like being told we are untidy, lazy, lacking ambition, unintelligent, antisocial, uncaring, etc.
In reality, we may have been told these things in a moment of weakness for our parents, when they simply commented out of frustration. I know that in my life as a parent, I have been guilty of that too many times to count. Over the past few months, especially recently, I have mentally played over the past 20 years of my life,... over... and over... and over. I have asked myself what I did right... and what I did wrong. I look at the relationship that I have with my three daughters. I need to continually remind myself that I did the best I could, and that my daughters, like myself, are broken people, struggling to make sense of their own lives. If anyone is to ever try and convince you that the people your children become is based entirely on how they are raised, I say RUBBISH! My wife and I raised our three daughters in the same house, with nearly identical standards, and they have all turned out to be completely different from one another. The core of what we are is based on how we were made. Our genetic structure. So many different variables go into the formation of a baby, and each of us, even though coming from (in most cases) the same gene pool, are very different human beings.

The second step in this exercise, and the thing we need to remember, is that we must EVALUATE our negative core beliefs and remind ourselves that these are not inherently bad things. People may look at our behaviors as being bad, but it is THEIR problem, NOT ours. The problem is in their judging. Nobody lives a life free of criticism. If we spend our lives worrying about the criticism that comes from other people (trust me, this is one of my greatest weaknesses), we will forever be stuck in a rut of self-pity. We won't be able to break the shackles of negativity that keep us bound.

In evaluating my negative core beliefs, I need to go back to the list of qualities that I considered to be my "Authentic Self" (Exercise 1) and separate those things that are actually ME, and those things that were thrust upon me, whether by my parents, teachers, church leaders, etc. Some of our "negative core beliefs" are simply who we are. Now, when I say this, I am by no means saying that we should just sit back and continue doing the negative things that we do, but we should by no means (mentally and emotionally) beat ourselves up over them.

In this exercise, I am going to list some of the negative core beliefs that I mentioned in Exercise 10, and list some of them that I feel were cast upon me by others, whether by my parents, teachers, bosses or church leaders. After doing so, I will ask myself this question: which of these would I lay claim to as being either true or at least partially true as an honest description of how I am NOW? I will give them a rating on a scale of 1-100 of how much truth it holds, where 100 = 100% true.

• I have to be perfect to be loved. (20) I honestly don't think that I need to be perfect to be loved, although I did spend a great amount of my life thinking that, at least with my father, his demeanor towards me was greatly affected by the way I acted. The sad reality of this, is that I have become the same father. I love my girls, but I know my behavior towards them is greatly determined by how they are living their lives. It's not intentional, but it happens. Just another thing that I need to work on...
  

• I have to struggle/work hard for everything. (60) I have always lived in a middle class home where we didn't have much excess money. My parents made sure that we had wonderful memories from camping trips, vacations, etc., but we never had the latest fashionable clothes or the finest things like some of the other kids did. My parents, bless their hearts, did their best. I have come to learn that my success in life depends on my work ethic. My first job out of high school was for a very strict, anal retentive boss. He expected perfection and IF we didn't meet his expectations, we heard about it. I have always taken that work ethic into account, and know that I will never be handed my success. If success is even the word to describe my middle-class, blue collar life.
  
• I never quite measure up. (80) This outlook on my life is all too real. I think it has to do, for the most part, with my religious upbringing. That and the very conservative nature of my father. I have often felt like I am not nearly the person that my siblings are, although I know we have all had our trials in life. I think the heaviest moment I have ever encountered, in regards to this subject, was at my uncle's funeral a month ago. The entire meeting was filled with kind words about a successful, incredibly spiritual man, by his children, who have all grown up to be like individuals. Gazing at the extended family around me, I felt so.... so.... imperfect. My marriage is in shambles, thanks in part to me.... at least one of my children stands at the precipice of having an extremely "difficult" life, of which I also take partial blame....each day I am reminded of how I fall short to the greatness of my ancestry... and I hardly feel like I'm measuring up to anything great.
  
• I can never do it right. (60) I struggled some with this, throughout my life. I remember as a child that I was often referred to as "heavy handed", as I would often break things that were fragile, or damage my parents' belongings in some way. I felt like I did okay in school, receiving accolades from teachers (certificate awards, etc.), but was never 100% confident in my abilities to do achieve greatness. When it came to sports at school, I had NO confidence in my abilities. I did not grow up playing any kind of sports, and knew that had nowhere near the abilities of the other boys.
• I'm always left out of everything. (30) My parents never excluded me from anything, but as stated in the previous statement, when it came to any kind of athletic events at school, or with my friends, I always felt excluded. In the grand scheme of things, I would say that it only affected 30% of my life.
  
• Something must be wrong with me. (20) Where my own psyche was extremely brutal in this regard (see Exercise 9: Guilt), I have rarely been made to feel like I had something wrong with me. Yes, I occasionally felt like I was a disappointing child (although this was just my interpretation). The 20% would stem from the occasional body language that I, to this day, get from my father. I can't blame him, as I manifest
  
• I am spiritually flawed. (30) This is yet another area where I, myself, was my worst enemy. I was the one that put the "spiritually flawed" levels to nearly 100. However, as far as my parents and church leaders are concerned, I didn't get too much of it. Yes, there was some.... especially in regards to "the factory". And, unfortunately, that was a very crucial 30% in regards to how I felt about myself, as an adolescent.

To sum up my life, there have been some things that I absorbed from my parents and leaders that had a negative impact on my life... or, at the very least, my mental interpretation of my life. My parents were, and are, wonderful people. My dad is still not the kind of person that exudes much in the way of joy and pride, when it comes to my achievements in life. As for employment, I work for the Postal Service.... this pretty much means that there will be little to no recognition for any good work that I do, but I will surely hear about the bad. I don't let that affect me too much, however. In regards to my spirituality, I know that I have a lot of exploring to do. I maintain a belief in my basic religious/spiritual structure, although I often question the way those in my religion may cast judgment on others, when Christ, himself, has told us not to judge. I know that I need to cast off the chains of shame and guilt that I have often dragged around, like Jacob Marley in Dickens' A CHRISTMAS CAROL. Many of these things are the basis on which I am going through this process. I have done so many things in my life of which I am not proud. Things that I may always regret. I need to do everything in my power to utilize these steps, to let them go, and then turn my life around to the point where I become the kind, loving father that my children need. I need to be the friend to my (soon-to-be) ex-wife that she needs me to be. I need to show loving kindness to everyone around me. I need to continue to grow spiritually, following the example of Christ in each and every step. It's a lot to do... but, utilizing "baby steps", it's something I can achieve.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 10: SHAME

This next exercise is regarding shame.... shame being guilt's little brother. To further illustrate the close relationship between guilt and shame, I will quote from the book "Radical Self-Forgiveness", by Colin Tipping.

To be shamed is to be made to feel worthless, bad, undeserving, less than, and simply no good. The result of being consistently and severely shamed is a feeling of considerable self-loathing.

The saboteur self is also always looking for opportunities to create problems for us by defending some of our shame-based, core negative beliefs about ourselves, such as, "I am worthless," "I am bad," "I am no good", and so on.

In his book, Mr. Tipping also shares the five steps in the process of transforming your core negative beliefs. These are:

1. Discover
2. Recognize
3. Evaluate
4. Neutralize
5. Transform

This exercise will deal with me discovering my core negative beliefs. Most people are aware of their core negative beliefs. One of the worst things we can do is play these core beliefs over and over in our minds, convincing ourselves that we are actually what we "think" we are.

For beliefs that are more deeply buried in the subconscious mind, we might have to do some real detective work to uncover them completely. One way to uncover what we subconsciously feel about ourselves is to observe what is actually showing up in our lives. Life will always mirror your beliefs for you, no matter what they are. Here are a couple of examples:

Observation: I don't have much of anything in my life.
Likely belief: I am not deserving of nor worthy of it.

Observation: I always seem to screw things up.
Likely belief: I can never do it right.

Also, through the Law of Attraction, you will attract people into your life who will treat you exactly in accordance with these beliefs. This helps even more in discovering what they are. For example:

Observation: People seem not to notice me.
Likely Belief: I am invisible.

Observation: People are always trying to change me.
Likely Belief: I am not okay the way I am.

Observation: My relationships never last long.
Likely Belief: I am unlovable.

The exercise which I am going to do, is take from a list included in the book, RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS, and list things that I feel may be Core Negative Beliefs that are buried within me. The things that I list may seem a little negative... well... they are ALL negative (after all, they ARE Core Negative Beliefs) and will seem a little sad, but like so many people in this world, I do have beliefs that I struggle with.

I was raised in a good home, by good parents, but always seemed to struggle with self-esteem issues...at least during the early part of my life. I was always the last kid to get picked for sports teams, when I was in Jr. High. I had no desire to play any kind of sports, because I felt that I would be a failure at whatever I did. I always felt like I wasn't one of the cool kids, and struggled to settle into an attitude that I was never going to be as cool as some of the other kids. Also, as stated in my last post (Guilt), I struggled with feelings of filthiness, because of habits that I had as an adolescent. Even today, I struggle with minor insecurities that probably stem from Core Negative Beliefs. Allow me to list a few:

• I have to be perfect to be loved.
• I have to struggle/work hard for everything.
• I never quite measure up.
• Others are more important than me.
• I can never do it right.
• I don't deserve love.
• I'm always left out of everything.
• I'll never be good enough.
• Something must be wrong with me.
• I'll never be a success.
• It's not safe to be me.
• I am spiritually flawed.

I need to point out that several of the items on the list are things that have plagued me during the earlier parts of my life, and that several of the things listed are things that haunt me today. Although most people don't openly talk about negative feelings that they may have for themselves, it is my belief that most of us struggle with similar things. This life is a proving ground to try and overcome things that my "hold us back".

I have made many mistakes in my life. I will continue to make more. I have struggled with feelings of little self-worth, and I may even occasionally battle similar thoughts. When I wake up in the morning, I want to be a better, stronger, more loving person than I was the day before. If I can make it a goal to shed my Core Negative Beliefs and embrace the good qualities that I know I have, I can attain that goal. It's my hope that we can all do likewise.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 9: GUILT

Guilt is something that we, as healthy human beings, should have. If we didn't experience guilt, we would be as handicapped as one who didn't feel fear. If we didn't ever feel a sense of fear, we would continually put our lives in danger by doing things that normal people would deem crazy. If we didn't experience guilt, we would be capable of committing any number of atrocities that would not only hurt other people, but ourselves as well.

However, where guilt is a normal, healthy emotion, there are also forms of guilt that are unhealthy. I will take a few minutes to discuss the different types of guilt that we may experience in our lives...

First, let me discuss "anticipatory guilt". As the name would indicate, this is a guilt that would hopefully prevent you from doing something that would cause you to feel remorse down the road. A good analogy is that of cheating on one's spouse or partner. Although we may feel "tempted" to stray because of a physical or emotional attraction that we are feeling for another person, in most cases, our conscience tells us that this is wrong. Even if one isn't religious (in most religions, such an act would be clearly deemed as immoral), our moral code in society would indicate to us that proceeding with this act might be damaging. With our conscience enabling us with "anticipatory guilt", and depending on the amount of guilt that we might feel, we either proceed with the act or we don't. For many, the guilt would simply be too much to bear.

"Retrospective guilt" is that guilt that we feel after we have done something "wrong". There is no recovering from it - the deed is done. This would be the typical guilt that one feels after wronging another person, stealing something, breaking a law, or breaking a "moral" code that may be attached to one's religious beliefs.

Retrospective guilt can be broken into two different types of guilt... Appropriate Retrospective Guilt and Inappropriate Retrospective Guilt. An example of APPROPRIATE retrospective guilt would be when have intentionally done something to hurt somebody else. We may have intentionally broken an agreement. Or, in a more tragic scenario, we may have gotten drunk, decided it was okay to drive, and then proceeded to hit and kill someone in a motor vehicle accident.

An example of INAPPROPRIATE retrospective guilt would be when a cyclist swerves directly in front of our vehicle without any warning, and we strike and kill him because there was no way to avoid hitting him. It would be totally reasonable to feel sad and regret, of course... but NOT guilty.

Another form of inappropriate guilt is what is commonly referred to as "survivor's guilt". An example of this might be when a soldier fighting in a battle is the only one to survive when all of the other soldiers in his unit die. He might ask, "Why me? Why did I live?" He may feel a sense of guilt that everyone else died and he didn't.

Another inappropriate guilt is "guilt by association". A common form of this is when a young person continually finds himself in trouble and the parent of the young person feels a sense of guilt and shame for the child's behavior. This is a codependent behavior and one that we, as parents, should stay away from.

So, now that we have discussed some of the varying forms of guilt, let's move on to Exercise #8.

EXERCISE #8: How entitled am I to my guilt?

In this exercise, I am going to list several things from my past that I feel guilty about. After recognizing those things that cause me to feel a sense of guilt, I will rate it on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being incredible guilt, 1 being a minimal amount of guilt. After I have rated the guilt, I will then try and determine what percentage of my guilt is "appropriate" and what percentage is "inappropriate".

Be forewarned that this may possibly be uncomfortable for you, the reader. Rest assured that it is going to be far more uncomfortable for me, the writer. I am going to open up about some things that may be considered a little sensitive in nature. If this disturbs you, feel free to go find a blog that deals with scrapbooking or recipes.

And so, we begin...

GUILT #1: TAMPERING WITH THE FACTORY

Okay, let me be honest... this guilt was an immense guilt when I was younger, but now... well... not so much.

I'm assuming that some of you are probably wondering what I'm talking about... "tampering with the factory". Let me explain. I grew up LDS (Mormon). When I was younger, we would occasionally be shown a film strip that talked about the "moral" guidelines with which we were to follow. Our bodies were likened to a factory that produced a life creating substance. Our factories would create their product and release any excess product on it's own accord. We were not to tamper with the factory, for if we did, the factory would speed up production, and we would complicate it's normal output. Not to mention, we'd go blind and/or get hairy palms. Okay... I added that last sentence, but everything else was in the film strip.

Let me say that I began tampering with my factory long before I even knew what I was doing. My factory wasn't even producing anything at that point. My factory must have been unionized and the workers were really lazy, or it didn't actually have a physical product. I had no clue what I was doing, all I knew was that when I did something, it felt really, really good.

Fast forward another year or two, when I finally learn about the factory... and learn that my tampering is not an approved activity within the moral guidelines of my church. We've all heard of "Catholic guilt"... well... in my honest opinion, I don't think it holds a candle to Mormon guilt. For years and years I tried to stop my tampering. I couldn't. For years and years I beat myself up, mentally. I felt like I was broken. Like I was a sick pervert that was a freak of nature. It honestly wasn't until I was an adult and had the topic come up in conversation, that I actually found out that most of my peers had been doing it. Whether or not they were beating themselves up like I had, I do not know, but what I DO know is that I spent the better part of ten years having a guilt inside of me that would probably have ranked at least an 8 or 9, out of a possible 10.

How much of that guilt was "appropriate"? Well... from a religious standpoint, probably 100%. From a sociological standpoint? Probably 0%. It all depends on your moral compass... and what criteria impacts your moral compass. For me, it was my religion.

The reason why I even brought up this personal problem of my childhood is to illustrate how crippling guilt can be. I literally spent a big chunk of my adolescence... between the ages of 11 or 12 to (literally) about the time I got married, feeling like I was "dirty" and "broken" and "evil". It wasn't healthy for me. It truly impacted my happiness as a young person. I don't think that people deserve to carry around that kind of guilt... especially at the expense of their self esteem. That being said, let me move on to my next guilt...

Guilt #2: UNPAID DEBT

The next sources of guilt are closely related, both involving unpaid debt. The first was when we were experiencing some extreme financial hardship and borrowed $300.00 from our teenage babysitter. She had the money saved and offered to lend it to us. We took her up on the offer, with the total intention of paying her back. As the weeks turned to months, we never did have the excess money to pay her back. We eventually moved and had received word that her mother was livid with us for taking advantage of her daughter, and understandably so. To this day, it haunts me. I need to track her down and repay her the money that I owe her... if not to clear my conscience, then at least to do the proper thing.

The second money related guilt was when a friend of mine asked for my assistance in selling a box full of compact discs that he had been given. I did as he asked and ended up receiving a total of $200.00 and failed to give him the $100 that I owed him. At the time, my friend was (and still is) a very successful business man, and we were struggling financially. I intended to get him the money, but needed it for our own needs, at the time. As would often happen in my life, intentions to pay are often brushed under the carpet, as we never seem to have had the excess money to repay the debt. He ended up moving out of the neighborhood, and I have yet to repay him. Again, it is something that I intend to do.

Guilt #3:ABANDONMENT

My greatest guilt in life comes from the events leading up to and culminating in the events of October 25, 2010. At approximately 8:00 PM on the evening of Monday, October 25, 2010, I walked out on my marriage of nearly 21 years. This was not a sudden impulse, but something that had years in the making. In my opinion, it was probably 21 years in the making. First, let me express my feelings that Tiffany, my estranged wife (I hate saying that, but it is the most accurate description), is a wonderful person. She is a funny, sweet person that unfortunately is plagued by demons from her childhood. She has suffered from insecurity most of her life, which laid the foundation for the hurt that was to come. I don't blame her, but the environment from which she came.

In 1996, six years into our marriage, I had become "comfortably numb" with our relationship. It was the early days of the internet, and after being reminded several times that our daughters were Tiffany's main source of happiness, I found myself becoming emotionally attached to other people on the internet. It was a new world, and the excitement and happy emotions that could be found there were like an emotional rebirth for me. In the end, not only did I hurt those that I had become close to, but I had betrayed Tiffany and caused her great pain.

Let me pause to discuss the "guilt factor" that I felt because of my betrayal to Tiffany. In hindsight, I don't remember feeling a terrible amount of guilt. Yes, I did feel guilt that I had hurt Tiffany, but at the same time I must have justified things by thinking that I was driven to those emotional connections. What guilt I had would definitely be considered "appropriate" guilt. I deserved to feel guilty, considering what I did.

Now, let me get back to the story. Tiffany and I tried to work through the hurt and tried to mend our marriage through counseling and focusing on our marriage. It worked... most of the time. On occasion, the insecurities would rear it's ugly head. In addition to the insecurity, because of the hurt that I caused Tiffany, she had built a protective emotional wall to keep her from getting hurt again. Because of this emotional wall, she and I were never able to share the emotional bond that married couples need. There were the occasional times that she would lower her defenses and I would feel a love between us, but more often than not the wall was in place, protecting her from the potential of more emotional abuse. Because of the emotional barrier that stood between us, it opened the door for further emotional betrayal. Over the course of the last 14 years, I would often find myself bonding with other people. It was a Catch 22.... I hurt Tiffany, she builds a barrier to protect herself, which just set her up to be hurt again.

During the last year of our marriage, I had begun to reflect on the state of our marriage. I began to sense the enormity of that barrier that stood between us. I felt like there was no way that we would ever have a happy, healthy relationship as long as she and I couldn't bond with one another. I also felt that our personalities were harmful to each other, mainly because of the insecurities that plagued Tiffany. Again, I reiterate... I do NOT blame Tiffany for any of this. Bless her heart, she has been seeking therapy to overcome the damage that had been caused at such a young age.

Another bad side effect of the insecurities was that I was not able to truly act myself. Because of my extremely outgoing personality, I often felt like it would only fuel Tiffany's insecurities. I honestly feel that now that Tiffany is on her own, she will be able to reach her greatest potential as a human being and child of God. It is my religious belief and personal philosophy that we are on this earth to be tested and to grow and progress from the trials that each of us face. I honestly feel that I hindered Tiffany's ability to truly grow to her greatest potential. In the end, I want to be the best of friends with her. I want to help her overcome her insecurities and not feed them. I care for her very deeply, but honestly feel like she has the potential to become a much happier person without me.

At this point, I would also like to interject my feelings about "guilt" vs. "remorse". For the past four months I have been feeling extreme amounts of guilt about leaving Tiffany. This guilt is fueled by the often judgmental comments of former friends and people from my former church congregation. I always find it ironic that some of the people who proclaim to be Christian are also the first to judge. So much for the Lord's commandment to judge not, lest we be judged. I often hear the term "abandonment" floating around amongst the critics, which fuel my feelings of guilt. I can vividly see the expression on Tiffany's face, the night I left. The look of shock, turned to anger, turned to sadness. To this day, when I get in certain moods, my eyes will fill with tears as I replay the heartbreaking events of that night. I knew, however, that after 14 years (from the time of my initial emotional betrayal), we were not close to overcoming that barrier that was built between us.

Should I feel guilt? Perhaps. In hindsight, I believe that a guilt felt from not being a 100% devoted husband is "appropriate". Do I think that it would be healthy for me to hold on to that guilt? No. Here is where I think "remorse" may be a healthier emotion to deal with. Remorse is a natural emotion to feel when we have hurt someone. The thing with remorse, is that time will hopefully heal those wounds. I know that in time Tiffany will learn to love herself the way she should. I hope that someday soon she will be able to look in the mirror and see the special person that I saw so many times. I hope that she will be able to set the wheels in motion to achieve her personal goals, such as going to school, becoming an independent, successful person and eventually finding a person that she can truly open her heart to... one that won't hurt her, in return.

As for me, I will continue to feel guilt. It's nothing I can run away from. It is the reason why I am going through these exercises. Why I have been working my way through "Radical Self-Forgiveness". Why I have been striving for the "Consciousness Cleanse". Deep down inside, I am happier now than I have ever been. I see myself as a good person. I just hate to see the hurt that I have caused someone I care about. It can't be undone. I will continue to show Tiffany that I do care for her, and will do everything in my power to help her in her life to come.

I know that she and I will BOTH be able to reach a greater potential as friends, rather than dysfunctional partners. As Tiffany begins to see things from my perspective, which I hope she eventually can, my feelings of guilt will diminish and eventually fade into nothingness. I want nothing more than for her to be emotionally healthy. I want to be her friend. I want to see both our lives become more fruitful and free from hurt.

Yes, guilt has played a big part in my life. Sometimes good.... many times not. It is my hope that we each can evaluate our own lives, and figure out for ourselves which guilt is "appropriate", and which guilt is not. And the guilt that isn't... well... it's time to get rid of it and think about self-forgiveness.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 8: IDENTIFYING MY SEXUAL SELF (Part 2)

That, my friends, is some intense stuff. A psychologists... ummm.... nocturnal emission. This essay describing the differences between physical and emotional sexuals has really made me think about what I am, and how it has affected the relationships that I have been in over the years....keeping in mind that the bulk of this relationship experience was my 21 year marriage that I have recently left (I will address this in a moment), I have also been reflecting previous relationships, although they were not as sexual as my marriage.

Before I venture into my relationships, let me share my personal analysis of what I am. According to the plethora of descriptions from both sides of the fence, I have concluded that I lean more on the "emotional sexual" side of things, but am probably in the healthy range of 60/40, emotional sexual being the predominant side. I may even venture to say that it could be a 65/35 split. Allow me to list a few of the factors that led me to this conclusion. First, I have always been somewhat of an introvert, and part of that may be due to the fact that I have never been completely secure in my physical appearance. Socially, I can be introverted, as well as from a sexual point of view. I do not flaunt my sexuality One may suggest that this would be because of my religious background, but I honestly don't think that I would be any different if there was not a religious affiliation in my personal life. Although I went through an adolescent phase where I dressed to draw attention to myself, it was not in a sexual way.

Another item mentioned on the list that resonated with me is the fact that emotional sexuals "feel their feelings inwardly and process them mentally. They seldom express feelings outwardly and do not like to show physical affection in public." In regards to these things, I have never been one to express my feelings outwardly. I can be an open book at times, but from a sexual point of view, I do not express many of my feelings outwardly. As for PDA (not the Personal Digital Assistant, but the dreaded Public Display of Affection), I love holding hands... but that is about as far as it goes. I am not one of those people that can sit in a movie theater and make out... although I did do that a time or two, when I was a teenager. Just don't tell my parents... they'd be very disappointed in me.

For the most part, I feel that I am well balanced between the two lists. My family life is important, but is not all consuming. My career is fairly important to me, but I would not risk relationships in order to climb any company ladders. I also feel that my sexuality is healthy in the fact that I do not depend on it to validate myself. To me, sex is simply a way for two people to deepen their emotional bond... and... if I can be bold, a way for two people to enhance their physical lives.

I know firsthand that it is extremely difficult for two people to have a happy, healthy love life if they don't fit together like puzzle pieces... at least as far as their sexual selves are concerned. I know that I am not a good match for someone who depends on sexuality to validate themselves. Sex can't be a game... unless both parties involved want to turn it into a game on their own accord. To each his/her own... know what I'm sayin'?

To close this extensive post, let me just say that this portion of the Radical Self-Forgiveness was eye opening. It has helped me understand the needs that some people have. It has given me some clear cut things to look for in a prospective partner, as I eventually work my way back into marriage. I have a better idea if I would be a good match with another, based on some very simple criteria... much of which isn't sexual in the least bit. It has also given me a deeper appreciation for the power and importance of therapy in our lives... especially if we are someone that has been through a traumatic life experience that has indefinitely caused our sexual self to be pushed out of whack. Most of us are probably acquainted with someone who was molested as a child. That kind of trauma will usually always cause irreparable damage to the victim, unless they seek help. Some close themselves off, sexually.... others become hyper-sexual. Sexuality, in general, is a very fascinating thing...and also a very fragile eco-system (for lack of a better word).

I hope that the words mentioned earlier have assisted in opening your mind to some of the things that affect our relationships, both on a personal level and a sexual level. If you are like me, the things listed in the book will hopefully help you in all of your social relationships, but specifically as you seek out a compatible mate. Even if you have been married for 15 years, this may help you to better understand your partner's needs. Because, heaven knows... if you can take care of your partner's emotional needs, then they will take care of your physical needs. ;-)