Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 13: THIS IS WHO I AM

This exercise is simple....... in theory. It may not be so easy as I put pen to paper... or fingers to keyboard... but I will do my best. In this exercise, I have been instructed to write a journal entry and write a description of who I am today, listing both my positive and negative attributes. This is going to be interesting...

This is who I am...

Who, exactly is Michael Sean Dahl? In this journey of mortality, who is he compared to the person he was 20 years ago? 10 years ago? A year ago? Let's find out, shall we?

If you have been reading my exercises up to this point, you will know that I am a recently separated father of three girls. I'm LDS (you know... the Mormons). I'm a mostly "left" leaning individual. I'm a drummer (not literally) that walks to the beat of my own drum.

These descriptions may describe me in a few simple words, but they don't really describe the person that I am. In fact, I don't even know if I have truly decided who I am. This past 5 months (the amount of time that has passed since I separated from my wife of 21 years) has been a journey of self-discovery. It has been a time for me to venture out (nearly) on my own and ponder exactly who I am. The reality of my situation is that I am still struggling through that process.

I was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (The Mormons) and have been an active member my entire life. There have been periods where my "activity" may have been a little sub-par, but I have always maintained fairly regular attendance to my meetings. As I reflect back over my life, I have often times been a person that has been in tune with my spiritual and religious upbringing, and other times "not-so-much". I have observed those around me and seen people of all varieties. There are those that were, as we often say, "born into the Church", that always seem to maintain a strong faith in what they believe, and go throughout their lives rarely, if ever, deviating from those things that they were raised to believe. I have witnessed people that, although raised in the LDS Church, just seemed to cruise by, never completely falling away, but never completely immersing themselves in what they believe. I have seen many that, upon reaching adulthood, completely went the opposite direction, taking years and years of what they may have perceived to be some sort of personal "oppression" and completely rebelling from those beliefs, where they set out to consciously (and often subconsciously) do everything in complete opposition of the LDS belief structure. More often than not, I have witnessed people like myself. People that go to church on a near weekly basis, people that cling to their religious beliefs, but people that struggle with their own "demons" in life.

I think that, with the twists and turns that my life has taken over the past several months, I have spent more time seriously reflecting over what I actually believe. I can honestly say that in all these hours of reflection, I still have a very similar belief structure than I did, say...a year ago. Or even 10 years ago. One thing that has changed is how I look at my spiritual belief system. What this means is that where, perhaps many years ago, I used to just "go with the flow", attending meetings, doing things that I have been taught, all without thinking twice about them, NOW I will consciously ponder things. In many cases, I need to dissect things and seek some serious answers to...well... "life, the universe and everything".

To sum up the person that I am now, a big portion of it IS tied to my spiritual life. Religion aside, I have spent the last several years researching different philosophical ideas from other religions (Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism) as well as those ideas from today's contemporary "spiritual teachers", like Eckhart Tolle. With these spiritual teachers, religion is not the central theme (although many of these teachers will quote from teachings of Christ, the Buddha, as well as other key religious figures throughout the ages), but personal betterment and exercises to make the Spirit more in tune with it's purpose in this world. Between my religious upbringing and the spiritual ideas that I have encountered, I have actually forged a more solid idea of who I am as a spiritual being. In essence, it has actually helped me to more fully understand (for myself) all the things that I have been taught over the years.

Really, in respect to my spiritual and religious self, I think the only thing I can surmise is that I do have a definite spiritual belief structure. At the same time, I have also surmised that I don't think I (or anyone else for that matter) will fully understand all there is to know, until I have moved on from this life. The other thing that I have surmised is that I believe that God is an all wise, all knowing and all LOVING being. That He loves each of us individually, regardless of what race, religion, creed or personal background we hail from. I know that in MY life, I have made many mistakes. TOO many mistakes. But, at the same time, I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today without having made many of those mistakes.

Who am I? I'm a spiritual person. I'm a person that is continually falling down, but hopefully pulling myself back up, dusting myself off, and doing my best to avoid tripping in the same spot. I'm a fun-loving person. I love to laugh. I love to be moved emotionally. I love to bask in the positive energy of those that have positive energy to share. I try to love everyone, unconditionally. It's hard... and I often fail... but I try. I am passionate about art, in it's many forms. I love music. I love cinema. I love literature. I love the beauty of the world. I love when it is captured in photographic or painted form. I love being with my friends. I love life. Most of the time.

Who am I? I'm me. I'm like no other. Nor would I want to be.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 12: MAKING THE NEGATIVES POSITIVE

Up to this point, most of the exercises have been an open reflection of the things in my life that I have felt, or do feel, guilty about. Many of the exercises have had a negative feel about them, but it was a necessary thing to do in order to achieve a "self-forgiveness". In this exercises, I will be taking some of the negative things that I have felt guilt or shame about, and turning them into positive things.

Before I proceed, let me remind you of the five steps to transforming negative beliefs, which were previously described in Exercise 10 (Shame). They are:

1. Discover
2. Recognize
3. Evaluate
4. Neutralize
5. Transform

I have spent the two previous exercises going through the first three steps. With this step, it's time to NEUTRALIZE. How we neutralize the negative beliefs is to make them a positive thing. The first thing we need to do with these negative beliefs is to stop giving them energy. One way to successfully accomplish this is to turn these negative things around so that you are able to recognize what you were previously criticized for in a more positive light. For example, if you were criticized for being undisciplined, perhaps it could be seen as evidence of your creative mind and your ability to think laterally and outside the box. By taking this new approach, you diffuse the charge of the original criticism and thereby neutralize the shame-based belief. (Previous example and text taken from, or paraphrased from, RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS by Colin Tipping.

It is also important to remember that recasting these negative qualities or beliefs into a positive attribute is NOT the same thing as making an "affirmation". Many of us may recall the great Saturday Night Live character portrayed by (now Minnesota Senator) Al Franken, Stuart Smalley. The character, Stuart Smalley, was well known for being a sheepish, somewhat insecure character who would continually look into the mirror and speak daily affirmations, trying to convince himself of his positive values and attributes. With positive affirmations, the belief is that if you tell yourself positive messages enough, you will eventually believe them to be true. It never happens that way.

According to Colin Tipping, affirmations are very weak because they reside in your conscious mind and are, in effect, just another form of denial. The negative belief that you are trying to eliminate with your affirmation is fully alive in the subconscious mind and is many times more powerful than your affirmation, and it never gives way easily. When the chips are down and the belief gets activated, it will simply brush the affirmation aside.

So, the only surefire way to turn these negatives around, is to cast them into a positive light.

I will list some of my personal examples mentioned in the previous exercises and, this time around, cast them in a positive light.

As I mentioned in Exercise 9 (Guilt), probably my greatest negative belief (and associated guilt) is that of abandonment.... leaving my wife after twenty years of marriage. I know for a fact that I have been harshly judged by people that knew us, because they simply look at me as a guy who walked away from his family. I try not to take these criticisms too personally, as nobody really understands the situation except for those that walk in MY shoes, or the shoes of my estranged wife. For me, I have experienced a plethora of emotions over the past five months, ranging from relief to sadness to extreme guilt to happiness to peace to loneliness to anger. It has been a difficult several months, and I know that there are many more difficult months ahead, especially as I move closer to the finalization of divorce.

One thing that has acted as a comforting thought to me and, in reality, one of the major catalysts for my leaving Tiffany, is the fact that I honestly feel that Tiffany will eventually become a stronger, happier, more independent person. A person that she couldn't become as long as she was living under my shadow. I honestly see her blooming into an incredibly confident person, something that she has struggled to become all of her life. So, I feel that it was necessary to walk out on my marriage because I honestly feel that it is the only way Tiffany will reach her greatest potential, and happiness in life.

Another negative that may be attached to me is that of being "less spiritual" than other people of my religious background. In my church, there are many disciplined values that we strive to live by, and I sometimes fall short. My honest belief is that most people in my church fall short, but some try and hide it by putting on an air of self righteousness. My positive spin on my personal "falling short" is that I feel that I am a person who is exercising the "free agency" (that I believe to be the most important facet of this mortal life) by exploring things of a spiritual nature outside of the sometimes closed off belief system practiced by so many of my religious background. I don't think of myself as an evil person and I most certainly don't think of myself as a wicked person. I think of myself as a mortal person who has my own set of trials that I need to deal with, hopefully overcoming them in a way that will make me a stronger person. In my exploration of other spiritual belief systems, I have taken the positive messages that I have learned and incorporate them into my Mormon beliefs, creating a more solidified belief in the teachings and example of Christ, who is the "Author and Finisher of my Faith". By doing so, I feel that I have gained a greater acceptance and understanding of all my human brothers and sisters... much more than I would have garnered from simply ingesting all the things that were, for lack of a better description, "shoved down my throat" by some of the more conservative thinking members of my church.

As I reflect over my life, I don't think there are too many things that have cast a negative light on the person that I have become. If there were two biggies, it would be the ones mentioned. I know that they are the two that could really have a negative impact on who I am IF I didn't attach the positive beliefs to them. As a result of making these negatives a positive thing, I feel that I am not only a good enough person, but that I honestly am trying to make a positive difference in others' lives as well. I hope this turns out to be the case.

It is my hope that IF you have negatives in your life that have taken a toll on you reaching your greatest potential, that you will be able to find positive aspects to those things that some may view as a negative trait. It will do wonders for your progression in life, not to mention your overall happiness.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 11: TRUE/FALSE NEGATIVE CORE BELIEFS

In Exercise 10, I identified my "shame-based core negative beliefs". In this exercise, I need to go through two steps which will conclude with me recognizing and rating my "True/False Core Negative Beliefs". First, let me explain a few things to get us to that point.

To begin, we must recognize where we get most of our "core negative beliefs". In most cases, we get these beliefs from our parents. Parents, bless their hearts, are broken people, too. They, like us, stumble through this life making mistakes, (hopefully) learning from those mistakes, and eventually becoming better people. Parenthood is a most difficult thing, as we are thrust into it with little to no preparation. The only preparation we have is our own life experiences and, if we are lucky, the occasional class to help prepare us for parenthood. However, even in those cases, being a parent to a doll, egg or bag of flour is hardly the preparation that we really need.

There are many ways that we cultivate core negative beliefs from our parents. Parents inevitably rear their children with the same set of values and morals, codes of behavior, skills, attitudes, prejudices, dreams, thought habits, and so on to their children. Reflecting on my own childhood, I can say that I was born into a warm, loving home. I grew up with two parents who, although having the occasional disagreement, loved each other. They were, and still are, a very religious, faith promoting couple. They instilled in me a core set of beliefs and morals that helped create the man I am today. However, because of my inherent weaknesses (some of which I described in Exercise 9), it also assisted in creating "core negative beliefs". I felt like I was a bad person. I felt like I was a filthy person. I felt like I was nowhere near the person that they wanted me to be. Keep in mind that these thoughts were of my own volition and (for the most part) NOT thrust upon me by my parents. To me, it has always been amusing when I talk candidly with my parents and they share stories about their own lives that simply reiterate the fact that we ALL have our own problems to deal with.

An example of some of these core beliefs that we may have learned from our parents... or rather, had described to us by our parents, would be things like being told we are untidy, lazy, lacking ambition, unintelligent, antisocial, uncaring, etc.
In reality, we may have been told these things in a moment of weakness for our parents, when they simply commented out of frustration. I know that in my life as a parent, I have been guilty of that too many times to count. Over the past few months, especially recently, I have mentally played over the past 20 years of my life,... over... and over... and over. I have asked myself what I did right... and what I did wrong. I look at the relationship that I have with my three daughters. I need to continually remind myself that I did the best I could, and that my daughters, like myself, are broken people, struggling to make sense of their own lives. If anyone is to ever try and convince you that the people your children become is based entirely on how they are raised, I say RUBBISH! My wife and I raised our three daughters in the same house, with nearly identical standards, and they have all turned out to be completely different from one another. The core of what we are is based on how we were made. Our genetic structure. So many different variables go into the formation of a baby, and each of us, even though coming from (in most cases) the same gene pool, are very different human beings.

The second step in this exercise, and the thing we need to remember, is that we must EVALUATE our negative core beliefs and remind ourselves that these are not inherently bad things. People may look at our behaviors as being bad, but it is THEIR problem, NOT ours. The problem is in their judging. Nobody lives a life free of criticism. If we spend our lives worrying about the criticism that comes from other people (trust me, this is one of my greatest weaknesses), we will forever be stuck in a rut of self-pity. We won't be able to break the shackles of negativity that keep us bound.

In evaluating my negative core beliefs, I need to go back to the list of qualities that I considered to be my "Authentic Self" (Exercise 1) and separate those things that are actually ME, and those things that were thrust upon me, whether by my parents, teachers, church leaders, etc. Some of our "negative core beliefs" are simply who we are. Now, when I say this, I am by no means saying that we should just sit back and continue doing the negative things that we do, but we should by no means (mentally and emotionally) beat ourselves up over them.

In this exercise, I am going to list some of the negative core beliefs that I mentioned in Exercise 10, and list some of them that I feel were cast upon me by others, whether by my parents, teachers, bosses or church leaders. After doing so, I will ask myself this question: which of these would I lay claim to as being either true or at least partially true as an honest description of how I am NOW? I will give them a rating on a scale of 1-100 of how much truth it holds, where 100 = 100% true.

• I have to be perfect to be loved. (20) I honestly don't think that I need to be perfect to be loved, although I did spend a great amount of my life thinking that, at least with my father, his demeanor towards me was greatly affected by the way I acted. The sad reality of this, is that I have become the same father. I love my girls, but I know my behavior towards them is greatly determined by how they are living their lives. It's not intentional, but it happens. Just another thing that I need to work on...
  

• I have to struggle/work hard for everything. (60) I have always lived in a middle class home where we didn't have much excess money. My parents made sure that we had wonderful memories from camping trips, vacations, etc., but we never had the latest fashionable clothes or the finest things like some of the other kids did. My parents, bless their hearts, did their best. I have come to learn that my success in life depends on my work ethic. My first job out of high school was for a very strict, anal retentive boss. He expected perfection and IF we didn't meet his expectations, we heard about it. I have always taken that work ethic into account, and know that I will never be handed my success. If success is even the word to describe my middle-class, blue collar life.
  
• I never quite measure up. (80) This outlook on my life is all too real. I think it has to do, for the most part, with my religious upbringing. That and the very conservative nature of my father. I have often felt like I am not nearly the person that my siblings are, although I know we have all had our trials in life. I think the heaviest moment I have ever encountered, in regards to this subject, was at my uncle's funeral a month ago. The entire meeting was filled with kind words about a successful, incredibly spiritual man, by his children, who have all grown up to be like individuals. Gazing at the extended family around me, I felt so.... so.... imperfect. My marriage is in shambles, thanks in part to me.... at least one of my children stands at the precipice of having an extremely "difficult" life, of which I also take partial blame....each day I am reminded of how I fall short to the greatness of my ancestry... and I hardly feel like I'm measuring up to anything great.
  
• I can never do it right. (60) I struggled some with this, throughout my life. I remember as a child that I was often referred to as "heavy handed", as I would often break things that were fragile, or damage my parents' belongings in some way. I felt like I did okay in school, receiving accolades from teachers (certificate awards, etc.), but was never 100% confident in my abilities to do achieve greatness. When it came to sports at school, I had NO confidence in my abilities. I did not grow up playing any kind of sports, and knew that had nowhere near the abilities of the other boys.
• I'm always left out of everything. (30) My parents never excluded me from anything, but as stated in the previous statement, when it came to any kind of athletic events at school, or with my friends, I always felt excluded. In the grand scheme of things, I would say that it only affected 30% of my life.
  
• Something must be wrong with me. (20) Where my own psyche was extremely brutal in this regard (see Exercise 9: Guilt), I have rarely been made to feel like I had something wrong with me. Yes, I occasionally felt like I was a disappointing child (although this was just my interpretation). The 20% would stem from the occasional body language that I, to this day, get from my father. I can't blame him, as I manifest
  
• I am spiritually flawed. (30) This is yet another area where I, myself, was my worst enemy. I was the one that put the "spiritually flawed" levels to nearly 100. However, as far as my parents and church leaders are concerned, I didn't get too much of it. Yes, there was some.... especially in regards to "the factory". And, unfortunately, that was a very crucial 30% in regards to how I felt about myself, as an adolescent.

To sum up my life, there have been some things that I absorbed from my parents and leaders that had a negative impact on my life... or, at the very least, my mental interpretation of my life. My parents were, and are, wonderful people. My dad is still not the kind of person that exudes much in the way of joy and pride, when it comes to my achievements in life. As for employment, I work for the Postal Service.... this pretty much means that there will be little to no recognition for any good work that I do, but I will surely hear about the bad. I don't let that affect me too much, however. In regards to my spirituality, I know that I have a lot of exploring to do. I maintain a belief in my basic religious/spiritual structure, although I often question the way those in my religion may cast judgment on others, when Christ, himself, has told us not to judge. I know that I need to cast off the chains of shame and guilt that I have often dragged around, like Jacob Marley in Dickens' A CHRISTMAS CAROL. Many of these things are the basis on which I am going through this process. I have done so many things in my life of which I am not proud. Things that I may always regret. I need to do everything in my power to utilize these steps, to let them go, and then turn my life around to the point where I become the kind, loving father that my children need. I need to be the friend to my (soon-to-be) ex-wife that she needs me to be. I need to show loving kindness to everyone around me. I need to continue to grow spiritually, following the example of Christ in each and every step. It's a lot to do... but, utilizing "baby steps", it's something I can achieve.

Radical Self-Forgiveness - Exercise 10: SHAME

This next exercise is regarding shame.... shame being guilt's little brother. To further illustrate the close relationship between guilt and shame, I will quote from the book "Radical Self-Forgiveness", by Colin Tipping.

To be shamed is to be made to feel worthless, bad, undeserving, less than, and simply no good. The result of being consistently and severely shamed is a feeling of considerable self-loathing.

The saboteur self is also always looking for opportunities to create problems for us by defending some of our shame-based, core negative beliefs about ourselves, such as, "I am worthless," "I am bad," "I am no good", and so on.

In his book, Mr. Tipping also shares the five steps in the process of transforming your core negative beliefs. These are:

1. Discover
2. Recognize
3. Evaluate
4. Neutralize
5. Transform

This exercise will deal with me discovering my core negative beliefs. Most people are aware of their core negative beliefs. One of the worst things we can do is play these core beliefs over and over in our minds, convincing ourselves that we are actually what we "think" we are.

For beliefs that are more deeply buried in the subconscious mind, we might have to do some real detective work to uncover them completely. One way to uncover what we subconsciously feel about ourselves is to observe what is actually showing up in our lives. Life will always mirror your beliefs for you, no matter what they are. Here are a couple of examples:

Observation: I don't have much of anything in my life.
Likely belief: I am not deserving of nor worthy of it.

Observation: I always seem to screw things up.
Likely belief: I can never do it right.

Also, through the Law of Attraction, you will attract people into your life who will treat you exactly in accordance with these beliefs. This helps even more in discovering what they are. For example:

Observation: People seem not to notice me.
Likely Belief: I am invisible.

Observation: People are always trying to change me.
Likely Belief: I am not okay the way I am.

Observation: My relationships never last long.
Likely Belief: I am unlovable.

The exercise which I am going to do, is take from a list included in the book, RADICAL SELF-FORGIVENESS, and list things that I feel may be Core Negative Beliefs that are buried within me. The things that I list may seem a little negative... well... they are ALL negative (after all, they ARE Core Negative Beliefs) and will seem a little sad, but like so many people in this world, I do have beliefs that I struggle with.

I was raised in a good home, by good parents, but always seemed to struggle with self-esteem issues...at least during the early part of my life. I was always the last kid to get picked for sports teams, when I was in Jr. High. I had no desire to play any kind of sports, because I felt that I would be a failure at whatever I did. I always felt like I wasn't one of the cool kids, and struggled to settle into an attitude that I was never going to be as cool as some of the other kids. Also, as stated in my last post (Guilt), I struggled with feelings of filthiness, because of habits that I had as an adolescent. Even today, I struggle with minor insecurities that probably stem from Core Negative Beliefs. Allow me to list a few:

• I have to be perfect to be loved.
• I have to struggle/work hard for everything.
• I never quite measure up.
• Others are more important than me.
• I can never do it right.
• I don't deserve love.
• I'm always left out of everything.
• I'll never be good enough.
• Something must be wrong with me.
• I'll never be a success.
• It's not safe to be me.
• I am spiritually flawed.

I need to point out that several of the items on the list are things that have plagued me during the earlier parts of my life, and that several of the things listed are things that haunt me today. Although most people don't openly talk about negative feelings that they may have for themselves, it is my belief that most of us struggle with similar things. This life is a proving ground to try and overcome things that my "hold us back".

I have made many mistakes in my life. I will continue to make more. I have struggled with feelings of little self-worth, and I may even occasionally battle similar thoughts. When I wake up in the morning, I want to be a better, stronger, more loving person than I was the day before. If I can make it a goal to shed my Core Negative Beliefs and embrace the good qualities that I know I have, I can attain that goal. It's my hope that we can all do likewise.